Needle Jabbed by a Child

Meditation 30/11/2016

I was doing another LightBody meditation. In the middle, I started to feel really self-recriminatory. I had a vision where a priest and a young boy were in the room with me. It felt like they were both different aspects of me. I tried to convince the boy that he didn’t need to be afraid. I was tempted to punch the priest, but remembered to send love instead. The boy agreed with me, but then he jabbed a needle into my neck. I ignored it and someone nearby (a guide?) pulled it out.

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Two Hospital Dreams

Dream 30/11/2016: Hospital in the Statue of Liberty

Something happens, and I get taken to a hospital. The hospital is actually at the top of the statue of liberty, in the crown part. Everything is smashed up and graffitied. The hospital staff doesn’t know what to do with me. I end up on floor 15, which is empty. I’m under a big glass dome. I lay down and sing. When someone finally notices me, they take me downstairs. A nurse puts a thing in my right shoulder. It sticks out and has a series of holes in the top where IV tubes can be connected to it. I notice a guy who is constantly putting new tubes into his shoulder device. He looks very wilderness. He spots me watching him and says, “Wait until they take it out, you’ll finally be able to breathe again.”

Dream 14/12/2016: All Alone

I’m in the hospital. I’m pregnant, possibly going into labour. I’m not scared but I’m trying to figure out how to tell the doctors why I never got a check-up or an ultrasound. I’m all alone. No one comes to talk to me. Eventually I wonder if I’m dilated and put my hand down there to check. It comes back covered in blood and I start screaming for help. No one answer me and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what these dream mean, but I think it’s interesting that in both of them nobody notices that I need help. I guess sometimes I feel like I’m always supporting others, but if something serious happened who would support me?

The Burning Tree

Meditation: 29/11/2016

I was listening to a LightBody meditation, when I realized that I often resist moving into really blissful, flowing states of consciousness. Whenever I start to feel “too good”, there is a part of me that gets scared and shuts everything down. That part of me believes I don’t deserve to feel good and that I will be punished for trying to experience something I don’t deserve. It’s definitely related to some old religious conditioning. Gee thanks Catholic school! Anyways… Near the end of the meditation, I got an image of myself floating on my back above a single perfectly round tree in the middle of a massive green field. While I’m floating, someone (me?) sets the tree on fire and my body gets burned. It burns into ashes, which are carried away by the wind.

Thoughts/Meaning

Given that I was dealing with some old religious conditioning, the symbol of a burning bush is pretty dramatic. It was after all the way God spoke to Moses (from Exodus: “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”). Interestingly, my burning tree destroys me completely. Maybe that’s my real fear, that if I did come into contact with God there would be nothing left of me. I would just burn up and be destroyed.

Lifted Up and Marked

Dream (?): 25/11/2016

I’m laying in bed. Suddenly an energy starts pulling at my feet and I start sliding down the bed. I can’t see anything though. I’m not afraid, but it’s uncomfortable. I’m convinced this whole time that I’m awake and in my body. When my feet get to the end of the bed, I feel a force go under my body and start lifting me up. It lifts me up until I’m standing. I don’t know what’s happening, but I keep repeating, “I call light to myself. I call light to myself.” I black out. The next thing I know, I feel myself being lowered back down to the bed. I feel like a wind is under me, giving me a gentle landing.

As soon as I touch the bed, I sit up. Was it real? Was it a dream? Was it an out of body experience? I don’t know. What I do know is that a few hours later, I noticed there were a few small, perfectly circular marks in random places on my body. Those weren’t there before. I’m still not sure what exactly happened or what it means. The marks are still there over 7 months later…

Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Worried About Mom’s Opinion

Dream: 22/11/2016

I won an award, a big one to do with school. The event is tonight, and I know I need to go home and get ready. I’m leaving campus (at the Auckland Domain) so I call an Uber. It drives right past me. The driver calls, and I try to explain where I am. He can’t seem to understand. I end up having to walk. When I finally get home (to my childhood home on Oak Knoll), I have only 15 minutes before I have to turn around and leave again. I jump in the shower. Mom has picked out the shampoo and conditioner. I know I don’t have time to blow dry my hair and that she’ll be pissed, but there’s nothing to be done. I get out of the shower and start to look for something to wear. For some reason, there is luggage everywhere! There are lots of lots of hiking packs. I know what I want isn’t in the packs, but I can’t stop fussing with them. Finally, I decide to go back to the bedroom. I go into my underwear drawer, looking for a bra, but every one I grab is completely f*d up. Sitting in the drawer are all these weird wooden masks with gold dots on them. They make me feel really pissed off. I go looking for some socks, knowing I want to wear black ones.  I can’t find anything but the nude socks that mom likes. I’m really angry now. I’m already 1/2 hour late to the event. I go into my sisters’ closet. They have a bunch of colorful maxi dresses with designs. I decide on a blue one, hoping it won’t make me look fat.  I take it back to my bedroom. I hear the speakers calling out the names of the awardees. I realize that because I’ve been so worries about mom and what she’ll think, I’ve missed the whole thing. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Definitely need to stop worrying so much about what my family thinks/wants and start living for me. I’m missing out on life because there’s a part of me that still wants to win their approval.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

Some People Want to Stay Cursed

Dream: 10/11/2016

It’s me and a woman. We’re each holding our energy. The woman has me on a power spot and is trying to change my energy dark. I know it’s because of a certain artifact. I call for James. He grabs the artifact and I tell him to get away. As he moves away, the woman’s power lessens, but she knows what I’m doing and manipulates him to come back. Each time, I manage to break her hold on him and every time he gets a little further away. The last time, she loses all her power and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream happened the night after a session I did where the woman didn’t want to work with me. I thought it was because she was afraid of what would come up, but later I realized that she was just so deeply invested in her issues that she doesn’t actually want healing. She pretends to want to change because she knows every one expects her to, but she herself isn’t actually interested in working out her issues. She’s happy being reactive and attacking. I woke up from this dream feeling really calm, but with a sense that  I needed to remember this and write it down. There’s no fear or worry, just an awareness that it means something important. When I debriefed about the session with a friend of mine, she mentioned that I’m well protected. I know that. We all are. I give thanks for that. But it’s interesting… In the dream, I wanted to break the spell on the woman not only for me but for her so she could be free. Only it turns out she wants the curse because it makes her feel powerful, and in that case there is nothing I can do.

Two Volcano Dreams

Dream: 24/10/2016

I’m in a geology class. We’re outside, watching a lava flow move towards us. We’re standing against a wall. I climb up the side of the wall, knowing that lava flows are dangerous. As soon as it hits the wall, it starts to pile up and cool. Everyone starts to either laugh or panic. I continue climbing. I see a survey marker. I think I can go through its legs to get to safety, but then I notice a massive plastic strip blocks the way. I keep climbing up the rubble until I’m over the wall. The view on the other side is magnificent.

Dream: 25/10/2016

I’m looking at some sort of map of a volcano. Someone points out where the last eruption/lava flow was. Then they point to another map showing where they will be in the future.

Thoughts/Meaning

I had these two dreams back to back. Interestingly, they happened the first two days I started experimenting with automatic writing. Not entirely sure what that means…

A Body in the Kitchen

Dream 18/10/2016

I’m male. I’m standing in a kitchen. There’s a woman. She’s dead. Did I kill her? Did she kill herself? I have to get rid of the body. There’s a cliff with a sluice that goes down to a river nearby. I know because someone told me it would be a great place to dump a body, but only if it is disfigured first. I have an image of vats of chemicals in the desert where the mob disposes of bodies. I imagine being part of that and see myself throwing up. “It’s the heat!” They yell, but I know it’s not. What am I doing? This isn’t me. When I come out of the daydream, the body is gone. I feel relieved and start to clean up. The blood won’t come out of the inside of a cabinet so I cover it up with a cloth. Just when I’m done, a neighbor comes over. She barges in and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to seem suspicious so I do nothing. She goes into the bloody cabinet to find something. I’m frozen. She pulls back the cloth, sees the blood, and then looks at me. I can see she doesn’t understand until she sees my face, guilt-ridden. She hastily makes a retreat and I collapse moaning, “What have I done? What have I done?”

Engulfed in Flames

Dream: 18/10/2016

I am at the University of Auckland, trying to find lunch. I see two guys head down a metal ladder, like the one you would expect to see in a submarine or underground. I decide to follow them. I climb down and find I’m in a meeting chamber. People are handing out vegetarian tofu burgers (which somehow taste delicious). Someone is calling names. They shout first for Mary Anne, but someone says she’s not here. The leaders see me. One of them knows me and points me out. He calls me Dr. Tracy but also Magic (?). He smiles at me, excited I’m here. It makes me uncomfortable so I decide to leave. Outside, I’m chatting to a guy, having fun, when I feel a pull to go back. An Argentinian friend of mine has gotten into the radio box and is singing very sweetly when suddenly the whole place bursts into flames. My friend is consumed by the fire, but he doesn’t stop singing, not once. I try to help him, but it happens way too quickly. There is nothing I can do. I run out of the room. Mary Anne is mopping something up. I yell, “Fire!” She sees my distress and comes running. Together, we put out the flames, but it’s too late. The radio box and my friend are nothing but dust.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’ve been getting lots of signs recently about the Cathar religion. The Cathars were a religious order in medieval France that were considered heretical. The Roman Catholic church burned them all at the stake. I get the feeling I might have been there in a past life. Perhaps this dream is about processing those memories…

A Ball of Flesh

Dream: 30/9/2016

I am rubbing my lower abdomen and stomach area. I can feel an energetic block. It feels condensed. I know it’s ready to come out. I try to pull it out, but it won’t come. Then, I realize it’s completely solid. Pushing really hard, I roll the block down my body, under my clothes. It pops out of the edge of my sweatpants, near my left foot. Immediately, my sister wants to see it, but I yell, “No! Be careful! It’s flesh!” And it is. It’s a ball of flesh. The outside is smooth skin, but it’s cracked. Inside, I can see raw pink flesh, like a meatball that has been singed on the outside. It freaks me out and I wake up.

3 A.M. Thought #10

You came when I was small / You held me in your gentle arms / and watched as I exposed my vulnerable self. / You helped me become strong / Will you still love me now? / Now that I’m big and brave and powerful? /

I fear peace / I fear quiet and calm / Yet I long for them too

How much of this emotional roller coaster is designed to keep me stuck? How much of me is lost in it? Why do I have to have something wrong with me in order to be “spiritual”? Why do I generate pain and self loathing when I know joy is just a flip of the coin? Because I want to be accepted. I fear that if I shine too bright, others will reject me. To be hones, I think I fear that most of all.

Behind the Attraction

Dream: 13/9/2016

I’m back in high school, sitting in the bleachers. My eldest sister introduces me to a guy that she likes, then goes off with her friends to perform. The guy and I start talking. He’s blond and rather old. His face is craggy. He wears a baseball cap. Something about him is magnetic. I can tell he’s slept with my sister but he doesn’t actually like her. I have to do a medical school thing. Before I go, I tell the guy that Jamie’s British friend who he’s been oggling is not available. He looks at me, surprised that I can read him. I can tell that he likes me. He tells me to go do my thing and then come find him. I notice that he’s incredibly tall. I go to the open area nearby where the medical teachers are getting people to look into microscopes (periscopes?). They’re made for tall people, and I have to stand on my tippy toes to see through the lens. When I look, I see nothing but a girl on the other side of the field. I yawn. This class will be boring. I ask the teacher when the lecture will be and she looks at me blankly. “Just follow me…” she says. I shake my head. I go over to another teacher.  “It’s so….dear, I don’t know…” Now I’m annoyed. I want to go back and see the guy! Finally, I run into a teacher who asks me if I’m hormonal. I say, “No, I’m just stressed because I want to do good in this class.” I’m walking with her. She walks down some metal stairs and starts reciting a riddle and about wheat and nuts. We go to the bottom and I say chaff because I think that’s a what a bundle of wheat is called. She smiles and claps her hands and says, “You’ll do fine!” She tells me where the lecture will be held and when. I leave her. I run back to the quad, but I run into a lot of blocks. There are people blocking the stairs. There are scores of people trying to get through the gate. Twice people think I’m someone else. I notice that if it’s a guy, I’m immediately excited. I’ve been starved for male attention and affection. Eventually, I find him. He smiles at me. We walk to an area that’s quieter. It’s so easy to talk to him! And he likes me! Upon a bridge in the distance, we see 4 giant dobermans walking along. The bridge is super high and they’re so big that they block the cars. I point at them. The guy nods, then looks at me and pulls me into his arms. “Do you have a boyfriend?” He asks. My hands are on his lower stomach, which is slightly distended in a lump. I push away. “Yes,” I say. “You’re being stupid,” he says, “being with someone like that.” He tells me how James can’t give me what I want, etc… I realize how ugly this man actually is. I wake up.

Note: I had this dream after spending lots of time rubbing my abdomen and wondering why I sometimes look and walk like I’m pregnant.

The Stresses of College

Dream 30/8/2016

I’m back at college. Someone reminds me that I have a massive project due, which I haven’t even started. I just got back from my trip and I’m exhausted. I have to work with another girl on the project and I don’t want to. Within minutes of when I get back, the college decides that my apartment is a perfect place for a store where they can sell school sweaters, etc… I also find out that I have new flatmates. They speak no English. They seem nice enough, but I just can’t handle it. I go to my room and cry. I wake up super grateful that I’m not in school any more!

Dream Fragments

Dream Fragments: Undated, sometime in August, 2016

Dream 1

In a variety of different situations, I embellish stories or tell lies. Each time, I wonder why. It’s totally unnecessary.

Dream 2

Rudo and two other witches are persecuting me. No mater where I run or hide they find me

I Blow Up at George Clooney

Dream: 8/8/2016

I’m a child (10-11 years old). I’m working in some kind of lab. I love my boss, but he’s very secretive. One day, I go to work and find the entrance (which looks like a well) surrounded by men in black suits. Seeing that I’m going somewhere, they start to question me. I make up a story and lie through my teeth. I know my boss is in the lab, but I also know they can’t get him if I don’t say anything. Eventually, they leave me alone. I wait next to the entrance for hours, but my boss never comes out. I decide to go home. On the way home, a car picks me up. My boss is in the car, along with a team of people. Everyone is dressed in black. They’re going to unmask the criminals (George Clooney and Julia Roberts). Except, just as we’re on our way, the building next to us goes up in fiery flame. The car is rocked. I get out. It’s smoky. I go to a nearby door. There’s an elevator. I get in and go to level 5.  As soon as I hit the number, the elevator goes up so fast that I float for several seconds before landing on my feet. I walk out and I’m at an extravagant restaurant. I walk over to a waiter, who eyes me questioningly. I tell him I’d like to look around. He seems to understand my predicament and points to a nearby stairway. I go down and am in a room with beautiful porcelain hanging on all of the walls and sitting in the cabinets. The lights are soft. I go to look in a cabinet when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see George Clooney and Julia Roberts heading for dinner. I duck my head down, hoping they won’t recognize me. They swoosh past. I follow them. At the restaurant, I see my Aunt Debbie. She’s dressed up really fancy. She’s surprised to see me, but invites me to join her for dinner. I mistake Colin Wilson for her husband. My aunt steers me towards our real table. George Clooney is giving a speech. I can’t take it any more. I boil over and stand up, calling him a liar. Everyone looks at me waiting for proof. I start talking about an English newspaper article regarding his maid which he had buried. My evidence is flimsy and people start to get up and walk about. George Clooney smirks at me. I’m only a child after all, easily discredited. Later, I’m in a room surrounded by paper. I’m sitting with a jury from the department of justice, trying to convince them to let me look at their records. Like the others, they deny me, but I’m not deterred. I know I’m right!

Meaning/Thoughts

I think that George Clooney and Julia Roberts represent my parents. When I was a kid, I felt that they were hiding something vital. Later when I was a teenager, they revealed that my eldest sister was only a 1/2 sister and that we had another 1/2 sister who lived with her mother. I’ve often felt that all the secrets made our family dynamics really toxic. As a child, I protected my family. I lied to keep up appearance, like they taught me to. In the dream, I lied to the men to protect the lab. But secrets always have a way of catching up with people [the nearby building blows up]. Eventually I have to stand up for the truth [I call George Clooney a liar]. Only, I have no proof. I have only my memories, which no one believes. I feel like I’m on trial [the jury from the department of justice]. People know things, but they won’t reveal them [they won’t let me see the records]. Everyone is in denial about the family dynamics except me. I guess that’s because everyone else has something to gain from things staying the same.

An Ancestral Drama

Dream Series: 7/8/2016

Dream 1

Me and 3 people are part of a diving competition. We go to the pool to practice. I’m okay at it, but not great. My lady partner is great, but has horrible anxiety. My male partner just can’t dive. Our team is allowed to enter 2 people. When we get home, the family is talking about how it should be the two women. My anxious partner tries to convince me I should go with the man instead. I tell her I can’t. It took him 30 minutes just to do one dive. The judges won’t stand for that. I’m not worried about any of it. I’m not a great diver, but I’m also not worried about whether we win or lose. We all have dinner with the family. I get the feeling it really matters to them, but no one will tell me why. There’s a big family secret there.

Dream 2

I’m married to my cousin, Rachel. She’s pregnant, but it’s not mine. Her lover is at the family party and she keeps going to him. I sit with her mother, who disapproves. I tell her that I’ll divorce Rachel or I’ll get an annulment as soon as she asks. Her mother wants to say something, but the couple are right behind her and she stops. I’m confused on why Rachel married me in the first place. The entire family is talking about how her lover treats her right by putting her on a pedestal and doing all the work. Her mom says that Rachel does 1/5 less than she used to. I’m not at all embarrassed or sad. My family can think what they like. What Rachel does has nothing to do with me. She doesn’t speak to me at all any more.

Note: I had this dream after receiving and sleeping with my yoni egg.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream series is all about ancestral patterns and family secrets, particularly around gender issues and relationships. I think the second dream is about an ancestral drama.  Maybe one of my ancestors fell pregnant and married someone else for security? My family has very strict, traditional views about relationships. Whoever she was, she wouldn’t have been treated very well if she followed her heart.

These dreams bring up a whole bunch of ingrained beliefs that need to be brought into the light and questioned. Like for example, what does it mean to be in a relationship? To be faithful? To have children? What does marriage mean to me? Do I value it or would I shatter it if I felt betrayed or uncertain of my partner’s feelings? These are all questions that every adult has to answer at one point or another, but I think it’s harder to do that when you know your family will disapprove unless you “toe the party line”. Still, it has to be done. This is my life and I have to live it according to what I believe not what I’ve been told to believe.

 

Stuck in School

Dream: 30/7/2016

I’m in some sort of school. We go to class on a giant bus with rows of seats stacked on either side like an auditorium. There’s a physically disabled kid that I’m friends with and try to help. Everything I do seem to make things worse though. I think it will be helpful, but it’s not. In the end, I give up and sit down. I don’t like the teacher. I’m bored. I run my tongue over my teeth and realize that one is going to fall out. I tug at it, and it falls into pieces in my palm. They’re rotten to the core. I freak out and run to the bathroom. When I look in the mirror, I see all my teeth are there. They are perfect, but when I feel the area with my tongue there’s a gap. It worries me. I go back to class. Channing Tatum is there, but he’s leaving. He talks about how acting frees the soul and school is a waste of time. I deride him, not because I think he’s wrong, but because I know he’s right but I don’t want to get in trouble

Meaning/Thoughts

This reminds me of the dream I wrote about in Done with School. In that dream, I’m completely ready to leave school and I stand up to the teachers. In this dream, I’m ready to leave school, but I’m still afraid of the teachers and the power they have over me. I’m conflicted. I feel like my education closed off certain parts of me [represented by the disabled child], and that no matter what I do, I still can’t seem to access them. I’m bored with the status quo and I want things to change, but something holds me back. I see lots of other people moving forward and living their dreams and instead of being supportive, I’m jealous. I guess there’s still a big part of me that’s afraid.

Garnet Vision

Meditation Dream: July, 2016

Sometimes when I’m in need of guidance, I pick a card. I have an awesome pack of Crystal Oversoul Cards, which I love. After shuffling the deck, I picked the garnet card. It has to do with accelerating the divine spark and clearing out the base chakra. When I focused on the card, it seemed to shift and change. Eventually, I closed my eyes. I saw a being standing before me. He turned and led me to a red temple. I laid down on an altar made of garnet and saw all kinds of geometric symbols. I got scared when a big ball of energy appeared above me. I checked to make sure I was safe. When I was calm again, the ball entered my body. I heard the words “Earth Connection.” Mother Earth came then. She mixed dirt and stone and ocean and plants into a mug and held it out to me to drink. I did, and I immediately felt a rush of energy run throughout my body. Then, I saw my body change colour and substance until I was entirely made of rock and clay. “You are now one of the red people,” Mother Earth said. “A walking, talking stone woman.” I have a feeling the deeper meaning will be made clear in time. For now, I feel very earthed and sleepy.

3 A.M. Thought #9

That love, that endless unconditional love that I feel the universe pouring out to everyone I meet is pouring out to me too. There is nothing I have to do, no deadline to meet, no one to disappoint. I can do things because I want to, because I love to. There is no need to stress!

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