3 A.M. Thought #10

You came when I was small / You held me in your gentle arms / and watched as I exposed my vulnerable self. / You helped me become strong / Will you still love me now? / Now that I’m big and brave and powerful? /

I fear peace / I fear quiet and calm / Yet I long for them too

How much of this emotional roller coaster is designed to keep me stuck? How much of me is lost in it? Why do I have to have something wrong with me in order to be “spiritual”? Why do I generate pain and self loathing when I know joy is just a flip of the coin? Because I want to be accepted. I fear that if I shine too bright, others will reject me. To be hones, I think I fear that most of all.

Rescuing the Lifeboat

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m standing in a narrow room talking to a beautiful woman who is sitting just outside the room. The room is filled with water up to my chest. I don’t mind. But as we’re talking, the woman points out that a life raft full of people (like the orange enclosed ones that come with cruise ships) is about to tip over. “Are you going to get that?” She asks. I immediately swing into action, but the water is suddenly stormy. No matter what I do, the life boat is flooding. Eventually, I pick it up and hold it out of the water, but I know I can’t do this for long. I call out. The lady and two other people get into the water, trying to help me. I look up and think that the life boat looks like raw chicken. I wake up.


I had this dream the same night that I tried to do an energy healing for my partner. I touched his legs and immediately started to cry. The water in the dream clearly represents emotions. The lady possibly represents my soul. I’m not sure about the lifeboat. Maybe it represents how I felt about James at that point in my life? That I have to help him, save him from stormy seas? I have no clue why the lifeboat reminded me of raw chicken. Maybe it’s a symbol that my ideas about helping people aren’t fully formed [uncooked]?

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