Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Worried About Mom’s Opinion

Dream: 22/11/2016

I won an award, a big one to do with school. The event is tonight, and I know I need to go home and get ready. I’m leaving campus (at the Auckland Domain) so I call an Uber. It drives right past me. The driver calls, and I try to explain where I am. He can’t seem to understand. I end up having to walk. When I finally get home (to my childhood home on Oak Knoll), I have only 15 minutes before I have to turn around and leave again. I jump in the shower. Mom has picked out the shampoo and conditioner. I know I don’t have time to blow dry my hair and that she’ll be pissed, but there’s nothing to be done. I get out of the shower and start to look for something to wear. For some reason, there is luggage everywhere! There are lots of lots of hiking packs. I know what I want isn’t in the packs, but I can’t stop fussing with them. Finally, I decide to go back to the bedroom. I go into my underwear drawer, looking for a bra, but every one I grab is completely f*d up. Sitting in the drawer are all these weird wooden masks with gold dots on them. They make me feel really pissed off. I go looking for some socks, knowing I want to wear black ones.  I can’t find anything but the nude socks that mom likes. I’m really angry now. I’m already 1/2 hour late to the event. I go into my sisters’ closet. They have a bunch of colorful maxi dresses with designs. I decide on a blue one, hoping it won’t make me look fat.  I take it back to my bedroom. I hear the speakers calling out the names of the awardees. I realize that because I’ve been so worries about mom and what she’ll think, I’ve missed the whole thing. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Definitely need to stop worrying so much about what my family thinks/wants and start living for me. I’m missing out on life because there’s a part of me that still wants to win their approval.

Behind the Attraction

Dream: 13/9/2016

I’m back in high school, sitting in the bleachers. My eldest sister introduces me to a guy that she likes, then goes off with her friends to perform. The guy and I start talking. He’s blond and rather old. His face is craggy. He wears a baseball cap. Something about him is magnetic. I can tell he’s slept with my sister but he doesn’t actually like her. I have to do a medical school thing. Before I go, I tell the guy that Jamie’s British friend who he’s been oggling is not available. He looks at me, surprised that I can read him. I can tell that he likes me. He tells me to go do my thing and then come find him. I notice that he’s incredibly tall. I go to the open area nearby where the medical teachers are getting people to look into microscopes (periscopes?). They’re made for tall people, and I have to stand on my tippy toes to see through the lens. When I look, I see nothing but a girl on the other side of the field. I yawn. This class will be boring. I ask the teacher when the lecture will be and she looks at me blankly. “Just follow me…” she says. I shake my head. I go over to another teacher.  “It’s so….dear, I don’t know…” Now I’m annoyed. I want to go back and see the guy! Finally, I run into a teacher who asks me if I’m hormonal. I say, “No, I’m just stressed because I want to do good in this class.” I’m walking with her. She walks down some metal stairs and starts reciting a riddle and about wheat and nuts. We go to the bottom and I say chaff because I think that’s a what a bundle of wheat is called. She smiles and claps her hands and says, “You’ll do fine!” She tells me where the lecture will be held and when. I leave her. I run back to the quad, but I run into a lot of blocks. There are people blocking the stairs. There are scores of people trying to get through the gate. Twice people think I’m someone else. I notice that if it’s a guy, I’m immediately excited. I’ve been starved for male attention and affection. Eventually, I find him. He smiles at me. We walk to an area that’s quieter. It’s so easy to talk to him! And he likes me! Upon a bridge in the distance, we see 4 giant dobermans walking along. The bridge is super high and they’re so big that they block the cars. I point at them. The guy nods, then looks at me and pulls me into his arms. “Do you have a boyfriend?” He asks. My hands are on his lower stomach, which is slightly distended in a lump. I push away. “Yes,” I say. “You’re being stupid,” he says, “being with someone like that.” He tells me how James can’t give me what I want, etc… I realize how ugly this man actually is. I wake up.

Note: I had this dream after spending lots of time rubbing my abdomen and wondering why I sometimes look and walk like I’m pregnant.

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