Drowning in a Tunnel and Waiting in the Rain

Dream Series: 18/1/2017

Dream 1:

I’m at some kind of Seaworld Park. It’s owned by a friend of mine. He wants me to stay there. He assigns someone to show me to my room. We end up underwater in a tunnel with lots of doors. My guide points to a door (which I guess leads to my room) then swims out and locks the door to the tunnel. The tunnel is completely full of water. I try to open the door to my room but I can’t. I can’t open any of the doors. I start to panic. I’m drowning. Somehow I make it into one of the rooms at the last possible minute (or I drown? I’m not sure, the dream skips a bit here). Next thing I know I’m in the parking lot trying to get a ride away from the park. Finally an asian girl agrees to take me. I ask her if she’s a taxi driver. She says, “No, but I can smell your desperation. Get in!” I go with her. We end up on a beach having lots of fun. There’s a boat in the distance. I wonder if I should tell my friend where I am.

Dream 2:

I have a big test tomorrow in a subject I know nothing about. I’m walking along when suddenly I realize I’m supposed to meet my friend, Leanne. I call her. She asks where I am. I tell her at the cross road near One Tree Hill, a volcano in Auckland. It’s pouring so I head to the bus stop for shelter. There are lots of people at the bus stop and they all look so happy and care free. I’m pissed that I have a test tomorrow and can’t join them. Without thinking, I get on the bus when it comes. About a block later, I scream at the bus driver to stop and end up getting off in the middle of an intersection. I run back to the bus stop where I’m supposed to meet my friend. I wake up before she arrives.

Thoughts/Meaning

In both dreams, I’m powerless. I’m surrounded by water [emotions] and dependent on a friend to get me out of the situation. When I take things into my own hands [get on the bus], I end up needing to go back to where I started. That’s the way I behaved for most of my life. I followed other people’s rules. I controlled my impulses. I was “good”. Behaving that way kept me safe. At least, that’s what I told myself. Being a strong woman who makes her own decisions and trust herself completely…that fascinates me but also terrifies me.

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Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.

 

 

Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Two Volcano Dreams

Dream: 24/10/2016

I’m in a geology class. We’re outside, watching a lava flow move towards us. We’re standing against a wall. I climb up the side of the wall, knowing that lava flows are dangerous. As soon as it hits the wall, it starts to pile up and cool. Everyone starts to either laugh or panic. I continue climbing. I see a survey marker. I think I can go through its legs to get to safety, but then I notice a massive plastic strip blocks the way. I keep climbing up the rubble until I’m over the wall. The view on the other side is magnificent.

Dream: 25/10/2016

I’m looking at some sort of map of a volcano. Someone points out where the last eruption/lava flow was. Then they point to another map showing where they will be in the future.

Thoughts/Meaning

I had these two dreams back to back. Interestingly, they happened the first two days I started experimenting with automatic writing. Not entirely sure what that means…

An Ancestral Drama

Dream Series: 7/8/2016

Dream 1

Me and 3 people are part of a diving competition. We go to the pool to practice. I’m okay at it, but not great. My lady partner is great, but has horrible anxiety. My male partner just can’t dive. Our team is allowed to enter 2 people. When we get home, the family is talking about how it should be the two women. My anxious partner tries to convince me I should go with the man instead. I tell her I can’t. It took him 30 minutes just to do one dive. The judges won’t stand for that. I’m not worried about any of it. I’m not a great diver, but I’m also not worried about whether we win or lose. We all have dinner with the family. I get the feeling it really matters to them, but no one will tell me why. There’s a big family secret there.

Dream 2

I’m married to my cousin, Rachel. She’s pregnant, but it’s not mine. Her lover is at the family party and she keeps going to him. I sit with her mother, who disapproves. I tell her that I’ll divorce Rachel or I’ll get an annulment as soon as she asks. Her mother wants to say something, but the couple are right behind her and she stops. I’m confused on why Rachel married me in the first place. The entire family is talking about how her lover treats her right by putting her on a pedestal and doing all the work. Her mom says that Rachel does 1/5 less than she used to. I’m not at all embarrassed or sad. My family can think what they like. What Rachel does has nothing to do with me. She doesn’t speak to me at all any more.

Note: I had this dream after receiving and sleeping with my yoni egg.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream series is all about ancestral patterns and family secrets, particularly around gender issues and relationships. I think the second dream is about an ancestral drama.  Maybe one of my ancestors fell pregnant and married someone else for security? My family has very strict, traditional views about relationships. Whoever she was, she wouldn’t have been treated very well if she followed her heart.

These dreams bring up a whole bunch of ingrained beliefs that need to be brought into the light and questioned. Like for example, what does it mean to be in a relationship? To be faithful? To have children? What does marriage mean to me? Do I value it or would I shatter it if I felt betrayed or uncertain of my partner’s feelings? These are all questions that every adult has to answer at one point or another, but I think it’s harder to do that when you know your family will disapprove unless you “toe the party line”. Still, it has to be done. This is my life and I have to live it according to what I believe not what I’ve been told to believe.

 

The Dangerous Parts

Dream Series: 1/7/2016

Dream 1

I have a dream that I can create anything I want instantly. The trouble is that different parts of me want different things. So whenever I make something, another aspect of me  unmakes it or destroys it. There are lots of parts of me that want to use alien technology and have ideas that futuristic. Interestingly, I see these parts of myself as sick and dangerous.

Dream 2

I’m in the car with Anastasia. She’s smoking. We’re talking about relationships. She really wants to see a movie but doesn’t know which one. I’m not fussed. All the movies seem the same. It’s pouring rain. I leave the car. When I get back, there’s a bum trying to talk to Anastasia. He looks really eccentric and dirty. When I go to get the car, he touches me and suddenly I feel like my face is magnetized to his chest. He’s enjoying my powerlessness. I use all of my will and manage to rip away. I’m worried my skin came off in the process. I get in the car and we drive away.

Thoughts/Meaning

There’s a lot of common themes between the first dream and the dream from the night before. Once again, I’m split inside. Parts of me want one thing but other parts of me sabotage it. And once again, I see certain parts of myself as dangerous. I’m definitely trying to work something out around that…

The second dream is really interesting. I’m sure I did actually meet Anastasia in the dream, but I feel the bum is a representation of a part of her. On the surface, she’s a nice person but underneath she’s incredibly manipulative. The dream is showing me that I’m getting pulled in and it makes me feel powerless.

I think these dreams are linked because in becoming aware of the parts of myself that I see as dangerous, I’m becoming more aware of the unconscious, dark parts of others.

 

 

Chased by a Cop and Dinosaurs

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1:

I’m being chased by someone. I think he’s a cop. He’s always one step ahead of me. When I go to get on the train, I have to run because he’s there. He finds me in the street. I’m always on the run, never any peace and I’m exhausted. Finally, I make it to the airport and I think I’m about to get away for good. But then I see him and something inside me cracks. I call a friend and tell him, “It’s over. I give up. I can’t fight anymore.” The police guy turns and looks at me. I stand there no longer running and then I wake up.

Dream 2:

I’m on an island, on a beach. Suddenly, a hoard of dinosaurs comes running towards me. I run in fear, but I’m not fast enough. They catch up, but then run right past. I get out of their way. They continue running and I’m awed that they didn’t eat/hurt me. I find myself nearing a gift shop. The lady inside saw what happened. She brings me inside and gives me a ring, which looks like an upside-down teacup with a pearl on top.

Meaning/Thoughts

These dreams are about facing my fears. In the first one, I have to face my fear [the cop] before it will stop chasing me. In the other, I don’t have to face anything, only realize that there was nothing to fear to begin with [the dinosaur’s didn’t eat me].

Examining Social Conditioning

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1

James and I are climbing all over stuff suspended from a hotel ceiling. There are old train cars, giant clocks, etc… It’s fun, but I decide to take a break. James says he wants to climb some more. Suddenly, the stuff starts turning like a giant machine, cogs in a wheel. I start screaming, yelling out to see if James is okay. A person drops from really high. I run over. It’s Elaine. She tries to get up but collapses. I tell her not to move and I yell out for the staff to get an ambulance. It takes forever. James is fine and rushes over, helping me with Elaine. She ends up with her head in my lap. I’m crying. She tells me she’s not going to make it. I tell her to hang on. She’s prepared to die. The ambulance finally comes. The paramedics are dressed in ebola suits. I tell them she has no family here and they let me go with her.

Dream 2

Sam comes to dinner with me and Mary Anne. He parks outside. We hear a crash and run outside. Some jerks are repeatedly bashing all the cars in the carpark as they drive past. His car is totaled. We find out it’s an activist group. I track them down and ask them to pay for the damage. They’re all black. I keep saying dude to sound cool. They won’t pay. I threaten to sue because you can’t just damage other people’s personal property. They say that’s exactly the idea that they’re against. I realize this group is very dangerous and I back out of the room.

Thoughts/Meaning

These are definitely dreams about social conditioning, but I’m not sure exactly what they mean. I think the first one references the idea that if I look too deeply into my conditioning there will be some kind of backlash [Elaine’s fall/death] because new ideas are contagious [her body was collected by people in hazmat suits] and the powers that be need to keep things as they are [cogs in wheel supporting a bigger machine]. The second one is about how my life is structured around a lot of these social beliefs [e.g. the idea of personal property]. I’m afraid that if these go away, chaos will break out [the gang bashes up all the cars]. That’s what I’ve always been taught, right? That without society and societal rules, mankind will degenerate into a chaotic, violent mess. Only, I think that’s just another a belief that keeps us invested in social structures. If we’re convinced we’re evil and need to be controlled, then we’ll let ourselves be oppressed. We might even help the oppressors because we think it’s necessary. It’s interesting how much this parallels religion. Society tries to keep us from knowing ourselves just as much as religion does. If we know ourselves, then we know we’re not actually evil. And if we’re not evil, then we don’t need protecting or controlling because we can trust ourselves. How different life on this planet would be if each of us completed trusted ourselves!

A Tapeworm, A Boat Ride, and A Carnival

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

Dream 1

I’m in a medical exam room. There’s a guy on the table but they don’t know what’s wrong with him. The doctor tells him to throw up. He ends up pulling a giant tapeworm out of the guy’s mouth. There’s a little girl in the room who’s curious. She asks her mom something and the mom completely over-reacts. The mom grabs a piece of the tapeworm and rubs it all over the girl’s face. The girl starts to cry and the mom looks pleased. I’m standing there wondering what’s wrong with her.

Dream 2

Malcolm, Lana and I are going jet boating, but we’re running late. Everyone is on the boat and it leaves without us. A lady on the boat gets it to stop, and I manage to swing myself from the dock into the back of the boat. Malcolm can’t make it though. He’s too big. The boat ride is super jerky, and I don’t particularly enjoy it. 

Dream 3

A group of us get dropped off on an island that used to be a theme park. It clearly hasn’t operated in years. A guide emerges and says to break up in groups and enter through the stalls. He goes in one and it falls apart. It’s empty. The others begin sinking into the ground. My team gets in one and it lets us out in front of an old decrepit house. We find a card that say “find where they heal people”. We begin searching. I find myself paralyzed in the foyer. To the left, I can see a dinghy corridor which is blocked off by hundreds of gravestones in the form of crosses. Then I notice a staircase. I go up the stairs, but first I have to climb through a window shaped like a vagina. Upstairs is a liquor store. I think they probably used the room as a healing space before it was covered in booze. 

Thoughts/Meaning 

The first dream is definitely about power/control and feeling contaminated [the tapeworm] by family patterns. The second one is about trying really hard to fit in [getting on the jetboat] but realizing it’s not worth it because I’m just along for the ride and I’m not really living. The third one is more complicated. I think it represents all the things that stand in the way of me becoming myself. The theme park represents social conditioning. The crosses represent religious conditioning. The vagina shaped window represents issues with sex and sexuality. And behind all of that, at the very center, is addiction [the liquor store]. My family line is riddled with it, particularly alcoholism and gambling. But even in the dream, it’s clear that underneath all of those beliefs and issues, the potential for healing exists. 

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