Dream 30/12/2016

I’m in some kind of apprenticeship program with a group of other people. The boss decides to fire us all at once. We get told via these insane letters in boxes. At the job, there was nothing to learn, no skill to master, no way of knowing the expectations. None of us knew what our job was supposed to be, let alone why we were being fired from it. We were all going through some kind of debrief when I realized, “Just ask!” So jumped up and ran out of the classroom. I noticed that I was wearing one running shoe and one black boot. The other boot was laying in the middle of field outside the classroom. I went to get the boot. While I was putting it on, the other people in my class ran past me. They realized why I left and they wanted to be the first to ask the boss. They get to the head honcho. He looks like a complete asshole. He’s incredibly rich and I’m convinced he doesn’t care about people. My classmates ask for their jobs back and he says “I thought you’d never ask.” I get my job back too, but I’m resentful. Asking had been my idea and I didn’t get any recognition for it. We all go back to work. We’re sitting in front of the computers when a guy sitting next to me leans over and says, “You’re not going to make it.” I get really angry and I storm out yelling, “You don’t know me!” I head for the bus stop. My watch says 9:30 pm and I freak out. Have I really been working that long? When I get to the bus stop, however, it turns out it’s only 5:30 pm. I feel relieved. I’m waiting for the bus when someone comes to get me saying it’s time for a test. I follow them back to work. We go into some kind of mansion with lots of rooms and get told that each room holds a clue and we have to solve the puzzle. Again, we have no other information. The others head for the obvious rooms, but I see what looks like a wall to ceiling freezer door. It takes me awhile to figure out how to open it. Success! Then, I’m inside and I start looking around. I have no ideas what’s useful and what’s not. I see animal shaped ice cube molds and wonder if they mean something. Meanwhile, someone else cracks a different room. Suddenly, I bite down and one of teeth cracks and bursts out of my mouth. It falls onto the ground and I stare at it before collecting all the pieces and hiding them. A girl convinces me I should try another room. I follow her. The others have managed to open a door that goes to a golden inlaid spa facility, but no one in the spa is relaxed. We check it out, but we get told not to touch anything. We decide to head back. On the way, we get stopped by 3 ladies at tea. They talk to us and suddenly another tooth (a molar) shatters in my mouth and falls all over the floor. I’m mortified. I bend down to pick up the pieces. The tooth looks all spongy and grey on the inside. I wonder if it’s rotten and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

**From Dream Dictionary – “Dreams of broken/chipped teeth suggest the character to be poor, uneducated or dumb”

To be honest, those are my childhood fears of how I would be seen. I’ve been reading a lot recently about changing how you learn and becoming more innovative. I’ve also been wondering why I spend so much time in front of the TV instead of doing things I love. I guess there’s a few weird beliefs about learning and doing things that I need to look at reassess. I’m afraid of people seeing or thinking of me as being less than capable. Literally, the foundations of how I was taught to learn were rotten. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t bite down and digest new experiences because a) I always compare myself to other people, b) I’m worried about how society [the boss and the ladies at tea] will see me, and c) I need be the best in order to feel adequate. Basically, I think this dream is about my insecurities.

Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

An Ancestral Drama

Dream Series: 7/8/2016

Dream 1

Me and 3 people are part of a diving competition. We go to the pool to practice. I’m okay at it, but not great. My lady partner is great, but has horrible anxiety. My male partner just can’t dive. Our team is allowed to enter 2 people. When we get home, the family is talking about how it should be the two women. My anxious partner tries to convince me I should go with the man instead. I tell her I can’t. It took him 30 minutes just to do one dive. The judges won’t stand for that. I’m not worried about any of it. I’m not a great diver, but I’m also not worried about whether we win or lose. We all have dinner with the family. I get the feeling it really matters to them, but no one will tell me why. There’s a big family secret there.

Dream 2

I’m married to my cousin, Rachel. She’s pregnant, but it’s not mine. Her lover is at the family party and she keeps going to him. I sit with her mother, who disapproves. I tell her that I’ll divorce Rachel or I’ll get an annulment as soon as she asks. Her mother wants to say something, but the couple are right behind her and she stops. I’m confused on why Rachel married me in the first place. The entire family is talking about how her lover treats her right by putting her on a pedestal and doing all the work. Her mom says that Rachel does 1/5 less than she used to. I’m not at all embarrassed or sad. My family can think what they like. What Rachel does has nothing to do with me. She doesn’t speak to me at all any more.

Note: I had this dream after receiving and sleeping with my yoni egg.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream series is all about ancestral patterns and family secrets, particularly around gender issues and relationships. I think the second dream is about an ancestral drama.  Maybe one of my ancestors fell pregnant and married someone else for security? My family has very strict, traditional views about relationships. Whoever she was, she wouldn’t have been treated very well if she followed her heart.

These dreams bring up a whole bunch of ingrained beliefs that need to be brought into the light and questioned. Like for example, what does it mean to be in a relationship? To be faithful? To have children? What does marriage mean to me? Do I value it or would I shatter it if I felt betrayed or uncertain of my partner’s feelings? These are all questions that every adult has to answer at one point or another, but I think it’s harder to do that when you know your family will disapprove unless you “toe the party line”. Still, it has to be done. This is my life and I have to live it according to what I believe not what I’ve been told to believe.

 

Stuck in School

Dream: 30/7/2016

I’m in some sort of school. We go to class on a giant bus with rows of seats stacked on either side like an auditorium. There’s a physically disabled kid that I’m friends with and try to help. Everything I do seem to make things worse though. I think it will be helpful, but it’s not. In the end, I give up and sit down. I don’t like the teacher. I’m bored. I run my tongue over my teeth and realize that one is going to fall out. I tug at it, and it falls into pieces in my palm. They’re rotten to the core. I freak out and run to the bathroom. When I look in the mirror, I see all my teeth are there. They are perfect, but when I feel the area with my tongue there’s a gap. It worries me. I go back to class. Channing Tatum is there, but he’s leaving. He talks about how acting frees the soul and school is a waste of time. I deride him, not because I think he’s wrong, but because I know he’s right but I don’t want to get in trouble

Meaning/Thoughts

This reminds me of the dream I wrote about in Done with School. In that dream, I’m completely ready to leave school and I stand up to the teachers. In this dream, I’m ready to leave school, but I’m still afraid of the teachers and the power they have over me. I’m conflicted. I feel like my education closed off certain parts of me [represented by the disabled child], and that no matter what I do, I still can’t seem to access them. I’m bored with the status quo and I want things to change, but something holds me back. I see lots of other people moving forward and living their dreams and instead of being supportive, I’m jealous. I guess there’s still a big part of me that’s afraid.

Body Image Issues

Dream 18/7/2016

I’m at my father’s birthday party. There is a man there that I find extremely attractive. I’d be happy if he even talked to me. I’m helping prepare everything and I feel really good. Then I walk up to dad to say happy birthday. The attractive man is standing there. He smiles and says, “Hi Miss Howe. Are you pregnant? How’s the baby?” My dad jumps up and says, “Yes, she is!” He doesn’t want the man to realize that no, I’m just fat. I feel angry and humiliated. I turn to the guy and say, “No, I’m not pregnant.” Then I turn to my dad and say, “And don’t lie to people to save face about me being fat. Tell anyone else I’m pregnant and I’ll kill you myself.” He sits down in a glass booth. I can tell he’s upset. I don’t care. When the guy spoke to me, I was on my way to get a glass of water. It’s in my hand. I throw it into the sink and it shatters. My sisters eye me questioningly. I start walking back to the house, thinking I will play video games and hide. Then I think, fuck this. I decide to go to the beach instead. I walk down a path and am there in minutes. Before the beach, there is a river with a dock and a row a trees. A man is taking a group of children for a swim up the river. It is shallow and they are having a great time. I get in and start swimming with them. No one says anything. Eventually they make their way to the beach. I get out and go with them. I stare at the trees. They glitch like they aren’t real. I can see a pattern of 6 dots in the shape of a pyramid on the trunk of one of the trees. I go back to playing with the kids. The guy in charge of the them is really cool. A little girl says something to me and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is definitely a dream about body image issues and shame. When I was younger, my mother made me feel that I was never pretty enough. I wasn’t thin enough. My hair was never straight enough. I never dressed correctly. She believed that women’s value came from being beautiful, and since I wasn’t a great beauty according to her standards, I didn’t have value. It’s strange, but in her world (and I suspect many women’s worlds) the ultimate approval a woman can receive is a man’s attention, his sexual favor. In the dream, I feel excited that there is an eligible man present, but it all turns to dust when my body size becomes the focus. I feel ashamed for being who I am, having the body I have. Then I feel enraged. I let the rage out [I yell at dad and break a glass], but afterwards I feel lost. These ideas are so ingrained in everyone present that I don’t know how to deal with the situation. So I leave the party and I regress back into being a child. Except I’m no longer a child, I’m an adult.  Although playing the child might comfort me, it’s not real [the trees glitch]. At some point, I have to learn to confront people and their beliefs, how to set and maintain my boundaries without losing my temper. It’s time to grow up.

Done with School

I am reading Deschooling Society. It reminds me of a dream I had a few months ago. In the dream, I’m at All Hallows, a Catholic school I used to attend. All the students are out in the yard. It’s like a giant PE class. I feel like the teachers are mistreating the students. I’m really annoyed. Suddenly, I remember that I have a PhD. I stand up, yelling “I have a PhD! I’m done with this stuff, done with school. DONE!” My PhD advisor is there. She and a few of the teachers try to convince me to stay, but I’m adamant. I know it isn’t the place for me anymore. As I walk out, I notice that my advisor is crying tears of joy.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’m going to be completely honest. I have a really negative opinion of traditional western schooling. I think it kills creativity and originality and is basically a system for indoctrinating western social values into the masses. There’s a great Ted talk about how school kills creativity and all kinds of fabulous books and blogs on the subject. At the same time, I consider being educated an absolute blessing that completely shaped my life. I think this dream is about me finally breaking away from my western values and learning to think for myself. I’m done with learning what other people think is important. I’m ready to find out what’s important to me and to formulate my own opinions.

Gypsy Circus in the Desert

Dream 17/7/2016

I’m attending a gypsy circus. The landscape is really dusty and desert like. My sister, Jaime, and her son are there. The kid keeps pushing open the metal gates that stand between the audience and the show. Jaime keeps picking him up and closing the gates. Then, he opens them when a tiger is pacing back and forth. My inner rescuer kicks in. I grab him and think angrily that someone should padlock the gate during shows.

Thoughts/Meaning

Children (my inner child?) can expose what we believe to be the most dangerous part of ourselves [the tiger]. They aren’t confined by the societal rules and regulations [the gates]. Instead, they are true explorers, open to the possibilities. My child is trying to open the gate within me, to help me have new experiences [the gypsy circus], but I keep shutting them because I’m afraid [wandering in the desert].

I had this dream right after watching The Legend of Tarzan for the 2nd time.  The whole story of Tarzan is about man’s connection to his inner nature, which Western society sees as wild and uncontrollable and therefore unacceptable. They literally beat him and break him down so that he can ‘civilized’. I guess there’s a part of me that worries that if I truly connect with my instinctual self and Mother Earth that I will become too wild, too unacceptable. There is a part of me that wishes I was happy just being ‘normal’. That part of me wants what my sisters have: a family, a house, children, etc… For many years, I’ve made that part of me out to be weak and easily controlled, but what if it’s not? What if it’s natural? Maybe it’s time to venerate the different aspects of myself. To honor the part of me that wants to experience and grow and serve and teach, and to honor the part of me that wants to have the simple joys and pleasures of a normal life. Both are parts of me. I thought for a long time that one excluded the other, but they don’t. I can have both, be both.

Into the Mall

Dream 5/7/2016

I’m with James. We really need to get into the mall. We see a door cracked open. It goes into a clothing store. We go inside. I look at some really weird sweaters, but I know I’m not going to buy anything. We only used it as a way in. The lady who runs the store knows, but she doesn’t seem to mind. We exit the shop and head into the mall. James goes to the help desk. He’s searching for something. I want to return a candle, but while he’s talking, I play with it, ripping off the label and lighting the wick. When he comes back, I realize I can’t return it now. I spend a second trying to put the label back on but eventually give up. I wonder if I’m meant to have the candle. I notice that there’s another label under the one I tore off. It shows people in prison bars. I keep trying to match the windows up on the labels, trying to free the people but it doesn’t work.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what this dream means, if it means anything at all. It’s weird that the candle (which normally represents light) is connected to being in prison (which represents the punishment for falling into darkness by breaking society’s rules). There’s also definitely something about societal expectations [the mall].

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