3 A.M. Thought #10

You came when I was small / You held me in your gentle arms / and watched as I exposed my vulnerable self. / You helped me become strong / Will you still love me now? / Now that I’m big and brave and powerful? /

I fear peace / I fear quiet and calm / Yet I long for them too

How much of this emotional roller coaster is designed to keep me stuck? How much of me is lost in it? Why do I have to have something wrong with me in order to be “spiritual”? Why do I generate pain and self loathing when I know joy is just a flip of the coin? Because I want to be accepted. I fear that if I shine too bright, others will reject me. To be hones, I think I fear that most of all.

3 A.M. Thought #9

That love, that endless unconditional love that I feel the universe pouring out to everyone I meet is pouring out to me too. There is nothing I have to do, no deadline to meet, no one to disappoint. I can do things because I want to, because I love to. There is no need to stress!

3 A.M. Thought #8

Beliefs I have held about being lovable:

  • I must be beautiful
  • I must earn it
  • I must conform
  • Someone has to need me
  • I have to be productive
  • I’m too smart. Men only love dumb women
  • I’m not good enough
  • No one loves me because I’m evil/bad
  • If someone love’s me it’s because they don’t know the real me
  • I’m a woman, God doesn’t love women as much as he loves men

Most of these are obviously societal or religious beliefs. Some are from my family system. All of them are detrimental to me and my life. I choose to let these beliefs go.

3 A.M. Thought #7

What if I didn’t have to lose weight? What if I am perfect just as I am? What if how I am was considered beautiful by society? My body is beautiful just as it is. I am beautiful just as I am.

Things I no longer have to do:

  • worry about what I ate or how much
  • try on clothes that are too small
  • pretend I’m always on  diet
  • worry about what other people’s think
  • stress about how I’m not good enough because I’m not thin

What I can do:

  • Buy clothes! Dress my style. No more waiting until I can fit into the ideal size. No more looking for ways to make myself look thin.
  • Dance
  • Quit the gym. I don’t like it.
  • Go for walks because I like to walk

Sometimes I worry that being fat is contagious. Something I can catch by a) associating with fat people or b) thinking about fat people. I feel repulsed by excess fat because I’m afraid it might happen to me. And why am I afraid? Because according to society, being fat makes me unacceptable, worthless. I worry about being marginalized.

Why do I see my body as a problem to be fixed, as the enemy? Because it keeps me under control. If I’m obsessed with what I’m eating and spending hours at the gym, I don’t have time or energy to do much else. My body is actually fine. I can trust it. My body is my friend!

3 A.M. Thought #6

I can’t celebrate the achievements of others because I can’t celebrate my own achievements.

On a deep level, I seem to believe that anytime anything bad happens to someone I know, it’s somehow my fault. I’m ready to release this belief. I’m ready to see what’s behind it. Did I have a past life where I betrayed someone? Am I overeating and not taking care of myself as a way to punish myself for what I’ve done?

3 A.M. Thought #5

My life is just beginning. I was not present for most of my childhood. I dissociated. My family confused and hurt and scared me. When I got older, I ran away. I literally moved across the world to get away from them. Except in moving away, I learned that I couldn’t leave my problems behind. They came with me. I had to face myself if I wanted my life to change. Ground zero. Since then, it’s been a journey of healing, of bringing the pieces back to together one-by-one. The major things I’ve learned:

  • Emotions are guides
  • Anger is a guardian angel, a protective force
  • I must take full responsibility for my life
  • It’s important to love and connect to my child self, but I can’t live from it. I have to be an adult.
  • I cannot and should not heal or try to take on anyone else’s pain. The only thing I can do is to come alongside and support them in their journey.
  • God is what I choose believe in, not what anyone told me to believe
  • I have to think for myself!

3 A.M. Thought #2

When I was a kid, I knew things. I felt things. I could see things other people couldn’t or wouldn’t see. I knew when people had bad intentions, but often the adults in my life would expose their children to things again and again because they didn’t want to deal with the truth. I learned to deny my own knowing. I have so many memories of seeing things I didn’t understand or know how to deal with. I wanted one help so sometimes I took on other people’s stuff. I was like an energetic sponge. Now it’s time to let those memories go, to give them back. I need to clear away everything that doesn’t belong to me so that I can know myself.

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