Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Two Hospital Dreams

Dream 30/11/2016: Hospital in the Statue of Liberty

Something happens, and I get taken to a hospital. The hospital is actually at the top of the statue of liberty, in the crown part. Everything is smashed up and graffitied. The hospital staff doesn’t know what to do with me. I end up on floor 15, which is empty. I’m under a big glass dome. I lay down and sing. When someone finally notices me, they take me downstairs. A nurse puts a thing in my right shoulder. It sticks out and has a series of holes in the top where IV tubes can be connected to it. I notice a guy who is constantly putting new tubes into his shoulder device. He looks very wilderness. He spots me watching him and says, “Wait until they take it out, you’ll finally be able to breathe again.”

Dream 14/12/2016: All Alone

I’m in the hospital. I’m pregnant, possibly going into labour. I’m not scared but I’m trying to figure out how to tell the doctors why I never got a check-up or an ultrasound. I’m all alone. No one comes to talk to me. Eventually I wonder if I’m dilated and put my hand down there to check. It comes back covered in blood and I start screaming for help. No one answer me and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what these dream mean, but I think it’s interesting that in both of them nobody notices that I need help. I guess sometimes I feel like I’m always supporting others, but if something serious happened who would support me?

The Burning Tree

Meditation: 29/11/2016

I was listening to a LightBody meditation, when I realized that I often resist moving into really blissful, flowing states of consciousness. Whenever I start to feel “too good”, there is a part of me that gets scared and shuts everything down. That part of me believes I don’t deserve to feel good and that I will be punished for trying to experience something I don’t deserve. It’s definitely related to some old religious conditioning. Gee thanks Catholic school! Anyways… Near the end of the meditation, I got an image of myself floating on my back above a single perfectly round tree in the middle of a massive green field. While I’m floating, someone (me?) sets the tree on fire and my body gets burned. It burns into ashes, which are carried away by the wind.

Thoughts/Meaning

Given that I was dealing with some old religious conditioning, the symbol of a burning bush is pretty dramatic. It was after all the way God spoke to Moses (from Exodus: “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”). Interestingly, my burning tree destroys me completely. Maybe that’s my real fear, that if I did come into contact with God there would be nothing left of me. I would just burn up and be destroyed.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

I Blow Up at George Clooney

Dream: 8/8/2016

I’m a child (10-11 years old). I’m working in some kind of lab. I love my boss, but he’s very secretive. One day, I go to work and find the entrance (which looks like a well) surrounded by men in black suits. Seeing that I’m going somewhere, they start to question me. I make up a story and lie through my teeth. I know my boss is in the lab, but I also know they can’t get him if I don’t say anything. Eventually, they leave me alone. I wait next to the entrance for hours, but my boss never comes out. I decide to go home. On the way home, a car picks me up. My boss is in the car, along with a team of people. Everyone is dressed in black. They’re going to unmask the criminals (George Clooney and Julia Roberts). Except, just as we’re on our way, the building next to us goes up in fiery flame. The car is rocked. I get out. It’s smoky. I go to a nearby door. There’s an elevator. I get in and go to level 5.  As soon as I hit the number, the elevator goes up so fast that I float for several seconds before landing on my feet. I walk out and I’m at an extravagant restaurant. I walk over to a waiter, who eyes me questioningly. I tell him I’d like to look around. He seems to understand my predicament and points to a nearby stairway. I go down and am in a room with beautiful porcelain hanging on all of the walls and sitting in the cabinets. The lights are soft. I go to look in a cabinet when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see George Clooney and Julia Roberts heading for dinner. I duck my head down, hoping they won’t recognize me. They swoosh past. I follow them. At the restaurant, I see my Aunt Debbie. She’s dressed up really fancy. She’s surprised to see me, but invites me to join her for dinner. I mistake Colin Wilson for her husband. My aunt steers me towards our real table. George Clooney is giving a speech. I can’t take it any more. I boil over and stand up, calling him a liar. Everyone looks at me waiting for proof. I start talking about an English newspaper article regarding his maid which he had buried. My evidence is flimsy and people start to get up and walk about. George Clooney smirks at me. I’m only a child after all, easily discredited. Later, I’m in a room surrounded by paper. I’m sitting with a jury from the department of justice, trying to convince them to let me look at their records. Like the others, they deny me, but I’m not deterred. I know I’m right!

Meaning/Thoughts

I think that George Clooney and Julia Roberts represent my parents. When I was a kid, I felt that they were hiding something vital. Later when I was a teenager, they revealed that my eldest sister was only a 1/2 sister and that we had another 1/2 sister who lived with her mother. I’ve often felt that all the secrets made our family dynamics really toxic. As a child, I protected my family. I lied to keep up appearance, like they taught me to. In the dream, I lied to the men to protect the lab. But secrets always have a way of catching up with people [the nearby building blows up]. Eventually I have to stand up for the truth [I call George Clooney a liar]. Only, I have no proof. I have only my memories, which no one believes. I feel like I’m on trial [the jury from the department of justice]. People know things, but they won’t reveal them [they won’t let me see the records]. Everyone is in denial about the family dynamics except me. I guess that’s because everyone else has something to gain from things staying the same.

Done with School

I am reading Deschooling Society. It reminds me of a dream I had a few months ago. In the dream, I’m at All Hallows, a Catholic school I used to attend. All the students are out in the yard. It’s like a giant PE class. I feel like the teachers are mistreating the students. I’m really annoyed. Suddenly, I remember that I have a PhD. I stand up, yelling “I have a PhD! I’m done with this stuff, done with school. DONE!” My PhD advisor is there. She and a few of the teachers try to convince me to stay, but I’m adamant. I know it isn’t the place for me anymore. As I walk out, I notice that my advisor is crying tears of joy.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’m going to be completely honest. I have a really negative opinion of traditional western schooling. I think it kills creativity and originality and is basically a system for indoctrinating western social values into the masses. There’s a great Ted talk about how school kills creativity and all kinds of fabulous books and blogs on the subject. At the same time, I consider being educated an absolute blessing that completely shaped my life. I think this dream is about me finally breaking away from my western values and learning to think for myself. I’m done with learning what other people think is important. I’m ready to find out what’s important to me and to formulate my own opinions.

Gypsy Circus in the Desert

Dream 17/7/2016

I’m attending a gypsy circus. The landscape is really dusty and desert like. My sister, Jaime, and her son are there. The kid keeps pushing open the metal gates that stand between the audience and the show. Jaime keeps picking him up and closing the gates. Then, he opens them when a tiger is pacing back and forth. My inner rescuer kicks in. I grab him and think angrily that someone should padlock the gate during shows.

Thoughts/Meaning

Children (my inner child?) can expose what we believe to be the most dangerous part of ourselves [the tiger]. They aren’t confined by the societal rules and regulations [the gates]. Instead, they are true explorers, open to the possibilities. My child is trying to open the gate within me, to help me have new experiences [the gypsy circus], but I keep shutting them because I’m afraid [wandering in the desert].

I had this dream right after watching The Legend of Tarzan for the 2nd time.  The whole story of Tarzan is about man’s connection to his inner nature, which Western society sees as wild and uncontrollable and therefore unacceptable. They literally beat him and break him down so that he can ‘civilized’. I guess there’s a part of me that worries that if I truly connect with my instinctual self and Mother Earth that I will become too wild, too unacceptable. There is a part of me that wishes I was happy just being ‘normal’. That part of me wants what my sisters have: a family, a house, children, etc… For many years, I’ve made that part of me out to be weak and easily controlled, but what if it’s not? What if it’s natural? Maybe it’s time to venerate the different aspects of myself. To honor the part of me that wants to experience and grow and serve and teach, and to honor the part of me that wants to have the simple joys and pleasures of a normal life. Both are parts of me. I thought for a long time that one excluded the other, but they don’t. I can have both, be both.

The Zombie Within

Dream 30/6/2016

I feel like the whole world is contaminated, like I’m contaminated. There is a part of me that’s very zombie-like, all death and destruction. I don’t want to let it out. Elaine is describing herself. She says she’s got 3 people inside her: Joseph, the zombie, and a 12 year old girl. The 12 year old isn’t aware enough to be useful, so Elaine operates out of Joseph.

Thoughts/Meaning

I used to have a terrible fear about contamination and being contaminated. I think it stems from growing up Catholic and going to a religious school. The Catholic religion believes that the devil is always there, waiting to tempt you, and bring you down. I wonder how many more people would experience their extrasensory abilities if they didn’t have the belief of the devil hanging over them. Modern psychology isn’t much better than religion in that area. Freud may have done away with the idea of external demons, but he created the idea of the subconscious and its animalistic drives. I think that’s what my zombie dreams are really about. I split out all the parts of me that frighten me and aren’t acceptable, and they emerge in my dreams as something scary and destructive. I know I’m not the only that feels split. I think that’s what Elaine represents in the dream. We all split ourselves into pieces and only show the side of ourselves that we think is acceptable to others. What if we didn’t need to do that? What if every part of us was allowed? That kind of radical acceptance is required for real healing. I know that. I’ve experienced that. So I guess the message of the dream is this: Stop worrying about being contaminated. You already are (because all those things you’re afraid of are inside of you) and it’s okay.

Exploring the Seedy Hotel

Dream: Undated

I’m walking into some kind of hotel. I expect it to be beautiful and spacious, but instead it’s seedy and full of prostitutes. I make my way through the corridors, knowing that everything will be okay if I just get to the center. Along the way, I run into Elaine. She says, she needs my help at dawn on the beach. I nod and say I’ll be there. There’s heaps of time til then, so I decide to explore the hotel. I end up sitting with a beautiful blonde man. He’s watching a show. We play games and I think he’s really cool. Then suddenly, I hear my parents calling and I run out without saying goodbye. My parents put me in a car and start to drive away. I remember my promise to Elaine and jump out of the moving vehicle.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think this dream is about moving forward instead of back. I’m finding my way towards a new way of being, but in that process, I’m in transition [hotel] and things feel uncertain and uncomfortable. I have friends who are helping me along the way [Elaine and the blonde man], but my past sometimes pull me back [my parents]. At first, I let myself revert back to the old ways [I get in the car], but then I realize what I’m doing and choose the new way [I jump out of the car].

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