All the Factors that Impact My Relationship

Dream: 29/2/2017

I’m with a guy. We live in the 1950s and we’ve been together a long time. We got together because we were both smart and we went to the same school. It seemed like a good match. Only, we’re not attracted to each other any more. He and I both like other people, but we can’t break up because society won’t let us. I constantly bring people over so that we can avoid each other’s company. We drink to drown our sorrows and numb ourselves to this life we created. Boy do we drink. When we’re drunk, we act on our base urges and let out some of the pent up energy. There are so many sexual advertisements around. We’re both completely frustrated. I was watching TV at a party when a black and white ad of a naked man and woman having sex around a giant coke bottle came on. The bottle was 3 times their size. The advertisement clearly meant for the coke bottle to look like a penis. We leave the party and head home together, but we have nothing to say to each other.

Thoughts/Meaning

There’s a lot of different threads to this dream. Clearly, I’m a little sexually frustrated. My partner got diagnosed with Crohn’s disease about a year ago and it has caused a dip in our sex life. Beyond that, there’s the obvious theme of sexual and subliminal advertising which is everywhere in western society. I’d also just finishing watching Century of the Self, which is an awesome documentary about how large corporations used Freud’s theory of unconscious drives to manipulate the American public into becoming passive consumers. Additionally, the relationship in the dream reminds me of my parents’ relationship. They keep themselves busy and avoid each other because they have nothing in common. I don’t want that for myself. Maybe that’s what the dream is trying to show me, that there are a lot of different factors that play into my relationships and I need to bring all of them into conscious awareness if I really want things to change.

Advertisements

The Denial of Abuse

Dream: 28/2/2017

I have a sister, who I’m visiting. My sister is the perfect housewife. She’s wearing a cute dress, with done up hair and make-up. Her house is immaculate. In my mind, I keep thinking that she’s super conformist. We get to talking about shoes. I want to borrow some of hers. As I’m putting them on, I’m talking about mom. All of sudden, my sister starts snarling at me and tries to grab my throat, “That never happened! I fixed it! Don’t you say that! I fixed it!” That’s when I realize, my sister spends her whole life pretending that we had a perfect childhood because she can’t deal with it. I wake up, hitting at her to get off of me. In my mind, I’m yelling, “You can’t fix it! It happened!”

Thoughts/Meaning

I had this dream immediately after agreeing to help a friend of mine, who was in the middle of an emotionally intense lawsuit at that time. It felt like this dream was about experiencing things from her point of view (i.e. putting on the shoes in the dream = walking in her shoes). She feels stuck because of old childhood trauma, which she feels unable to move through because her family is in denial. That’s not an uncommon pattern. Abusive families often sweep things under the rug and deny the abuse ever happened. Their denial then forces the victim to question their own memories/experience, which degrades their confidence in themselves and ensures that they’ll stay quiet. This suites the family fine because it means nothing has to change. The abuser can keep on abusing and everyone else can maintain the status quo.  A lot of people end up cutting all ties with their family because this dynamic can literally be crazy making. Sometimes, enough memories and evidence surface that it becomes impossible for the family to remain in denial. At that stage, major changes can begin to take place. I think this dream was showing me that the best thing I can do for my friend is to support her in remaining true to herself and her feelings. In the end, no matter what happened in the past, the best thing she can do in the present is to love and believe in herself.

 

Questioning Perceptions

Dream: 23/2/2017

I’m in Paris. I buy a plane ticket to a city in the Middle East beginning with K. I’m in a rush so I don’t check the ticket. I get on the plane and I end up sitting in the nose of the plane. I wait patiently. Then suddenly, we take off and we’re doing crazy acrobatics because of the wind. I realize I don’t have my seatbelt on. I reach for it and realize it’s one of the over the shoulder ones, like a fighter pilot would use. I clip it into place. After a few minutes, the pilot makes like he’s going to land. We enter a tunnel half filled with water. There are numbers on the wall like the kind you see in subway stations and there are people waiting on platforms placed along the side of the tunnel. The ceiling is made of concrete and looks  striped. When we go past, it has a strange effect and makes me feel like we’re traveling at warp speed. Finally, we fly out the other side of the tunnel and start going back up. Except this time, I’m facing downwards. I can see the tunnel we came out of and what looks like a giant velvet cloth next to it. As we go higher, the velvet becomes a massive statue of a cobra and two dolphins intertwined. I watch it for awhile until a flight attendant comes and asks me what I’m doing. I realize I’m leaning on my harness as though I’m being pulled downward. I sit back. She asks me if I know what’s behind a door in the cabin. There’s only one other passenger in the cabin, a large man with tremendous amount of stuff (old camera reels, food, books, etc…). His stuff is strewn all over the place. We both shake our heads and then agree that there might be a dentist behind the door. The flight attendant might have suggested that possibility. In any case, she leaves and then I hear an announcement. I realize I’m on the wrong plane! I check my ticket and it says I’m on my way to Michigan. I have another ticket that will fly me back to Edinburgh, Scotland. I have a little freak out, wondering how this happened. I look out the window and see tractors on the ceiling. I point them out the other guy, saying they must be flying upside down. But he replies, perhaps we’re not upside down but the world is! I don’t know what to do about the tickets. I wonder if the airline will refund it or give me a new ticket. I can’t decide if I should just go to Scotland or head back to California. I find my thinking about my partner, James, and wondering what he will want to do. That’s when I realize I haven’t seen him in a while and suddenly have a torrent of questions.  Did we pack up the hotel in Paris? Did I grab my phone charger? That’s when I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

The one clear thing about this dream is that it calls my perception of the world into question. Whenever I think I know something in the dream [i.e. I’m going to the city K], it turns out to be wrong. And then I’m constantly having to question my directionality. Am I right side up or upside down? Or can I be either depending on what I’m using as my frame of reference? I think the dream is trying to shake me out of my traditional perception of the world [i.e. planes don’t fly through subway tunnels…or do they?], but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a way of opening up my consciousness to let new ideas in?

Negative Intentionality

Dream Series: 17/2/2017

Dream 1:

I’m watching Star (the main character from the TV show Star) do her thing. She’s preparing for a show and she’s nervous. Her show involves a table. I offer to help her move it and in the process, I break a glass. She looks at me and says I did it on purpose. I want to lie, but she’s right, I did. I want to perform and I’m jealous of her. A woman comes over and sees the situation. She knows exactly what’s going on. She tells me I can’t go to the party where Star is singing because of what I’ve done. She tells Star to go get ready. It’s some kind of Santa party.

Dream 2:

I’m with some friends. We’re standing at the beginning of a long tunnel. Suddenly, a bug flies into my face and falls down. I freak out and step on it by accident. I pick it up and it’s wings are broken. I decide to see if it will fly away. I leave the tunnel entrance and go next door where there’s a giant staircase that goes up and up and up. At the top, I try to release the bug, but it’s damaged. I wonder if I should kill it, put it out of its misery. Suddenly, it latches its legs around the middle finger of my right hand. I immediately clench my hand, expanding my finger and causing its legs to snap off. Now it’s really damaged! I put it down on the stairs and walk away. I feel guilty but I don’t want to be the one responsible for ending its life.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think these dreams are about taking responsibility for negative intentions that I have in my life. When things go wrong,  people like to say things like “Well, accidents happen.” But what if they don’t? What if there’s a negative intention behind some accidents? In the first dream, breaking the glass looks like an accident, but it’s not and everyone knows it. I want to rattle Star. I secretly hope she’ll perform poorly because I want to feel about myself.  In the second dream, I repeatedly injure the bug, but then I won’t do the merciful thing and end its life. It’s like I accept my negative intentions up to a certain point. Past that point, I stop them. The interesting thing is that when I think about negative intentions that I have towards people, I generally find it very easy to justify those intentions. Letting go of negative intentionality has been hard for me. I think because it stems from deep conditioning around seeing people as the Other (i.e. it’s us vs them). Still, I’m working on it. To be fair, even identifying that I have these negative intentions feels like a big step to me, like I’m willing to reclaim all of who I am, not just the parts that are pretty and nice.

The Old is Falling Away

Dream: 11/2/2017

My fingernail is split into ribbons. I pull them back. Underneath is a new, perfectly healthy nail. I wonder how I’m going to get rid of the old one which is still attached. Should I bite it off? Clip it? Or just wait for it to fall off.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think this is a positive sign about my healing process. The old masks and layers that I used to protect myself with have been shredded and are on the brink of falling away entirely. Underneath I find I’m strong and healthy. Now I’m learning to let go and not fall back into old pattern just because they’re easy!

Food is My Coping Mechanism

Dream: 8/2/2017

I’m at some kind of camp. Only everyone here is really sad/angry/negative. I pick a sleeping bench and try to talk to some people. They all seem exactly the same. One of them says, “You’re going to suffer, you better get used to it.” I’m a little affronted. I ask several of them how they cope in this place. A girl points to one of the boys and says, “Sex.”. Another hands me a bottle of alcoholic cider and says, “Alcohol.” I wonder how I ended up in this place. One of the girls sees my face and laughs. “You’ll get used to it,” she says. Suddenly, the head of the camp comes into our room without knocking. He is giving around 50 people a tour. He doesn’t engage with us, but his helpers do. They’re really funny. One of them helps me fix a nearby fan and we laugh when it sprays me with water. After the tour is over and the visitors are gone, people start throwing all their stuff into bags. I don’t know what’s happening. Eventually, someone says, “grab your shit we’re going!” Going where? Why? No one answers me. We leave the bunk room and enter an amazing library. I enjoy looking at all the books, but then I start freaking out. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know what I might need. I run around looking for things. I’m starting to feel kind of crazy, when someone grabs me and shoves me into an RV. Inside there is a random girl I don’t know and the guy who’s mother runs the camp. The guy says that we had better eat. He shoves a massive plate of fruit in front of us. It has 5 bananas, plus multiple peaches and plums. I look at the guy confused. He tells me to eat because at camp food is not guaranteed. Sometimes they just won’t feed us. Other times the food might be incredible. The guy opened up a cooler filled with half rotten pasta as an example. I look at the fruit, which isn’t enough to keep me going by itself. The guy sees my face and takes pity. He pulls out a microwavable lasagna. “Alright,” he says pulling up at a beach. “You can have this but only because I know where you’re going.” I wonder what that means right before I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

So this dream is clearly about my childhood and the coping mechanisms I developed. In the earlier part of the dream, I get shown how some people cope [suffer through it, have sex, use alcohol, etc…], but later in the dream I get shown how I cope [food]. I have such a weird relationship to food. When I was a kid we either starved (if mom was drunk and couldn’t be bothered to cook) or we ate really well. The bunk room in the camp represents my life as a kid. I wanted out [to pack up my shit and leave], but there was no where to go. My only escape was found in books [the library]. In them, I found evidence that life could be different and that my situation wasn’t normal. Eventually I escaped by growing up [got pulled onto the RV and driven away from camp]. But even as an adult, I’m still using old coping mechanisms. I still look at what’s healthy and think it’s not enough. I still eat breakfast sometimes and then think I should eat a second breakfast because there might not be any dinner later. I think the dream is trying to show me that my issues with losing weight go way deeper than just counting calories and eating healthy. There’s some childhood traumas that need to be unwound. Once that happens my relationship to food will change naturally.

Processing Suggests Potential Experiment

Dream: 30/1/2017

I’m a little boy (Annikan Skywalker?). I’m in a bombed out city. Kevin Costner and a teenage girl have decided to look after me. Something bad is coming and we need to hide. With the help of someone in an ambulance, Kevin Costner starts to barricade us and several hundred other people into a building that looks middle eastern. When it’s done, he and the paramedic leave together. We have no idea where they’re going or why. The paramedic returns later asking for help unlocking his door, but no one wants to admit we’re still in the building. What if it’s a trap? I decide to go down and talk to him. It takes ages because I’m injured. When get to the street, I pop open the ambulance door. Kevin Costner is inside. He jumps out and we all go into the building together. A few hours later, I find them doing experiments. Three women end up exploding from the inside out. Kevin Costner says, “Damn Virginia! I told her to wait!” He knows he won’t get paid now.

Thoughts/Meaning

The day before I had this dream, I watched Star Wars, Hidden Figures, and an episode of Colony. In the episode I watched, 3 people were randomly exploded when trying to climb over the wall. This dream is clearly my brain trying to process everything I watched that day. I wonder what my dreams would be like if I cut off the input stream of media in my life. What would I dream about if I didn’t watch any movies or TV and if I didn’t read the news? Maybe I should try it for a week and see? Would that be enough time to detox or would I need to go longer? Also, I wonder how visual media impacts dreams compared to books. I’m not cutting out books though. I don’t think I could go a week without reading a book!

The Little Boy and the Violent Man

Dream: 29/1/2017

I’m with an incredibly controlling, abusive man who gets me to do what he wants through threats and violence. I’m terrified of him and I conform, but I’m always looking for ways to escape. At some point, I find my way out into a room with a big piano. I drop the backpack I’m carrying and start banging on the piano keys, trying to attract attention. I hope someone will come. The violent man comes into the room. He’s prepared to be nice and he tries to sweet talk me. I can feel the fear getting the better of me. I’m terrified of him, but I would rather die than go back to the gilded cage. Suddenly, a little boy appears and demands to know why I haven’t treated his backpack better. I try to calm him, hoping the violent man won’t find out that the little boy gave me the backpack. The boy is really upset. He keeps talking about how he’s been really good to me. For some reason, I fly into a rage at his words and start screaming, “That’s not what you’re mad about!” The boy is just like the violent man. He’s super manipulative. He points out the positive things he does for me, thinking that will somehow make me forget all about the abuse. I’m disgusted that the boy and the man are the same. Suddenly, we are surrounded by women. They seem to come from everywhere. I feel relieved. I can’t get away from the man or the boy on my own. The women were attracted by the noise. Someone came. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I dreamed this after asking my divine self to show me why the ‘grass is always greener’ idea keeps coming up for me around careers (i.e. why when I just get going with something I always decide it’s not right and I don’t actually want it). It’s like a part of me want to go along with things in order to stay safe [the terrified woman at the beginning], but there’s another part of me that knows its not right and that I have to follow my own path [the woman who wants to escape]. So I always end up conflicted, pulled in two entirely different directions and never able to move forward. I think the abusive, controlling man represents how I view society (i.e. patriarchal and threatening). I feel pressured to conform in order to survive and yet I have an intense need to rebel at the same time. There’s no winning. I don’t know if there is a solution, but the dream seems to suggest that connecting with women and my own feminine nature is part of finding my way out of the conflict.

Drowning in a Tunnel and Waiting in the Rain

Dream Series: 18/1/2017

Dream 1:

I’m at some kind of Seaworld Park. It’s owned by a friend of mine. He wants me to stay there. He assigns someone to show me to my room. We end up underwater in a tunnel with lots of doors. My guide points to a door (which I guess leads to my room) then swims out and locks the door to the tunnel. The tunnel is completely full of water. I try to open the door to my room but I can’t. I can’t open any of the doors. I start to panic. I’m drowning. Somehow I make it into one of the rooms at the last possible minute (or I drown? I’m not sure, the dream skips a bit here). Next thing I know I’m in the parking lot trying to get a ride away from the park. Finally an asian girl agrees to take me. I ask her if she’s a taxi driver. She says, “No, but I can smell your desperation. Get in!” I go with her. We end up on a beach having lots of fun. There’s a boat in the distance. I wonder if I should tell my friend where I am.

Dream 2:

I have a big test tomorrow in a subject I know nothing about. I’m walking along when suddenly I realize I’m supposed to meet my friend, Leanne. I call her. She asks where I am. I tell her at the cross road near One Tree Hill, a volcano in Auckland. It’s pouring so I head to the bus stop for shelter. There are lots of people at the bus stop and they all look so happy and care free. I’m pissed that I have a test tomorrow and can’t join them. Without thinking, I get on the bus when it comes. About a block later, I scream at the bus driver to stop and end up getting off in the middle of an intersection. I run back to the bus stop where I’m supposed to meet my friend. I wake up before she arrives.

Thoughts/Meaning

In both dreams, I’m powerless. I’m surrounded by water [emotions] and dependent on a friend to get me out of the situation. When I take things into my own hands [get on the bus], I end up needing to go back to where I started. That’s the way I behaved for most of my life. I followed other people’s rules. I controlled my impulses. I was “good”. Behaving that way kept me safe. At least, that’s what I told myself. Being a strong woman who makes her own decisions and trust herself completely…that fascinates me but also terrifies me.

Stalking My Golden Shadow

Dream: Undated, Early 2017

I want to get in contact in with Sanaya Roman, a well known channel. Somehow I know where she lives. I go to her house, intending to meet her. She isn’t home, but her door is unlocked. I go inside. At first, I just intend to leave a note. Then I think, I’ll skype her. Only I realize she’ll know the call is coming from inside her house and that would seem creepy. I realize I should go before she gets home. The house is amazing, very beautiful and immaculate. I look at things, picking them up and turning them over. I pick up a glass decanter and look at the way it refracts the light. When I go to put it down, I notice that the counter is wet. The decanter is full of ice. “Oh shit,” I think. They could be home at any minute! I freak out and check to make sure I haven’t moved anything too much. Then I run out of the house. As soon as I’m out, I see Sanaya and her partner coming down the drive. There’s a big party next door. Someone points at Sanaya and yells, “Is that Taylor Swift?” It confuses Sanaya for a moment and gives me a chance to get away. The woman at the party screams my name and says, “You’re back so soon,” as though I’ve been on break or something. I wake up worried that Sanaya will realize what I’ve done.

Thoughts/Meaning

So Sanaya is kind of celebrity to me [hence the Taylor Swift reference in the dream]. I think her work and her books are amazing. For a long time I wanted to be her. With that in mind, I’m pretty sure this dream is about recognizing my Golden Shadow, the positive traits that I project onto others because I refuse to recognize them in myself. Rather than acknowledge my own higher self gifts and abilities, I consider patterning myself after someone else who is successful [I stalk Sanaya in the dream]. It seems less threatening than following my own path. Except, it never works [it’s not my house and I don’t belong there]. I have to forge my own path. We all do.

Interestingly the night I had this dream, I accidentally trespassed through a residential apartment complex. While I was trying to find my way out, I felt a bit voyeuristic. Maybe this dream was also partially trying to process that experience?

Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.

 

 

Insecurities

Dream 30/12/2016

I’m in some kind of apprenticeship program with a group of other people. The boss decides to fire us all at once. We get told via these insane letters in boxes. At the job, there was nothing to learn, no skill to master, no way of knowing the expectations. None of us knew what our job was supposed to be, let alone why we were being fired from it. We were all going through some kind of debrief when I realized, “Just ask!” So jumped up and ran out of the classroom. I noticed that I was wearing one running shoe and one black boot. The other boot was laying in the middle of field outside the classroom. I went to get the boot. While I was putting it on, the other people in my class ran past me. They realized why I left and they wanted to be the first to ask the boss. They get to the head honcho. He looks like a complete asshole. He’s incredibly rich and I’m convinced he doesn’t care about people. My classmates ask for their jobs back and he says “I thought you’d never ask.” I get my job back too, but I’m resentful. Asking had been my idea and I didn’t get any recognition for it. We all go back to work. We’re sitting in front of the computers when a guy sitting next to me leans over and says, “You’re not going to make it.” I get really angry and I storm out yelling, “You don’t know me!” I head for the bus stop. My watch says 9:30 pm and I freak out. Have I really been working that long? When I get to the bus stop, however, it turns out it’s only 5:30 pm. I feel relieved. I’m waiting for the bus when someone comes to get me saying it’s time for a test. I follow them back to work. We go into some kind of mansion with lots of rooms and get told that each room holds a clue and we have to solve the puzzle. Again, we have no other information. The others head for the obvious rooms, but I see what looks like a wall to ceiling freezer door. It takes me awhile to figure out how to open it. Success! Then, I’m inside and I start looking around. I have no ideas what’s useful and what’s not. I see animal shaped ice cube molds and wonder if they mean something. Meanwhile, someone else cracks a different room. Suddenly, I bite down and one of teeth cracks and bursts out of my mouth. It falls onto the ground and I stare at it before collecting all the pieces and hiding them. A girl convinces me I should try another room. I follow her. The others have managed to open a door that goes to a golden inlaid spa facility, but no one in the spa is relaxed. We check it out, but we get told not to touch anything. We decide to head back. On the way, we get stopped by 3 ladies at tea. They talk to us and suddenly another tooth (a molar) shatters in my mouth and falls all over the floor. I’m mortified. I bend down to pick up the pieces. The tooth looks all spongy and grey on the inside. I wonder if it’s rotten and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

**From Dream Dictionary – “Dreams of broken/chipped teeth suggest the character to be poor, uneducated or dumb”

To be honest, those are my childhood fears of how I would be seen. I’ve been reading a lot recently about changing how you learn and becoming more innovative. I’ve also been wondering why I spend so much time in front of the TV instead of doing things I love. I guess there’s a few weird beliefs about learning and doing things that I need to look at reassess. I’m afraid of people seeing or thinking of me as being less than capable. Literally, the foundations of how I was taught to learn were rotten. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t bite down and digest new experiences because a) I always compare myself to other people, b) I’m worried about how society [the boss and the ladies at tea] will see me, and c) I need be the best in order to feel adequate. Basically, I think this dream is about my insecurities.

Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Worried About Mom’s Opinion

Dream: 22/11/2016

I won an award, a big one to do with school. The event is tonight, and I know I need to go home and get ready. I’m leaving campus (at the Auckland Domain) so I call an Uber. It drives right past me. The driver calls, and I try to explain where I am. He can’t seem to understand. I end up having to walk. When I finally get home (to my childhood home on Oak Knoll), I have only 15 minutes before I have to turn around and leave again. I jump in the shower. Mom has picked out the shampoo and conditioner. I know I don’t have time to blow dry my hair and that she’ll be pissed, but there’s nothing to be done. I get out of the shower and start to look for something to wear. For some reason, there is luggage everywhere! There are lots of lots of hiking packs. I know what I want isn’t in the packs, but I can’t stop fussing with them. Finally, I decide to go back to the bedroom. I go into my underwear drawer, looking for a bra, but every one I grab is completely f*d up. Sitting in the drawer are all these weird wooden masks with gold dots on them. They make me feel really pissed off. I go looking for some socks, knowing I want to wear black ones.  I can’t find anything but the nude socks that mom likes. I’m really angry now. I’m already 1/2 hour late to the event. I go into my sisters’ closet. They have a bunch of colorful maxi dresses with designs. I decide on a blue one, hoping it won’t make me look fat.  I take it back to my bedroom. I hear the speakers calling out the names of the awardees. I realize that because I’ve been so worries about mom and what she’ll think, I’ve missed the whole thing. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Definitely need to stop worrying so much about what my family thinks/wants and start living for me. I’m missing out on life because there’s a part of me that still wants to win their approval.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

Some People Want to Stay Cursed

Dream: 10/11/2016

It’s me and a woman. We’re each holding our energy. The woman has me on a power spot and is trying to change my energy dark. I know it’s because of a certain artifact. I call for James. He grabs the artifact and I tell him to get away. As he moves away, the woman’s power lessens, but she knows what I’m doing and manipulates him to come back. Each time, I manage to break her hold on him and every time he gets a little further away. The last time, she loses all her power and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream happened the night after a session I did where the woman didn’t want to work with me. I thought it was because she was afraid of what would come up, but later I realized that she was just so deeply invested in her issues that she doesn’t actually want healing. She pretends to want to change because she knows every one expects her to, but she herself isn’t actually interested in working out her issues. She’s happy being reactive and attacking. I woke up from this dream feeling really calm, but with a sense that  I needed to remember this and write it down. There’s no fear or worry, just an awareness that it means something important. When I debriefed about the session with a friend of mine, she mentioned that I’m well protected. I know that. We all are. I give thanks for that. But it’s interesting… In the dream, I wanted to break the spell on the woman not only for me but for her so she could be free. Only it turns out she wants the curse because it makes her feel powerful, and in that case there is nothing I can do.

Engulfed in Flames

Dream: 18/10/2016

I am at the University of Auckland, trying to find lunch. I see two guys head down a metal ladder, like the one you would expect to see in a submarine or underground. I decide to follow them. I climb down and find I’m in a meeting chamber. People are handing out vegetarian tofu burgers (which somehow taste delicious). Someone is calling names. They shout first for Mary Anne, but someone says she’s not here. The leaders see me. One of them knows me and points me out. He calls me Dr. Tracy but also Magic (?). He smiles at me, excited I’m here. It makes me uncomfortable so I decide to leave. Outside, I’m chatting to a guy, having fun, when I feel a pull to go back. An Argentinian friend of mine has gotten into the radio box and is singing very sweetly when suddenly the whole place bursts into flames. My friend is consumed by the fire, but he doesn’t stop singing, not once. I try to help him, but it happens way too quickly. There is nothing I can do. I run out of the room. Mary Anne is mopping something up. I yell, “Fire!” She sees my distress and comes running. Together, we put out the flames, but it’s too late. The radio box and my friend are nothing but dust.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’ve been getting lots of signs recently about the Cathar religion. The Cathars were a religious order in medieval France that were considered heretical. The Roman Catholic church burned them all at the stake. I get the feeling I might have been there in a past life. Perhaps this dream is about processing those memories…

I Blow Up at George Clooney

Dream: 8/8/2016

I’m a child (10-11 years old). I’m working in some kind of lab. I love my boss, but he’s very secretive. One day, I go to work and find the entrance (which looks like a well) surrounded by men in black suits. Seeing that I’m going somewhere, they start to question me. I make up a story and lie through my teeth. I know my boss is in the lab, but I also know they can’t get him if I don’t say anything. Eventually, they leave me alone. I wait next to the entrance for hours, but my boss never comes out. I decide to go home. On the way home, a car picks me up. My boss is in the car, along with a team of people. Everyone is dressed in black. They’re going to unmask the criminals (George Clooney and Julia Roberts). Except, just as we’re on our way, the building next to us goes up in fiery flame. The car is rocked. I get out. It’s smoky. I go to a nearby door. There’s an elevator. I get in and go to level 5.  As soon as I hit the number, the elevator goes up so fast that I float for several seconds before landing on my feet. I walk out and I’m at an extravagant restaurant. I walk over to a waiter, who eyes me questioningly. I tell him I’d like to look around. He seems to understand my predicament and points to a nearby stairway. I go down and am in a room with beautiful porcelain hanging on all of the walls and sitting in the cabinets. The lights are soft. I go to look in a cabinet when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see George Clooney and Julia Roberts heading for dinner. I duck my head down, hoping they won’t recognize me. They swoosh past. I follow them. At the restaurant, I see my Aunt Debbie. She’s dressed up really fancy. She’s surprised to see me, but invites me to join her for dinner. I mistake Colin Wilson for her husband. My aunt steers me towards our real table. George Clooney is giving a speech. I can’t take it any more. I boil over and stand up, calling him a liar. Everyone looks at me waiting for proof. I start talking about an English newspaper article regarding his maid which he had buried. My evidence is flimsy and people start to get up and walk about. George Clooney smirks at me. I’m only a child after all, easily discredited. Later, I’m in a room surrounded by paper. I’m sitting with a jury from the department of justice, trying to convince them to let me look at their records. Like the others, they deny me, but I’m not deterred. I know I’m right!

Meaning/Thoughts

I think that George Clooney and Julia Roberts represent my parents. When I was a kid, I felt that they were hiding something vital. Later when I was a teenager, they revealed that my eldest sister was only a 1/2 sister and that we had another 1/2 sister who lived with her mother. I’ve often felt that all the secrets made our family dynamics really toxic. As a child, I protected my family. I lied to keep up appearance, like they taught me to. In the dream, I lied to the men to protect the lab. But secrets always have a way of catching up with people [the nearby building blows up]. Eventually I have to stand up for the truth [I call George Clooney a liar]. Only, I have no proof. I have only my memories, which no one believes. I feel like I’m on trial [the jury from the department of justice]. People know things, but they won’t reveal them [they won’t let me see the records]. Everyone is in denial about the family dynamics except me. I guess that’s because everyone else has something to gain from things staying the same.

An Ancestral Drama

Dream Series: 7/8/2016

Dream 1

Me and 3 people are part of a diving competition. We go to the pool to practice. I’m okay at it, but not great. My lady partner is great, but has horrible anxiety. My male partner just can’t dive. Our team is allowed to enter 2 people. When we get home, the family is talking about how it should be the two women. My anxious partner tries to convince me I should go with the man instead. I tell her I can’t. It took him 30 minutes just to do one dive. The judges won’t stand for that. I’m not worried about any of it. I’m not a great diver, but I’m also not worried about whether we win or lose. We all have dinner with the family. I get the feeling it really matters to them, but no one will tell me why. There’s a big family secret there.

Dream 2

I’m married to my cousin, Rachel. She’s pregnant, but it’s not mine. Her lover is at the family party and she keeps going to him. I sit with her mother, who disapproves. I tell her that I’ll divorce Rachel or I’ll get an annulment as soon as she asks. Her mother wants to say something, but the couple are right behind her and she stops. I’m confused on why Rachel married me in the first place. The entire family is talking about how her lover treats her right by putting her on a pedestal and doing all the work. Her mom says that Rachel does 1/5 less than she used to. I’m not at all embarrassed or sad. My family can think what they like. What Rachel does has nothing to do with me. She doesn’t speak to me at all any more.

Note: I had this dream after receiving and sleeping with my yoni egg.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream series is all about ancestral patterns and family secrets, particularly around gender issues and relationships. I think the second dream is about an ancestral drama.  Maybe one of my ancestors fell pregnant and married someone else for security? My family has very strict, traditional views about relationships. Whoever she was, she wouldn’t have been treated very well if she followed her heart.

These dreams bring up a whole bunch of ingrained beliefs that need to be brought into the light and questioned. Like for example, what does it mean to be in a relationship? To be faithful? To have children? What does marriage mean to me? Do I value it or would I shatter it if I felt betrayed or uncertain of my partner’s feelings? These are all questions that every adult has to answer at one point or another, but I think it’s harder to do that when you know your family will disapprove unless you “toe the party line”. Still, it has to be done. This is my life and I have to live it according to what I believe not what I’ve been told to believe.

 

Stuck in School

Dream: 30/7/2016

I’m in some sort of school. We go to class on a giant bus with rows of seats stacked on either side like an auditorium. There’s a physically disabled kid that I’m friends with and try to help. Everything I do seem to make things worse though. I think it will be helpful, but it’s not. In the end, I give up and sit down. I don’t like the teacher. I’m bored. I run my tongue over my teeth and realize that one is going to fall out. I tug at it, and it falls into pieces in my palm. They’re rotten to the core. I freak out and run to the bathroom. When I look in the mirror, I see all my teeth are there. They are perfect, but when I feel the area with my tongue there’s a gap. It worries me. I go back to class. Channing Tatum is there, but he’s leaving. He talks about how acting frees the soul and school is a waste of time. I deride him, not because I think he’s wrong, but because I know he’s right but I don’t want to get in trouble

Meaning/Thoughts

This reminds me of the dream I wrote about in Done with School. In that dream, I’m completely ready to leave school and I stand up to the teachers. In this dream, I’m ready to leave school, but I’m still afraid of the teachers and the power they have over me. I’m conflicted. I feel like my education closed off certain parts of me [represented by the disabled child], and that no matter what I do, I still can’t seem to access them. I’m bored with the status quo and I want things to change, but something holds me back. I see lots of other people moving forward and living their dreams and instead of being supportive, I’m jealous. I guess there’s still a big part of me that’s afraid.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑