Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.

 

 

Advertisements

3 A.M. Thought #10

You came when I was small / You held me in your gentle arms / and watched as I exposed my vulnerable self. / You helped me become strong / Will you still love me now? / Now that I’m big and brave and powerful? /

I fear peace / I fear quiet and calm / Yet I long for them too

How much of this emotional roller coaster is designed to keep me stuck? How much of me is lost in it? Why do I have to have something wrong with me in order to be “spiritual”? Why do I generate pain and self loathing when I know joy is just a flip of the coin? Because I want to be accepted. I fear that if I shine too bright, others will reject me. To be hones, I think I fear that most of all.

Rescuing the Lifeboat

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m standing in a narrow room talking to a beautiful woman who is sitting just outside the room. The room is filled with water up to my chest. I don’t mind. But as we’re talking, the woman points out that a life raft full of people (like the orange enclosed ones that come with cruise ships) is about to tip over. “Are you going to get that?” She asks. I immediately swing into action, but the water is suddenly stormy. No matter what I do, the life boat is flooding. Eventually, I pick it up and hold it out of the water, but I know I can’t do this for long. I call out. The lady and two other people get into the water, trying to help me. I look up and think that the life boat looks like raw chicken. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I had this dream the same night that I tried to do an energy healing for my partner. I touched his legs and immediately started to cry. The water in the dream clearly represents emotions. The lady possibly represents my soul. I’m not sure about the lifeboat. Maybe it represents how I felt about James at that point in my life? That I have to help him, save him from stormy seas? I have no clue why the lifeboat reminded me of raw chicken. Maybe it’s a symbol that my ideas about helping people aren’t fully formed [uncooked]?

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑