Questioning Perceptions

Dream: 23/2/2017

I’m in Paris. I buy a plane ticket to a city in the Middle East beginning with K. I’m in a rush so I don’t check the ticket. I get on the plane and I end up sitting in the nose of the plane. I wait patiently. Then suddenly, we take off and we’re doing crazy acrobatics because of the wind. I realize I don’t have my seatbelt on. I reach for it and realize it’s one of the over the shoulder ones, like a fighter pilot would use. I clip it into place. After a few minutes, the pilot makes like he’s going to land. We enter a tunnel half filled with water. There are numbers on the wall like the kind you see in subway stations and there are people waiting on platforms placed along the side of the tunnel. The ceiling is made of concrete and looks  striped. When we go past, it has a strange effect and makes me feel like we’re traveling at warp speed. Finally, we fly out the other side of the tunnel and start going back up. Except this time, I’m facing downwards. I can see the tunnel we came out of and what looks like a giant velvet cloth next to it. As we go higher, the velvet becomes a massive statue of a cobra and two dolphins intertwined. I watch it for awhile until a flight attendant comes and asks me what I’m doing. I realize I’m leaning on my harness as though I’m being pulled downward. I sit back. She asks me if I know what’s behind a door in the cabin. There’s only one other passenger in the cabin, a large man with tremendous amount of stuff (old camera reels, food, books, etc…). His stuff is strewn all over the place. We both shake our heads and then agree that there might be a dentist behind the door. The flight attendant might have suggested that possibility. In any case, she leaves and then I hear an announcement. I realize I’m on the wrong plane! I check my ticket and it says I’m on my way to Michigan. I have another ticket that will fly me back to Edinburgh, Scotland. I have a little freak out, wondering how this happened. I look out the window and see tractors on the ceiling. I point them out the other guy, saying they must be flying upside down. But he replies, perhaps we’re not upside down but the world is! I don’t know what to do about the tickets. I wonder if the airline will refund it or give me a new ticket. I can’t decide if I should just go to Scotland or head back to California. I find my thinking about my partner, James, and wondering what he will want to do. That’s when I realize I haven’t seen him in a while and suddenly have a torrent of questions.  Did we pack up the hotel in Paris? Did I grab my phone charger? That’s when I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

The one clear thing about this dream is that it calls my perception of the world into question. Whenever I think I know something in the dream [i.e. I’m going to the city K], it turns out to be wrong. And then I’m constantly having to question my directionality. Am I right side up or upside down? Or can I be either depending on what I’m using as my frame of reference? I think the dream is trying to shake me out of my traditional perception of the world [i.e. planes don’t fly through subway tunnels…or do they?], but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a way of opening up my consciousness to let new ideas in?

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The Old is Falling Away

Dream: 11/2/2017

My fingernail is split into ribbons. I pull them back. Underneath is a new, perfectly healthy nail. I wonder how I’m going to get rid of the old one which is still attached. Should I bite it off? Clip it? Or just wait for it to fall off.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think this is a positive sign about my healing process. The old masks and layers that I used to protect myself with have been shredded and are on the brink of falling away entirely. Underneath I find I’m strong and healthy. Now I’m learning to let go and not fall back into old pattern just because they’re easy!

Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.

 

 

Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Two Hospital Dreams

Dream 30/11/2016: Hospital in the Statue of Liberty

Something happens, and I get taken to a hospital. The hospital is actually at the top of the statue of liberty, in the crown part. Everything is smashed up and graffitied. The hospital staff doesn’t know what to do with me. I end up on floor 15, which is empty. I’m under a big glass dome. I lay down and sing. When someone finally notices me, they take me downstairs. A nurse puts a thing in my right shoulder. It sticks out and has a series of holes in the top where IV tubes can be connected to it. I notice a guy who is constantly putting new tubes into his shoulder device. He looks very wilderness. He spots me watching him and says, “Wait until they take it out, you’ll finally be able to breathe again.”

Dream 14/12/2016: All Alone

I’m in the hospital. I’m pregnant, possibly going into labour. I’m not scared but I’m trying to figure out how to tell the doctors why I never got a check-up or an ultrasound. I’m all alone. No one comes to talk to me. Eventually I wonder if I’m dilated and put my hand down there to check. It comes back covered in blood and I start screaming for help. No one answer me and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what these dream mean, but I think it’s interesting that in both of them nobody notices that I need help. I guess sometimes I feel like I’m always supporting others, but if something serious happened who would support me?

The Burning Tree

Meditation: 29/11/2016

I was listening to a LightBody meditation, when I realized that I often resist moving into really blissful, flowing states of consciousness. Whenever I start to feel “too good”, there is a part of me that gets scared and shuts everything down. That part of me believes I don’t deserve to feel good and that I will be punished for trying to experience something I don’t deserve. It’s definitely related to some old religious conditioning. Gee thanks Catholic school! Anyways… Near the end of the meditation, I got an image of myself floating on my back above a single perfectly round tree in the middle of a massive green field. While I’m floating, someone (me?) sets the tree on fire and my body gets burned. It burns into ashes, which are carried away by the wind.

Thoughts/Meaning

Given that I was dealing with some old religious conditioning, the symbol of a burning bush is pretty dramatic. It was after all the way God spoke to Moses (from Exodus: “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”). Interestingly, my burning tree destroys me completely. Maybe that’s my real fear, that if I did come into contact with God there would be nothing left of me. I would just burn up and be destroyed.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

I Blow Up at George Clooney

Dream: 8/8/2016

I’m a child (10-11 years old). I’m working in some kind of lab. I love my boss, but he’s very secretive. One day, I go to work and find the entrance (which looks like a well) surrounded by men in black suits. Seeing that I’m going somewhere, they start to question me. I make up a story and lie through my teeth. I know my boss is in the lab, but I also know they can’t get him if I don’t say anything. Eventually, they leave me alone. I wait next to the entrance for hours, but my boss never comes out. I decide to go home. On the way home, a car picks me up. My boss is in the car, along with a team of people. Everyone is dressed in black. They’re going to unmask the criminals (George Clooney and Julia Roberts). Except, just as we’re on our way, the building next to us goes up in fiery flame. The car is rocked. I get out. It’s smoky. I go to a nearby door. There’s an elevator. I get in and go to level 5.  As soon as I hit the number, the elevator goes up so fast that I float for several seconds before landing on my feet. I walk out and I’m at an extravagant restaurant. I walk over to a waiter, who eyes me questioningly. I tell him I’d like to look around. He seems to understand my predicament and points to a nearby stairway. I go down and am in a room with beautiful porcelain hanging on all of the walls and sitting in the cabinets. The lights are soft. I go to look in a cabinet when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see George Clooney and Julia Roberts heading for dinner. I duck my head down, hoping they won’t recognize me. They swoosh past. I follow them. At the restaurant, I see my Aunt Debbie. She’s dressed up really fancy. She’s surprised to see me, but invites me to join her for dinner. I mistake Colin Wilson for her husband. My aunt steers me towards our real table. George Clooney is giving a speech. I can’t take it any more. I boil over and stand up, calling him a liar. Everyone looks at me waiting for proof. I start talking about an English newspaper article regarding his maid which he had buried. My evidence is flimsy and people start to get up and walk about. George Clooney smirks at me. I’m only a child after all, easily discredited. Later, I’m in a room surrounded by paper. I’m sitting with a jury from the department of justice, trying to convince them to let me look at their records. Like the others, they deny me, but I’m not deterred. I know I’m right!

Meaning/Thoughts

I think that George Clooney and Julia Roberts represent my parents. When I was a kid, I felt that they were hiding something vital. Later when I was a teenager, they revealed that my eldest sister was only a 1/2 sister and that we had another 1/2 sister who lived with her mother. I’ve often felt that all the secrets made our family dynamics really toxic. As a child, I protected my family. I lied to keep up appearance, like they taught me to. In the dream, I lied to the men to protect the lab. But secrets always have a way of catching up with people [the nearby building blows up]. Eventually I have to stand up for the truth [I call George Clooney a liar]. Only, I have no proof. I have only my memories, which no one believes. I feel like I’m on trial [the jury from the department of justice]. People know things, but they won’t reveal them [they won’t let me see the records]. Everyone is in denial about the family dynamics except me. I guess that’s because everyone else has something to gain from things staying the same.

Done with School

I am reading Deschooling Society. It reminds me of a dream I had a few months ago. In the dream, I’m at All Hallows, a Catholic school I used to attend. All the students are out in the yard. It’s like a giant PE class. I feel like the teachers are mistreating the students. I’m really annoyed. Suddenly, I remember that I have a PhD. I stand up, yelling “I have a PhD! I’m done with this stuff, done with school. DONE!” My PhD advisor is there. She and a few of the teachers try to convince me to stay, but I’m adamant. I know it isn’t the place for me anymore. As I walk out, I notice that my advisor is crying tears of joy.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’m going to be completely honest. I have a really negative opinion of traditional western schooling. I think it kills creativity and originality and is basically a system for indoctrinating western social values into the masses. There’s a great Ted talk about how school kills creativity and all kinds of fabulous books and blogs on the subject. At the same time, I consider being educated an absolute blessing that completely shaped my life. I think this dream is about me finally breaking away from my western values and learning to think for myself. I’m done with learning what other people think is important. I’m ready to find out what’s important to me and to formulate my own opinions.

Gypsy Circus in the Desert

Dream 17/7/2016

I’m attending a gypsy circus. The landscape is really dusty and desert like. My sister, Jaime, and her son are there. The kid keeps pushing open the metal gates that stand between the audience and the show. Jaime keeps picking him up and closing the gates. Then, he opens them when a tiger is pacing back and forth. My inner rescuer kicks in. I grab him and think angrily that someone should padlock the gate during shows.

Thoughts/Meaning

Children (my inner child?) can expose what we believe to be the most dangerous part of ourselves [the tiger]. They aren’t confined by the societal rules and regulations [the gates]. Instead, they are true explorers, open to the possibilities. My child is trying to open the gate within me, to help me have new experiences [the gypsy circus], but I keep shutting them because I’m afraid [wandering in the desert].

I had this dream right after watching The Legend of Tarzan for the 2nd time.  The whole story of Tarzan is about man’s connection to his inner nature, which Western society sees as wild and uncontrollable and therefore unacceptable. They literally beat him and break him down so that he can ‘civilized’. I guess there’s a part of me that worries that if I truly connect with my instinctual self and Mother Earth that I will become too wild, too unacceptable. There is a part of me that wishes I was happy just being ‘normal’. That part of me wants what my sisters have: a family, a house, children, etc… For many years, I’ve made that part of me out to be weak and easily controlled, but what if it’s not? What if it’s natural? Maybe it’s time to venerate the different aspects of myself. To honor the part of me that wants to experience and grow and serve and teach, and to honor the part of me that wants to have the simple joys and pleasures of a normal life. Both are parts of me. I thought for a long time that one excluded the other, but they don’t. I can have both, be both.

The Zombie Within

Dream 30/6/2016

I feel like the whole world is contaminated, like I’m contaminated. There is a part of me that’s very zombie-like, all death and destruction. I don’t want to let it out. Elaine is describing herself. She says she’s got 3 people inside her: Joseph, the zombie, and a 12 year old girl. The 12 year old isn’t aware enough to be useful, so Elaine operates out of Joseph.

Thoughts/Meaning

I used to have a terrible fear about contamination and being contaminated. I think it stems from growing up Catholic and going to a religious school. The Catholic religion believes that the devil is always there, waiting to tempt you, and bring you down. I wonder how many more people would experience their extrasensory abilities if they didn’t have the belief of the devil hanging over them. Modern psychology isn’t much better than religion in that area. Freud may have done away with the idea of external demons, but he created the idea of the subconscious and its animalistic drives. I think that’s what my zombie dreams are really about. I split out all the parts of me that frighten me and aren’t acceptable, and they emerge in my dreams as something scary and destructive. I know I’m not the only that feels split. I think that’s what Elaine represents in the dream. We all split ourselves into pieces and only show the side of ourselves that we think is acceptable to others. What if we didn’t need to do that? What if every part of us was allowed? That kind of radical acceptance is required for real healing. I know that. I’ve experienced that. So I guess the message of the dream is this: Stop worrying about being contaminated. You already are (because all those things you’re afraid of are inside of you) and it’s okay.

Exploring the Seedy Hotel

Dream: Undated

I’m walking into some kind of hotel. I expect it to be beautiful and spacious, but instead it’s seedy and full of prostitutes. I make my way through the corridors, knowing that everything will be okay if I just get to the center. Along the way, I run into Elaine. She says, she needs my help at dawn on the beach. I nod and say I’ll be there. There’s heaps of time til then, so I decide to explore the hotel. I end up sitting with a beautiful blonde man. He’s watching a show. We play games and I think he’s really cool. Then suddenly, I hear my parents calling and I run out without saying goodbye. My parents put me in a car and start to drive away. I remember my promise to Elaine and jump out of the moving vehicle.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think this dream is about moving forward instead of back. I’m finding my way towards a new way of being, but in that process, I’m in transition [hotel] and things feel uncertain and uncomfortable. I have friends who are helping me along the way [Elaine and the blonde man], but my past sometimes pull me back [my parents]. At first, I let myself revert back to the old ways [I get in the car], but then I realize what I’m doing and choose the new way [I jump out of the car].

Unmet Expectations

Dream: Undated, sometime in mid 2015

I’m in a grocery store with all of my sisters. Everybody there is trying to decide what to do. I talk to a guy and he says, he hates his PhD. I know it’s because he’s in the wrong field. Haley leaves the grocery store. I freak out, wondering how I’m going to get home. She tells me to wait for Jaime, but I have no idea where she is. I run into my friend Ayla, who has disguised herself as my cousin, Rachel. I apologize to her and she gets really mad and says we should just leave it. Except, I’m ashamed of what I said. She nods. I notice she’s missing an arm beneath her right elbow.

Thoughts/Meaning

The beginning of the dream makes perfect sense to me. In mid-2015, I had just finished my PhD and decided not to continue in academia. I’ve often wondered if I might still be an academic if I’d chosen a different field of study. I think that’s what the grocery store represents, the myriad of different choices that I had. Except even in a grocery store, your choices are limited. You can’t buy something the store doesn’t stock. Just like I couldn’t study a lot of things I was actually interested in.

As for the rest of the dream… my friendship with Ayla was complicated and confusing. It actually ended within a few months of this dream. Perhaps the dream was a foreshadowing, a preparation for the end of the friendship. The last time I saw Ayla, I did say something I was ashamed of. As for her being disguised… I think that’s partially why the friendship ended. I wanted her to be different than she was. I guess that’s the link between her and the PhD. I expected both things to be something other than what they were. In the end, when they didn’t meet my expectations, I was disappointed and had to let them both go.

Rescuing the Lifeboat

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m standing in a narrow room talking to a beautiful woman who is sitting just outside the room. The room is filled with water up to my chest. I don’t mind. But as we’re talking, the woman points out that a life raft full of people (like the orange enclosed ones that come with cruise ships) is about to tip over. “Are you going to get that?” She asks. I immediately swing into action, but the water is suddenly stormy. No matter what I do, the life boat is flooding. Eventually, I pick it up and hold it out of the water, but I know I can’t do this for long. I call out. The lady and two other people get into the water, trying to help me. I look up and think that the life boat looks like raw chicken. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I had this dream the same night that I tried to do an energy healing for my partner. I touched his legs and immediately started to cry. The water in the dream clearly represents emotions. The lady possibly represents my soul. I’m not sure about the lifeboat. Maybe it represents how I felt about James at that point in my life? That I have to help him, save him from stormy seas? I have no clue why the lifeboat reminded me of raw chicken. Maybe it’s a symbol that my ideas about helping people aren’t fully formed [uncooked]?

Osiris Nightmare

Nightmare: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I am held captive with a male friend. A group of women chop off his hands and feet. I see him sitting there, dismembered and I start to scream and cry. I’m not upset that it happened. I’m upset because I didn’t do anything to prevent it.

Meaning/Thoughts

Reminded me a lot of the Osiris myth… Also reminds me of a dream I had years ago. In that dream, I’m driving away from a crime scene. I’m really nervous that the cops will come after me because my prints are all over the crime scene. There isn’t a body, but there is a lot of blood. I know that I dismembered the body and hid all the pieces. I left an empty pair of boots sitting where the body should have been.

Chased by a Cop and Dinosaurs

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1:

I’m being chased by someone. I think he’s a cop. He’s always one step ahead of me. When I go to get on the train, I have to run because he’s there. He finds me in the street. I’m always on the run, never any peace and I’m exhausted. Finally, I make it to the airport and I think I’m about to get away for good. But then I see him and something inside me cracks. I call a friend and tell him, “It’s over. I give up. I can’t fight anymore.” The police guy turns and looks at me. I stand there no longer running and then I wake up.

Dream 2:

I’m on an island, on a beach. Suddenly, a hoard of dinosaurs comes running towards me. I run in fear, but I’m not fast enough. They catch up, but then run right past. I get out of their way. They continue running and I’m awed that they didn’t eat/hurt me. I find myself nearing a gift shop. The lady inside saw what happened. She brings me inside and gives me a ring, which looks like an upside-down teacup with a pearl on top.

Meaning/Thoughts

These dreams are about facing my fears. In the first one, I have to face my fear [the cop] before it will stop chasing me. In the other, I don’t have to face anything, only realize that there was nothing to fear to begin with [the dinosaur’s didn’t eat me].

The Silver Door

Dream: Undated, sometime in early-2015

I can fly. I have some kind of competition in the country to attend. I’m ready to go, but someone has moved a few cars around and I can’t get to a usable car. I know it will take normal people ages to walk over and get the cars rearranged, so I fly over, pick one up and bring it back. Then I go and get the next one. It’s near a series of power lines. I run into them and am badly shocked. My heart spazzes and stops for a few seconds. I’m in pain. I ask the competition people to call an ambulance, but they refuse. I walk to the nearest place. It’s a bar where people are dancing. I ask several people to call an ambulance. They look at me and then look away. Finally, I see a woman who has a bike/rickshaw. I get in and ask to go to the nearest hospital. She yell out, “Okay, JFK Memorial!” Immediately, we start going down into a tunnel system. I keep losing stuff off the rickshaw (pillows, my jacket, etc…). I tell the driver, but she doesn’t stop. Eventually, we end up stopping because she’s lost. She points to a silver oval door and says it’s a short cut, except we have to walk. The other problem is that it’s owned by the Italian mob and if they catch us in there, they will kill us. People are going in, but I get worried. I ask how long we’ll have before they notice. The woman says ~20 minutes. I decide I don’t want to go that way. A guy comes along asking if I want a lift. I accept. Within minutes though, we’re back at the silver door. We have no choice. We decide to go through. The first 6-7 rooms are very nicely decorated, but I’m worried the doors will lock us in, so I’m always rushing to keep up with the person in front of me and keep the door open. We make it to a different room, kind of dilapidated. Suddenly, there’s no one in front of us. The passageway suddenly has so many more options than just straight ahead. It has stairs and corridors in every direction and even trapdoors going down. The woman decides to go down a flight of stairs only to turn around and say we shouldn’t go that way. Elaine is now with us. We push forward and enter a corridor where bugs fly down very quickly and centipedes/spiders are crawling on the wall. I’m terrified. I sit down and find a spider between my toes. I freak out. Elaine says she’ll check it out. She goes down the corridor. When she comes back, she won’t talk about it. She just heads back the way we came. We assume it’s not safe and follow her. Next to the door we came through, I see a tiny closet door. Wondering what’s inside, I push it open. There’s a window! I look out and I can see a long straight wing of a house underwater. The house is blue with a long semi-flat red rood and wooden support poles sticking out every so often. Where we are is 70% underwater. The bug corridor heads straight down into the murky depths and is completely submerged. It looks like a dead-end. I’m about to suggest we go back and find the long corridor, but somehow I realize we should just go out the window. To fit through it, we’ll have to leave everything we’re carrying (backpacks, supplies, etc…) behind. Once we’re outside, we have to jump from dry area to dry area. The whole place is inundated. We make it to an area with lots of cars and a fire engine. The guy thinks we should break into the firehouse. I’m not so sure. I just want to continue through and find dry land. I wake up.

Meaning/Thoughts

Here’s what I wrote at the time of the dream: The shock to my heart = awakening process? People don’t help because they’re afraid? After awakening, you have to go through the subconscious [underwater building], which I feel is risky [if you’re caught, they’ll kill you]. At first, I’m following everybody else, always trying to catch up. Then suddenly, there’s no one to follow and I feel lost. I can go any way I choose. The question is, which way is right? Navigating life outside the culture makes me entirely dependent on my intuition, my own internal knowing. What feels right? I go in certain directions and come face to face with deep fears [spiders, etc…]. I’m not curious about exploring in the dream, but rather want to find the quickest way out. There is a feeling that I’ll be trapped in there, unable to ever get out. I must somehow equate the development of my personal awakening with the possibility of madness or death.

Additional Side-note: In Journeys Out of Body, the author talks about the influence of power lines in out-of-body experiences. I wonder if this was a symbolic dream or an out of body experience?

 

 

Examining Social Conditioning

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1

James and I are climbing all over stuff suspended from a hotel ceiling. There are old train cars, giant clocks, etc… It’s fun, but I decide to take a break. James says he wants to climb some more. Suddenly, the stuff starts turning like a giant machine, cogs in a wheel. I start screaming, yelling out to see if James is okay. A person drops from really high. I run over. It’s Elaine. She tries to get up but collapses. I tell her not to move and I yell out for the staff to get an ambulance. It takes forever. James is fine and rushes over, helping me with Elaine. She ends up with her head in my lap. I’m crying. She tells me she’s not going to make it. I tell her to hang on. She’s prepared to die. The ambulance finally comes. The paramedics are dressed in ebola suits. I tell them she has no family here and they let me go with her.

Dream 2

Sam comes to dinner with me and Mary Anne. He parks outside. We hear a crash and run outside. Some jerks are repeatedly bashing all the cars in the carpark as they drive past. His car is totaled. We find out it’s an activist group. I track them down and ask them to pay for the damage. They’re all black. I keep saying dude to sound cool. They won’t pay. I threaten to sue because you can’t just damage other people’s personal property. They say that’s exactly the idea that they’re against. I realize this group is very dangerous and I back out of the room.

Thoughts/Meaning

These are definitely dreams about social conditioning, but I’m not sure exactly what they mean. I think the first one references the idea that if I look too deeply into my conditioning there will be some kind of backlash [Elaine’s fall/death] because new ideas are contagious [her body was collected by people in hazmat suits] and the powers that be need to keep things as they are [cogs in wheel supporting a bigger machine]. The second one is about how my life is structured around a lot of these social beliefs [e.g. the idea of personal property]. I’m afraid that if these go away, chaos will break out [the gang bashes up all the cars]. That’s what I’ve always been taught, right? That without society and societal rules, mankind will degenerate into a chaotic, violent mess. Only, I think that’s just another a belief that keeps us invested in social structures. If we’re convinced we’re evil and need to be controlled, then we’ll let ourselves be oppressed. We might even help the oppressors because we think it’s necessary. It’s interesting how much this parallels religion. Society tries to keep us from knowing ourselves just as much as religion does. If we know ourselves, then we know we’re not actually evil. And if we’re not evil, then we don’t need protecting or controlling because we can trust ourselves. How different life on this planet would be if each of us completed trusted ourselves!

Field Camp

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m at some kind of field camp in the woods. They have strict rules but all I want to do is play in the river and kiss my boyfriend (Gabe). I’m excited that he likes me even though I’m fat. When they find out we were jumping in the river, the camp leader comes to find me and my friends. We are in the shower block. One of the girls steps outside and they start shooting. My other friends try to escape. Some get shot. One gets dragged behind a horse. I walk out. I don’t care if they shoot me. They’re going to do what they’re going to do. I walk up to them, and they take me prisoner. A guy comes and starts telling me how they just wanted to keep us safe from the bears. He says he killed one. I become infuriated and break my handcuffs. I start yelling at  him, “You’ve never fought a bear. I know because I have and you would be way more cut up! It was the worst moment of my life!” I get him to stand on a yellow door trap. I pull the lever and he falls into a vat of bear piss that hunters use so bears won’t scent them. I pull him out. I stood up for myself and now people won’t bother me. I tell everyone I’m going back to look for Gabe. Someone says he will be fine. I negate his sentiment and say something like, “Why? Because good things follow me?”

Meaning/Thoughts

This dream reminds me of my time in high school [Gabe was my sweetheart at that time]. The punishments are totally disproportionate to the crimes [they shoot people for going into the river] and sentences are carried out in the name of keeping people safe [from bears]. Except, I’ve already experienced the worst [I’d fought off a bear]. They can’t keep me safe from something that has already happened, and I’m annoyed that they would try. In the dream, I’m obviously scarred from the experience and believe that I need to keep people at a distance.

Mining Inner Gold

I dreamed about having to wake myself up from fake reality. I also dreamed about being super controlling. After waking up, I had a vision. In the vision, I give back to dad all of his projections and burdens that I carry for him. With the help of a wizard, these are turned into little gold gifts. Dad doesn’t want to take them at first, but eventually he does. I get into a mining cart and leave him. The cart takes me into an underground cavern full of gold and jewels and treasures. I wonder what use it is hidden underground like it is. I take some to the surface. In the light of day, the gold turns to dirt, pure beautiful Earth from which things can grow. The message is clear. I can only grow and be fully productive if I mine my inner gold.

The Egyptian Priest

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I am in an airport, going on a trip. On the way to my plane, I bump into my cousin Amber. She’s going the other way. I stop. Lindsay takes my bag and I give Amber a big hug. Then I realize I’m going to lose the people in my group and I let her go. We never said anything, just gave each other a big full bodied hug. I get to my gate, but my destination isn’t listed on the screen. Instead, the plane is going somewhere else, but it doesn’t say where. I realize Lindsay left my bag with the group and I have to go find it.  When I get my bag, it accidentally gets put on a conveyor belt where they’re looking for contraband and contamination. I tell the guy it doesn’t belong there. He says “I’ll get it back”, but he doesn’t mark it or anything. I know he’s an Egyptian priest so I don’t argue, but I have a feeling it’s gone for forever. I wait for my bag and slowly the airport fades away and I’m in the desert. The priest is working on a project there. The Prince has come and wants to take up all his time, but the priest is busy. The Prince is beautiful, but he only cares about power. I look at them and think “the one who doesn’t try is the powerful one.”

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