The Denial of Abuse

Dream: 28/2/2017

I have a sister, who I’m visiting. My sister is the perfect housewife. She’s wearing a cute dress, with done up hair and make-up. Her house is immaculate. In my mind, I keep thinking that she’s super conformist. We get to talking about shoes. I want to borrow some of hers. As I’m putting them on, I’m talking about mom. All of sudden, my sister starts snarling at me and tries to grab my throat, “That never happened! I fixed it! Don’t you say that! I fixed it!” That’s when I realize, my sister spends her whole life pretending that we had a perfect childhood because she can’t deal with it. I wake up, hitting at her to get off of me. In my mind, I’m yelling, “You can’t fix it! It happened!”

Thoughts/Meaning

I had this dream immediately after agreeing to help a friend of mine, who was in the middle of an emotionally intense lawsuit at that time. It felt like this dream was about experiencing things from her point of view (i.e. putting on the shoes in the dream = walking in her shoes). She feels stuck because of old childhood trauma, which she feels unable to move through because her family is in denial. That’s not an uncommon pattern. Abusive families often sweep things under the rug and deny the abuse ever happened. Their denial then forces the victim to question their own memories/experience, which degrades their confidence in themselves and ensures that they’ll stay quiet. This suites the family fine because it means nothing has to change. The abuser can keep on abusing and everyone else can maintain the status quo.  A lot of people end up cutting all ties with their family because this dynamic can literally be crazy making. Sometimes, enough memories and evidence surface that it becomes impossible for the family to remain in denial. At that stage, major changes can begin to take place. I think this dream was showing me that the best thing I can do for my friend is to support her in remaining true to herself and her feelings. In the end, no matter what happened in the past, the best thing she can do in the present is to love and believe in herself.

 

Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.

 

 

Healing a Grudge

Meditation Upon Waking: 25/6/2016

Had a vivid dream, but couldn’t quite pull the memory to the surface. Got to thinking about Dianna (an ex-teacher who was invested in keeping me small). There is still a part of me sending mean thoughts her. I go to investigate. There is a part of me that is very “eye-for-an-eye”. I want to punish Dianna for what she did and how she hurt me. I talk to that part of myself. I tell her that nothing happens without our consent on some level and that she is using these past events to stay powerless. She says it’s still uncomfortable and painful. Something unravels and she lets go of her grudge against Dianna. There is a golden door that we pass through. On the other side is a meadow. A man is standing there. This part of me runs up and kisses him. He’s a version of my partner James, but stronger and more self-assured. He thanks me for bringing back his wife. Then he talks to me about my James. He says I need to honor James’s gentle, quietness because when I get extremely busy (which I will), this peace will be necessary.

3 A.M. Thought #5

My life is just beginning. I was not present for most of my childhood. I dissociated. My family confused and hurt and scared me. When I got older, I ran away. I literally moved across the world to get away from them. Except in moving away, I learned that I couldn’t leave my problems behind. They came with me. I had to face myself if I wanted my life to change. Ground zero. Since then, it’s been a journey of healing, of bringing the pieces back to together one-by-one. The major things I’ve learned:

  • Emotions are guides
  • Anger is a guardian angel, a protective force
  • I must take full responsibility for my life
  • It’s important to love and connect to my child self, but I can’t live from it. I have to be an adult.
  • I cannot and should not heal or try to take on anyone else’s pain. The only thing I can do is to come alongside and support them in their journey.
  • God is what I choose believe in, not what anyone told me to believe
  • I have to think for myself!

Asking #7

An Asking: Undated, sometime in late-2014

Help me to fully see, understand and heal my love mask. Help me bring to the surface and process any issues still related to this false solution that I present to the world. I ask my guides and my angels to help me fully understand and heal any family beliefs about physical safety that I am carrying in my system. Help me give back and clear any beliefs that I will starve or die violently or experience the apocalypse. Help me to release any thought patterns or beliefs that were imposed on me via my familial heritage about physical safety or my body. Help me to heal this so that I may incarnate fully with love and respect for my physicality. Help me to live consciously in all areas of my life. Amen.

*A lot of my askings actually sound like prayers and end with Amen. Maybe I was never asking, maybe I was always praying…

**I wrote this asking after a series of memories around getting my period as a young girl returned to my consciousness. My mother didn’t handle it well. In fact she dealt with it by not talking about it. I was essentially left to figure things out on my own. I bet that’s true for a lot of women in our culture. We’re made to feel that our body is somehow shameful and so speaking about quite natural parts of our development becomes taboo. I wish it wasn’t like that. I’m also starting to realize that part of uncovering and honoring the inner feminine is to honor and love the outer feminine. I have to learn love and accept my body, which is hard in a society where your value as a women is often perceived as being connected to how you look and how much you weigh.

Asking #5

An Asking: Undated, sometime in late-2014

Please show me any ancestors or ancestral patterns that need healing. What in me needs healing in order to become fully present and grounded?

Scouting the Way

Dream: Undated, sometime in 2014

I’m on a river, scouting the way for a series of boats. I jump from one deep patch to the next, trying to make sure there’s no major obstacles. But I forget that way back there was a major waterfall. There’s nothing I can do about it though, so I just hope the people survive and forge ahead.

Thoughts/Meaning 

Sometimes with my personal work I feel like I’m forging the way, helping to show my family that healing is possible [scouting the route]. But I sometimes forget that opening up is hard in the beginning and can be scary [the waterfall]. I know it’s worth it, but everyone has to decide to make the journey for themselves. All I can do is continue living my own life.

Hiding from Godzilla

Dream: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

I’m in a big city with a few friends. It’s me, a guy and 2 kids. We’re having a good time when suddenly I realize that the city is under attack by Godzilla. It’s not safe. We’re near a bank. I get us inside. It’s rainy and really windy. It’s a close call that Godzilla doesn’t see us. One of the kids wanders outside and the guy has to go and get her. When they come back inside, we notice that there is now a big locked/unlocked sign on the door. Suddenly, people can tell it’s a safe place and they want to come in. I let them in until it’s full. A man whose kids are inside is stuck outside. I let him in. I tell everybody to move over, make space. Then, we hear someone coming and we get really quiet. A cop comes into the building. I realize we never locked the door. I quietly get up and lock it, hoping not to be seen. I’m not. The cop goes up the stairs. Everyone stays quiet. Suddenly, a blonde girl yells, “we’re safe!” We tell her to shut up, but she doesn’t understand. She keeps talking way too loudly. The third time she says it, the cop hears her. I’m terrified we’ll be found. The guy I was with in the beginning looks at me. He grabs the talking girl and runs through the door. The cop has his pants around his ankles. He runs down the stairs and outside, ass hanging out. He’s looking for the culprit, but they’ve gone down a nearby drain. I wait for them to come back, but they’re enjoying their freedom. They’re dancing underwater and singing funny songs. The guy says he’ll bring the girl back at 1 am, which is curfew time. It will be the last chance for them to reach us before the building shuts down completely. I wonder if they’ll come back. They seem happy out there, almost like there’s no danger at all.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is a dream about how I felt as a child. Godzilla represents my mother. I’m terrified of her. She’s an all powerful destroyer. To be safe, I lock parts of myself away, especially parts she doesn’t  like. I hide in a place where I control who comes in and who goes out. The cop represents my eldest sister, Jaime. She was older and meant to protect me, but in reality she saw me as someone to prey upon and hurt. As a kid, I tried not to be noticed, to be quiet and stay safe, but parts of me are loud [the yelling girl] and it doesn’t always work. The masculine part of me [the guy] protects me by taking the loud part outside. I become tough and that strong part of me feels alive [dancing and singing outside]. But I keep the other parts of me locked up. It’s still not safe for them. When will it be safe to come out? It’s time to let all the parts of me come out of hiding. Note: I woke up from this dream at 1am, curfew time…

Killing Zombies

Dream: Undated sometime in mid-2014

I’m waiting in a room with a bunch of people. We’re waiting our turn to take a test where we kill zombies. Everyone is talking about how they want to kill hundreds of them and they’re keeping their guns. They talk about feeling vs mentality. Several people go before me. When it’s my turn, I’m not nervous. I’m eating a blueberry muffin on a plate. I decide to take it with me. The others think I’m crazy. How will I hold my gun if I’ve got a muffin in my hand? When I get into the house, there are zombies everywhere covered in blood and spazzing out. I worry that the other people were right. I can’t really access my guns. But then it finally comes to me, the zombies aren’t paying me any attention. I climb up the stairs in the house and finally one comes after me. I shoot at it and somehow get it to follow me outside. I shoot at it again and it falls down. I know I have to crush its head, but I keep smashing at its ribs with the heel of my boot until the lungs/ribs crack. Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

The zombies represent my own inner demons. They’re in my head (i.e. inside a house in the dream). The dream is a metaphor for how I felt about the group therapy work I was involved in at the time. I felt like everyone in the group was afraid of dealing with their own trauma. So in the dream, the people I’m with run through the house (which represents their own way of seeing the world), shooting at random. Sometimes they nail a zombie (work something out), sometimes they don’t. It’s different for me. I intentionally go in looking for one that’s ready, and the other zombies don’t bother me. Maybe I already know that I’m infected (i.e. I recognize the zombies as just unhealed parts of me), while the others don’t. In the dream, I bring the issue [the zombie] out into the light [outside] and kill it [deal with it]. Only I have to deal with it emotionally, so I end up smashing the heart area not the head. I’m carrying a blueberry muffin because that was my favorite food as a child. Holding it represents that I was ready to deal with my childhood trauma. The childhood issue that was ready to be healed [i.e. the zombie that followed me] recognized this and came into the light for healing.

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