Needle Jabbed by a Child

Meditation 30/11/2016

I was doing another LightBody meditation. In the middle, I started to feel really self-recriminatory. I had a vision where a priest and a young boy were in the room with me. It felt like they were both different aspects of me. I tried to convince the boy that he didn’t need to be afraid. I was tempted to punch the priest, but remembered to send love instead. The boy agreed with me, but then he jabbed a needle into my neck. I ignored it and someone nearby (a guide?) pulled it out.

The Burning Tree

Meditation: 29/11/2016

I was listening to a LightBody meditation, when I realized that I often resist moving into really blissful, flowing states of consciousness. Whenever I start to feel “too good”, there is a part of me that gets scared and shuts everything down. That part of me believes I don’t deserve to feel good and that I will be punished for trying to experience something I don’t deserve. It’s definitely related to some old religious conditioning. Gee thanks Catholic school! Anyways… Near the end of the meditation, I got an image of myself floating on my back above a single perfectly round tree in the middle of a massive green field. While I’m floating, someone (me?) sets the tree on fire and my body gets burned. It burns into ashes, which are carried away by the wind.

Thoughts/Meaning

Given that I was dealing with some old religious conditioning, the symbol of a burning bush is pretty dramatic. It was after all the way God spoke to Moses (from Exodus: “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”). Interestingly, my burning tree destroys me completely. Maybe that’s my real fear, that if I did come into contact with God there would be nothing left of me. I would just burn up and be destroyed.

3 A.M. Thought #8

Beliefs I have held about being lovable:

  • I must be beautiful
  • I must earn it
  • I must conform
  • Someone has to need me
  • I have to be productive
  • I’m too smart. Men only love dumb women
  • I’m not good enough
  • No one loves me because I’m evil/bad
  • If someone love’s me it’s because they don’t know the real me
  • I’m a woman, God doesn’t love women as much as he loves men

Most of these are obviously societal or religious beliefs. Some are from my family system. All of them are detrimental to me and my life. I choose to let these beliefs go.

The Zombie Within

Dream 30/6/2016

I feel like the whole world is contaminated, like I’m contaminated. There is a part of me that’s very zombie-like, all death and destruction. I don’t want to let it out. Elaine is describing herself. She says she’s got 3 people inside her: Joseph, the zombie, and a 12 year old girl. The 12 year old isn’t aware enough to be useful, so Elaine operates out of Joseph.

Thoughts/Meaning

I used to have a terrible fear about contamination and being contaminated. I think it stems from growing up Catholic and going to a religious school. The Catholic religion believes that the devil is always there, waiting to tempt you, and bring you down. I wonder how many more people would experience their extrasensory abilities if they didn’t have the belief of the devil hanging over them. Modern psychology isn’t much better than religion in that area. Freud may have done away with the idea of external demons, but he created the idea of the subconscious and its animalistic drives. I think that’s what my zombie dreams are really about. I split out all the parts of me that frighten me and aren’t acceptable, and they emerge in my dreams as something scary and destructive. I know I’m not the only that feels split. I think that’s what Elaine represents in the dream. We all split ourselves into pieces and only show the side of ourselves that we think is acceptable to others. What if we didn’t need to do that? What if every part of us was allowed? That kind of radical acceptance is required for real healing. I know that. I’ve experienced that. So I guess the message of the dream is this: Stop worrying about being contaminated. You already are (because all those things you’re afraid of are inside of you) and it’s okay.

The Man Inside My Head

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m sitting near a window at night with a friend, chatting about life, having a laugh. Suddenly, I realize that a man is staring in at us from the dark outside. His face is conveyed by a black, almost featureless mask that is terrifying when the light catches it. I yell at him, but he doesn’t go away. Says he’s just watching. Creep! I close the blinds, but he sticks his face in through them. I punch him with the end of a pole and he stumbles back. Then I close the curtains and my friend and I continue. The next night, I sit by another window. I am visiting someone else and the man is there peering in. I realize that he is watching me all the time and that there is nothing I can do. I wake up terrified and disturbed.

Meaning/Thoughts

The man is the personification of the patriarchal values that come from my cultural conditioning and live deeply entwined with my thoughts. I guess if you’re a western woman exposed to Christianity, you end up with a controlling man inside your head.

A Tapeworm, A Boat Ride, and A Carnival

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

Dream 1

I’m in a medical exam room. There’s a guy on the table but they don’t know what’s wrong with him. The doctor tells him to throw up. He ends up pulling a giant tapeworm out of the guy’s mouth. There’s a little girl in the room who’s curious. She asks her mom something and the mom completely over-reacts. The mom grabs a piece of the tapeworm and rubs it all over the girl’s face. The girl starts to cry and the mom looks pleased. I’m standing there wondering what’s wrong with her.

Dream 2

Malcolm, Lana and I are going jet boating, but we’re running late. Everyone is on the boat and it leaves without us. A lady on the boat gets it to stop, and I manage to swing myself from the dock into the back of the boat. Malcolm can’t make it though. He’s too big. The boat ride is super jerky, and I don’t particularly enjoy it. 

Dream 3

A group of us get dropped off on an island that used to be a theme park. It clearly hasn’t operated in years. A guide emerges and says to break up in groups and enter through the stalls. He goes in one and it falls apart. It’s empty. The others begin sinking into the ground. My team gets in one and it lets us out in front of an old decrepit house. We find a card that say “find where they heal people”. We begin searching. I find myself paralyzed in the foyer. To the left, I can see a dinghy corridor which is blocked off by hundreds of gravestones in the form of crosses. Then I notice a staircase. I go up the stairs, but first I have to climb through a window shaped like a vagina. Upstairs is a liquor store. I think they probably used the room as a healing space before it was covered in booze. 

Thoughts/Meaning 

The first dream is definitely about power/control and feeling contaminated [the tapeworm] by family patterns. The second one is about trying really hard to fit in [getting on the jetboat] but realizing it’s not worth it because I’m just along for the ride and I’m not really living. The third one is more complicated. I think it represents all the things that stand in the way of me becoming myself. The theme park represents social conditioning. The crosses represent religious conditioning. The vagina shaped window represents issues with sex and sexuality. And behind all of that, at the very center, is addiction [the liquor store]. My family line is riddled with it, particularly alcoholism and gambling. But even in the dream, it’s clear that underneath all of those beliefs and issues, the potential for healing exists. 

All Hallows

Dream: Undated sometime in mid-2014

I am back at All Hallows, the Catholic K-8 school that I attended for 9 years of my life. This time, however, I’m a substitute teacher. Everything is covered in snow and once you leave the edge of the school grounds you walk directly into whiteout and have to turn back. One side of the building looks like a prison tower. I don’t like the way teach here, erasing things to “make them better”. There is a painting where the artists has put red on the person’s forehead. It looks like blood, so during a meeting the teachers decide to quickly paint over it. There’s a classroom of 1-3 year olds present and they look okay. It’s being run by a young woman and the kids were filled joy because she was reading Cat in the Hat. But all the other classrooms felt menacing. I found a way to get to the back of the school and it was full of fairground food stalls covered in advertising. It was almost like the school was a machine meant to make you believe certain things and to make you afraid of thinking differently. I keep looking for a way out of the school, but all routes lead back to it or into the whiteout. Everything is really dangerous and slippery as though you’re meant to hurt yourself.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream disturbed me so much at the time that I immediately scheduled a healing session. It’s obvious that a part of me [child self] was stuck, frozen in that period of my life [the snow] and unable to find a way out [the white out]. The school was strict Catholic, taught by nuns and heavily invested in indoctrinating the students with religious conditioning [advertising behind the school]. It literally felt like a prison camp. The painting is interesting. The healer I went to see pointed out that blood represents life-force, so in a way the teachers were  trying to dampen down the life-force of their charges. In the healing, we did some inner child work where we went back into those memories and found the various pieces of me that were stuck in each classroom. Each classroom represented a grade. I think we did about 5 of them before the whole scene shifted and filled with light. In the beginning, the healer said she could see the shadows of the horrible nuns standing over me, tormenting me. By the end, she said they were gone and I felt a tremendous sense of lightness afterwards.

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