Gypsy Circus in the Desert

Dream 17/7/2016

I’m attending a gypsy circus. The landscape is really dusty and desert like. My sister, Jaime, and her son are there. The kid keeps pushing open the metal gates that stand between the audience and the show. Jaime keeps picking him up and closing the gates. Then, he opens them when a tiger is pacing back and forth. My inner rescuer kicks in. I grab him and think angrily that someone should padlock the gate during shows.

Thoughts/Meaning

Children (my inner child?) can expose what we believe to be the most dangerous part of ourselves [the tiger]. They aren’t confined by the societal rules and regulations [the gates]. Instead, they are true explorers, open to the possibilities. My child is trying to open the gate within me, to help me have new experiences [the gypsy circus], but I keep shutting them because I’m afraid [wandering in the desert].

I had this dream right after watching The Legend of Tarzan for the 2nd time.  The whole story of Tarzan is about man’s connection to his inner nature, which Western society sees as wild and uncontrollable and therefore unacceptable. They literally beat him and break him down so that he can ‘civilized’. I guess there’s a part of me that worries that if I truly connect with my instinctual self and Mother Earth that I will become too wild, too unacceptable. There is a part of me that wishes I was happy just being ‘normal’. That part of me wants what my sisters have: a family, a house, children, etc… For many years, I’ve made that part of me out to be weak and easily controlled, but what if it’s not? What if it’s natural? Maybe it’s time to venerate the different aspects of myself. To honor the part of me that wants to experience and grow and serve and teach, and to honor the part of me that wants to have the simple joys and pleasures of a normal life. Both are parts of me. I thought for a long time that one excluded the other, but they don’t. I can have both, be both.

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Saved by Grandma

Dream: Undated, sometime in late-2014

I only wrote down fragments of this dream, so it might seem a bit disjointed… A house explodes. A grandma without legs pulls a young boy to the evacuation site where they’re given a patch of grass. Hundreds of people are there. There are two big men sitting with the grandma and boy, but they don’t help look after the kid. The woman next to them comes over and says, “I see what this is. A grandma, a lad, and two guards. You’re with the government!” She then attempts to blackmail them. The grandma looks weary. She blackmailed the government herself to get the kid. She knows that if she gives the lady what she wants, they’ll take the kid away.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’m not sure what this dream means. I suspect it is something about my inner child [the kid] feeling that she is somehow a source of problems or dangers [the grandma risks her life to save the kid and is then blackmailed].  As a child, I felt unwanted and uncared for. So, I guess the dream could be showing me that I have a deep belief and fear about being a problem or burden to my parents/family. That’s a pretty serious base chakra issue and very existential. If I’m a burden to my family, then I’m a burden to the universe. If I’m a problem for them, then I’m a problem for God. And if I’m a burden to the universe and a problem for God, do I even have the right to exist?

Hiding from Godzilla

Dream: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

I’m in a big city with a few friends. It’s me, a guy and 2 kids. We’re having a good time when suddenly I realize that the city is under attack by Godzilla. It’s not safe. We’re near a bank. I get us inside. It’s rainy and really windy. It’s a close call that Godzilla doesn’t see us. One of the kids wanders outside and the guy has to go and get her. When they come back inside, we notice that there is now a big locked/unlocked sign on the door. Suddenly, people can tell it’s a safe place and they want to come in. I let them in until it’s full. A man whose kids are inside is stuck outside. I let him in. I tell everybody to move over, make space. Then, we hear someone coming and we get really quiet. A cop comes into the building. I realize we never locked the door. I quietly get up and lock it, hoping not to be seen. I’m not. The cop goes up the stairs. Everyone stays quiet. Suddenly, a blonde girl yells, “we’re safe!” We tell her to shut up, but she doesn’t understand. She keeps talking way too loudly. The third time she says it, the cop hears her. I’m terrified we’ll be found. The guy I was with in the beginning looks at me. He grabs the talking girl and runs through the door. The cop has his pants around his ankles. He runs down the stairs and outside, ass hanging out. He’s looking for the culprit, but they’ve gone down a nearby drain. I wait for them to come back, but they’re enjoying their freedom. They’re dancing underwater and singing funny songs. The guy says he’ll bring the girl back at 1 am, which is curfew time. It will be the last chance for them to reach us before the building shuts down completely. I wonder if they’ll come back. They seem happy out there, almost like there’s no danger at all.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is a dream about how I felt as a child. Godzilla represents my mother. I’m terrified of her. She’s an all powerful destroyer. To be safe, I lock parts of myself away, especially parts she doesn’t  like. I hide in a place where I control who comes in and who goes out. The cop represents my eldest sister, Jaime. She was older and meant to protect me, but in reality she saw me as someone to prey upon and hurt. As a kid, I tried not to be noticed, to be quiet and stay safe, but parts of me are loud [the yelling girl] and it doesn’t always work. The masculine part of me [the guy] protects me by taking the loud part outside. I become tough and that strong part of me feels alive [dancing and singing outside]. But I keep the other parts of me locked up. It’s still not safe for them. When will it be safe to come out? It’s time to let all the parts of me come out of hiding. Note: I woke up from this dream at 1am, curfew time…

Storybook: Being Different

Dream: Undated sometime in mid-2014

In my dream, I see myself as a little kid about 5 years old. She’s holding open a picture book and reading a story to me. It went like this:

There once was a walrus born into the body of a teddy bear. His teddy family didn’t understand him. He did weird things and made weird noises. They wanted him to be like them, to be a normal teddy. After many years, he tried to forget that he was a walrus. It was too hard to be different, to be excluded. For many, many years he went about life as a teddy bear, but inside he always felt uncomfortable, like he was a playing at life instead of living. Then one day, he met a walrus at work. He liked the walrus instantly. When they were out to lunch, the walrus was telling a story and suddenly the teddy couldn’t speak. When he finally did, he made walrus sounds! His new friend looked at him in surprise. ‘Is he making fun of me?’ The walrus asked himself, but then he looked at his friend’s face and he knew the truth. A big grin spread across his face. “By god,” he said jovially, “I think you’re a walrus!” Teddy looked at him and began to cry. Someone finally saw him! Not the body he was in, but him, the real him! His memory came rushing back and he remembered that he was a walrus and that that was a beautiful thing.

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