Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

An Ancestral Drama

Dream Series: 7/8/2016

Dream 1

Me and 3 people are part of a diving competition. We go to the pool to practice. I’m okay at it, but not great. My lady partner is great, but has horrible anxiety. My male partner just can’t dive. Our team is allowed to enter 2 people. When we get home, the family is talking about how it should be the two women. My anxious partner tries to convince me I should go with the man instead. I tell her I can’t. It took him 30 minutes just to do one dive. The judges won’t stand for that. I’m not worried about any of it. I’m not a great diver, but I’m also not worried about whether we win or lose. We all have dinner with the family. I get the feeling it really matters to them, but no one will tell me why. There’s a big family secret there.

Dream 2

I’m married to my cousin, Rachel. She’s pregnant, but it’s not mine. Her lover is at the family party and she keeps going to him. I sit with her mother, who disapproves. I tell her that I’ll divorce Rachel or I’ll get an annulment as soon as she asks. Her mother wants to say something, but the couple are right behind her and she stops. I’m confused on why Rachel married me in the first place. The entire family is talking about how her lover treats her right by putting her on a pedestal and doing all the work. Her mom says that Rachel does 1/5 less than she used to. I’m not at all embarrassed or sad. My family can think what they like. What Rachel does has nothing to do with me. She doesn’t speak to me at all any more.

Note: I had this dream after receiving and sleeping with my yoni egg.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream series is all about ancestral patterns and family secrets, particularly around gender issues and relationships. I think the second dream is about an ancestral drama.  Maybe one of my ancestors fell pregnant and married someone else for security? My family has very strict, traditional views about relationships. Whoever she was, she wouldn’t have been treated very well if she followed her heart.

These dreams bring up a whole bunch of ingrained beliefs that need to be brought into the light and questioned. Like for example, what does it mean to be in a relationship? To be faithful? To have children? What does marriage mean to me? Do I value it or would I shatter it if I felt betrayed or uncertain of my partner’s feelings? These are all questions that every adult has to answer at one point or another, but I think it’s harder to do that when you know your family will disapprove unless you “toe the party line”. Still, it has to be done. This is my life and I have to live it according to what I believe not what I’ve been told to believe.

 

Body Image Issues

Dream 18/7/2016

I’m at my father’s birthday party. There is a man there that I find extremely attractive. I’d be happy if he even talked to me. I’m helping prepare everything and I feel really good. Then I walk up to dad to say happy birthday. The attractive man is standing there. He smiles and says, “Hi Miss Howe. Are you pregnant? How’s the baby?” My dad jumps up and says, “Yes, she is!” He doesn’t want the man to realize that no, I’m just fat. I feel angry and humiliated. I turn to the guy and say, “No, I’m not pregnant.” Then I turn to my dad and say, “And don’t lie to people to save face about me being fat. Tell anyone else I’m pregnant and I’ll kill you myself.” He sits down in a glass booth. I can tell he’s upset. I don’t care. When the guy spoke to me, I was on my way to get a glass of water. It’s in my hand. I throw it into the sink and it shatters. My sisters eye me questioningly. I start walking back to the house, thinking I will play video games and hide. Then I think, fuck this. I decide to go to the beach instead. I walk down a path and am there in minutes. Before the beach, there is a river with a dock and a row a trees. A man is taking a group of children for a swim up the river. It is shallow and they are having a great time. I get in and start swimming with them. No one says anything. Eventually they make their way to the beach. I get out and go with them. I stare at the trees. They glitch like they aren’t real. I can see a pattern of 6 dots in the shape of a pyramid on the trunk of one of the trees. I go back to playing with the kids. The guy in charge of the them is really cool. A little girl says something to me and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is definitely a dream about body image issues and shame. When I was younger, my mother made me feel that I was never pretty enough. I wasn’t thin enough. My hair was never straight enough. I never dressed correctly. She believed that women’s value came from being beautiful, and since I wasn’t a great beauty according to her standards, I didn’t have value. It’s strange, but in her world (and I suspect many women’s worlds) the ultimate approval a woman can receive is a man’s attention, his sexual favor. In the dream, I feel excited that there is an eligible man present, but it all turns to dust when my body size becomes the focus. I feel ashamed for being who I am, having the body I have. Then I feel enraged. I let the rage out [I yell at dad and break a glass], but afterwards I feel lost. These ideas are so ingrained in everyone present that I don’t know how to deal with the situation. So I leave the party and I regress back into being a child. Except I’m no longer a child, I’m an adult.  Although playing the child might comfort me, it’s not real [the trees glitch]. At some point, I have to learn to confront people and their beliefs, how to set and maintain my boundaries without losing my temper. It’s time to grow up.

3 A.M. Thought #8

Beliefs I have held about being lovable:

  • I must be beautiful
  • I must earn it
  • I must conform
  • Someone has to need me
  • I have to be productive
  • I’m too smart. Men only love dumb women
  • I’m not good enough
  • No one loves me because I’m evil/bad
  • If someone love’s me it’s because they don’t know the real me
  • I’m a woman, God doesn’t love women as much as he loves men

Most of these are obviously societal or religious beliefs. Some are from my family system. All of them are detrimental to me and my life. I choose to let these beliefs go.

Examining Social Conditioning

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1

James and I are climbing all over stuff suspended from a hotel ceiling. There are old train cars, giant clocks, etc… It’s fun, but I decide to take a break. James says he wants to climb some more. Suddenly, the stuff starts turning like a giant machine, cogs in a wheel. I start screaming, yelling out to see if James is okay. A person drops from really high. I run over. It’s Elaine. She tries to get up but collapses. I tell her not to move and I yell out for the staff to get an ambulance. It takes forever. James is fine and rushes over, helping me with Elaine. She ends up with her head in my lap. I’m crying. She tells me she’s not going to make it. I tell her to hang on. She’s prepared to die. The ambulance finally comes. The paramedics are dressed in ebola suits. I tell them she has no family here and they let me go with her.

Dream 2

Sam comes to dinner with me and Mary Anne. He parks outside. We hear a crash and run outside. Some jerks are repeatedly bashing all the cars in the carpark as they drive past. His car is totaled. We find out it’s an activist group. I track them down and ask them to pay for the damage. They’re all black. I keep saying dude to sound cool. They won’t pay. I threaten to sue because you can’t just damage other people’s personal property. They say that’s exactly the idea that they’re against. I realize this group is very dangerous and I back out of the room.

Thoughts/Meaning

These are definitely dreams about social conditioning, but I’m not sure exactly what they mean. I think the first one references the idea that if I look too deeply into my conditioning there will be some kind of backlash [Elaine’s fall/death] because new ideas are contagious [her body was collected by people in hazmat suits] and the powers that be need to keep things as they are [cogs in wheel supporting a bigger machine]. The second one is about how my life is structured around a lot of these social beliefs [e.g. the idea of personal property]. I’m afraid that if these go away, chaos will break out [the gang bashes up all the cars]. That’s what I’ve always been taught, right? That without society and societal rules, mankind will degenerate into a chaotic, violent mess. Only, I think that’s just another a belief that keeps us invested in social structures. If we’re convinced we’re evil and need to be controlled, then we’ll let ourselves be oppressed. We might even help the oppressors because we think it’s necessary. It’s interesting how much this parallels religion. Society tries to keep us from knowing ourselves just as much as religion does. If we know ourselves, then we know we’re not actually evil. And if we’re not evil, then we don’t need protecting or controlling because we can trust ourselves. How different life on this planet would be if each of us completed trusted ourselves!

Asking #4

An Asking: Undated, sometime in late-2014

Show me what I am avoiding. I am consciously choosing to stop numbing out. Help me see and understand the things I have closed my eyes to. 

This was followed by a list of negative thought forms and beliefs:

  • I somehow deserved it. I brought it on myself.
  • Mom would have loved and protected me if I’d been different. 
  • I will be punished for being me.
  • Men always reject me. 
  • Men don’t say anything worth listening to.
  • Sex is dangerous. You could get pregnant or get a disease. 
  • You can’t be a “good girl” and be sexually active.

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