All the Factors that Impact My Relationship

Dream: 29/2/2017

I’m with a guy. We live in the 1950s and we’ve been together a long time. We got together because we were both smart and we went to the same school. It seemed like a good match. Only, we’re not attracted to each other any more. He and I both like other people, but we can’t break up because society won’t let us. I constantly bring people over so that we can avoid each other’s company. We drink to drown our sorrows and numb ourselves to this life we created. Boy do we drink. When we’re drunk, we act on our base urges and let out some of the pent up energy. There are so many sexual advertisements around. We’re both completely frustrated. I was watching TV at a party when a black and white ad of a naked man and woman having sex around a giant coke bottle came on. The bottle was 3 times their size. The advertisement clearly meant for the coke bottle to look like a penis. We leave the party and head home together, but we have nothing to say to each other.


There’s a lot of different threads to this dream. Clearly, I’m a little sexually frustrated. My partner got diagnosed with Crohn’s disease about a year ago and it has caused a dip in our sex life. Beyond that, there’s the obvious theme of sexual and subliminal advertising which is everywhere in western society. I’d also just finishing watching Century of the Self, which is an awesome documentary about how large corporations used Freud’s theory of unconscious drives to manipulate the American public into becoming passive consumers. Additionally, the relationship in the dream reminds me of my parents’ relationship. They keep themselves busy and avoid each other because they have nothing in common. I don’t want that for myself. Maybe that’s what the dream is trying to show me, that there are a lot of different factors that play into my relationships and I need to bring all of them into conscious awareness if I really want things to change.


Sex with the Air

Dream: 2/2/2017

I’m working with Chloe/Lucifer from the TV show Lucifer. I know Lucifer loves Chloe, but I want to have sex with him. I go to his club, but he’s not there. I get into his bedroom and speak my desire. Suddenly, I feel a pressure and I feel like I’m having sex with the air. I can feel him and see him psychically even though I know he’s not there physically. My body moves into all kinds of impossible positions. I like what’s happening, but I’m entirely sure it’s pleasurable. Earlier, I overheard Lucifer talking to his father (God). They were crying because Lucifer said he had erectile dysfunction and his dad said that didn’t happen to men in his family. Eventually, Chloe walks into the bedroom and sees me. I can tell she wants to bust Lucifer (or at least expected to), but I wave my hand around to show he isn’t there.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.


This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.


Afraid To Be Feminine 

Dream: Undated, sometime in late-2014

I’m starting at a new school. I meet a guy called Barbi (a character from Under the Dome), who seems super cool. There’s a young girl I’m also interested in, but she’s skittish. Something happens and Barbi ends up in a courtyard surrounded by men in face masks. I know they can’t hurt us, but some of the other boys at school seem agitated. When we break it up, Barbi grabs one of the masked men and yells “I know this isn’t you. Why don’t you go to the place and have sex?” Then he turns and pours water all over me. I splutter and ask why he did that. He says “I want them to think I peed on you.” I flip out and try to punch him. It doesn’t hurt him and he laughs at me, which makes me even angrier. I run away and see that the little girl I was interested in has turned into a cat. She turns back into a little girl and we stare at each other. After a while, she changes again. I’m petting her when Barbi comes and finds me. I don’t make it to class that day because Barbi and I sit around talking. We want to buy an artist colony. Barbi already has tons of resumes, so he thinks it’s possible. At some point, I have to go to the bathroom, but the whole school only has urinals. I peed through my underwear trying to use a urinal and I want to get changed. Jess brings me a bag of clothes, but they all belong to Jamie and they’re super manly. I choose a dress in the end, although I wear tights with it because I’m afraid it’s see-through. I can’t find Barbi so I decide to go to an aquarium, but I can’t get the price right. Eventually, I use my credit card to pay. The ticket guy says, “You have a monthly limit on that. You might want to call them.” I go to the aquarium, but it’s only when I’m leaving that I realize I didn’t go on any of the crazy rides. I’m not upset though because they all look super dangerous. Dad picks me up. Barbi is in the car with him. As we’re driving home, we stop on a bridge. I look out onto the water and see a ship like Titanic cresting a wave. It rolls on its side and then flips over. I think, “Oh that’s bad…”, and then I realize it’s a chain reaction. The ship hits another ship which hits another ship. It happens so fast, one of them hits the bridge and dad hits the gas. We make it off the bridge before it collapses. I look left and see the ground is beginning to flood. “This is going to be the worst ecological disaster in history,” I say. The harbour is full of shipwrecks now. We drive the rest of the way home in silence. I’m holding Barbi’s hand. I ask him where he lives so we can drop him off. He gets quiet. My dad says, “I’ll drop him off at his mother-in-law’s house.” I ask Barbi if he’s married. He nods. You can tell he doesn’t want me to know. I can tell there are major problems with his marriage. I tell him there must be a story and he nods. I feel like this won’t kill our relationship, but it is definitely a major roadblock to it. 


I didn’t write anything at the time. The only lead I have is the asking (#4) that I wrote the night I had this dream. In that context, I think the dream is all about my hidden, unconscious issues with sexuality, relationships, and aliveness. Barbi represents my ideal man. In Under the Dome, he’s smart and sexy and mysterious. He’s also incredibly skilled, and he looks out for other people (i.e. he’s a good guy as defined by American culture). But I’m aware that things aren’t that simple. Even good guys have dark sides [the men in masks] and can be possessive  [wants people to think he peed on me, like marking territory]. In the dream, Barbi acknowledges that sex is a way to calm down his dark side (a very Freudian belief) and I find out the same thing. I run away because I’m angry and end up petting my pussy [the cat]. Once we reconcile, I feel good, but I can’t shake the idea that I’m the man in the relationship [there are no ladies bathrooms and someone brings me manly clothes]. I feel that way a lot in relationships actually! To counterbalance that, I try to be feminine [put on a dress], but I’m uncomfortable with being a woman [wear tights to cover up my body]. The aquarium represents my emotional view of womanhood. I want to show it off but it has to be contained and non-threatening  [I don’t go on the dangerous rides]. Only you can’t keep it contained. I run across it all the time [the bridge], but normally I block it out. I avoid it. Why? Because I’m afraid that if I stop and look, it will swallow me up and destroy me [sinking the Titanic]. I feel like this because so much of my world view is predicated on how I view my feminine self [chain reaction with the ships]. And that is of course tied in with how society sees the feminine. I’m worried I won’t be able to survive in the world without these beliefs [it’s the worst ecological disaster in history]. In the end, it’s clear I don’t value my femininity very highly since I’m willing to stay with Barbi even though he’s married. Or maybe I’m just afraid of the vulnerability that being feminine and sexual brings.

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