Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Some People Want to Stay Cursed

Dream: 10/11/2016

It’s me and a woman. We’re each holding our energy. The woman has me on a power spot and is trying to change my energy dark. I know it’s because of a certain artifact. I call for James. He grabs the artifact and I tell him to get away. As he moves away, the woman’s power lessens, but she knows what I’m doing and manipulates him to come back. Each time, I manage to break her hold on him and every time he gets a little further away. The last time, she loses all her power and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream happened the night after a session I did where the woman didn’t want to work with me. I thought it was because she was afraid of what would come up, but later I realized that she was just so deeply invested in her issues that she doesn’t actually want healing. She pretends to want to change because she knows every one expects her to, but she herself isn’t actually interested in working out her issues. She’s happy being reactive and attacking. I woke up from this dream feeling really calm, but with a sense that  I needed to remember this and write it down. There’s no fear or worry, just an awareness that it means something important. When I debriefed about the session with a friend of mine, she mentioned that I’m well protected. I know that. We all are. I give thanks for that. But it’s interesting… In the dream, I wanted to break the spell on the woman not only for me but for her so she could be free. Only it turns out she wants the curse because it makes her feel powerful, and in that case there is nothing I can do.

I Blow Up at George Clooney

Dream: 8/8/2016

I’m a child (10-11 years old). I’m working in some kind of lab. I love my boss, but he’s very secretive. One day, I go to work and find the entrance (which looks like a well) surrounded by men in black suits. Seeing that I’m going somewhere, they start to question me. I make up a story and lie through my teeth. I know my boss is in the lab, but I also know they can’t get him if I don’t say anything. Eventually, they leave me alone. I wait next to the entrance for hours, but my boss never comes out. I decide to go home. On the way home, a car picks me up. My boss is in the car, along with a team of people. Everyone is dressed in black. They’re going to unmask the criminals (George Clooney and Julia Roberts). Except, just as we’re on our way, the building next to us goes up in fiery flame. The car is rocked. I get out. It’s smoky. I go to a nearby door. There’s an elevator. I get in and go to level 5.  As soon as I hit the number, the elevator goes up so fast that I float for several seconds before landing on my feet. I walk out and I’m at an extravagant restaurant. I walk over to a waiter, who eyes me questioningly. I tell him I’d like to look around. He seems to understand my predicament and points to a nearby stairway. I go down and am in a room with beautiful porcelain hanging on all of the walls and sitting in the cabinets. The lights are soft. I go to look in a cabinet when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see George Clooney and Julia Roberts heading for dinner. I duck my head down, hoping they won’t recognize me. They swoosh past. I follow them. At the restaurant, I see my Aunt Debbie. She’s dressed up really fancy. She’s surprised to see me, but invites me to join her for dinner. I mistake Colin Wilson for her husband. My aunt steers me towards our real table. George Clooney is giving a speech. I can’t take it any more. I boil over and stand up, calling him a liar. Everyone looks at me waiting for proof. I start talking about an English newspaper article regarding his maid which he had buried. My evidence is flimsy and people start to get up and walk about. George Clooney smirks at me. I’m only a child after all, easily discredited. Later, I’m in a room surrounded by paper. I’m sitting with a jury from the department of justice, trying to convince them to let me look at their records. Like the others, they deny me, but I’m not deterred. I know I’m right!

Meaning/Thoughts

I think that George Clooney and Julia Roberts represent my parents. When I was a kid, I felt that they were hiding something vital. Later when I was a teenager, they revealed that my eldest sister was only a 1/2 sister and that we had another 1/2 sister who lived with her mother. I’ve often felt that all the secrets made our family dynamics really toxic. As a child, I protected my family. I lied to keep up appearance, like they taught me to. In the dream, I lied to the men to protect the lab. But secrets always have a way of catching up with people [the nearby building blows up]. Eventually I have to stand up for the truth [I call George Clooney a liar]. Only, I have no proof. I have only my memories, which no one believes. I feel like I’m on trial [the jury from the department of justice]. People know things, but they won’t reveal them [they won’t let me see the records]. Everyone is in denial about the family dynamics except me. I guess that’s because everyone else has something to gain from things staying the same.

Don’t Trust the Ring Leader

Dream 14/7/2016

I am part of a kidnapping plot. We’re in an old warehouse. There are 3 of us. Our ring leader is a smart man, but he can be very moody. We’ve kidnapped my mother and a little girl. They beg us to let them go, but we won’t. I believe we’re doing it for a good cause. Then it comes on the radio that a female author who writes crime novels has been getting her stories from a real-life criminal. Turns out its our ring leader. I feel betrayed. He says that he’ll help us let the hostages go. He has a silent alarm that he can trigger. It will go off in an hour, giving us time to get organized and cleaned up. Me and the other guy notice that the ring leader has bags and bags of uncooked pasta. He planned to be here for a long time. Whatever was happening wasn’t what he expected. I look around and realize that there’s no way I can clean up all my fingerprints and get away without getting caught. I wonder why I ever trusted the ring leader to begin with. I beg him to them go. I’m sure he plans to kill them.

 

Dark Shapes

Dream 9/7/2016

I’m in some kind of lab. I’m on an escalator. For some reason, I miss the get off point and the escalator carries me down into the dark basement. I’m going to be chopped by the blades. I take my socks off and stuff them into the gears. The escalator stops. I look around, wondering if there’s a phone. I decide I don’t want to stay in the basement a second longer and climb back up the escalator. When I get back to the top, I see a lab tech carrying tons of stuff. I think, “Cool, I’ll follow this guy and I can tell them about the broken escalator.” Only I realize he’s stealing the equipment and pawning it off. There’s a whole industry where people are buying stolen lab equipment, particularly safety glasses (the big ones that shield half your face). I decide to leave the building. I see my friends (two guys). They’re moving somewhere. They stick a recycling bin in the car and I know there is no where for us to sit. Suddenly, another car comes and we all pile in. They’re playing some kind of game, which is giving off dark shapes. They don’t believe it’s effecting other people until Anastasia and I say so. They keep playing. Suddenly, there are dark shapes everywhere. They’re getting at me, pulling at me. Someone wraps their arm around my head/neck. I bite at their arm. I know I can say no. I stop fighting and yell “NO! NO! NO!”, and somehow an invisible chain that was on my wrist breaks. I wake up.

Also, at some point in this dream, I’m sitting with two old ladies. I know there are socks in a nearby drawer. I get up and take them, putting them on. One of the women tells me I shouldn’t cover my feet. Her friend tells her to leave me alone. My feet are my feet!

The Dangerous Parts

Dream Series: 1/7/2016

Dream 1

I have a dream that I can create anything I want instantly. The trouble is that different parts of me want different things. So whenever I make something, another aspect of me  unmakes it or destroys it. There are lots of parts of me that want to use alien technology and have ideas that futuristic. Interestingly, I see these parts of myself as sick and dangerous.

Dream 2

I’m in the car with Anastasia. She’s smoking. We’re talking about relationships. She really wants to see a movie but doesn’t know which one. I’m not fussed. All the movies seem the same. It’s pouring rain. I leave the car. When I get back, there’s a bum trying to talk to Anastasia. He looks really eccentric and dirty. When I go to get the car, he touches me and suddenly I feel like my face is magnetized to his chest. He’s enjoying my powerlessness. I use all of my will and manage to rip away. I’m worried my skin came off in the process. I get in the car and we drive away.

Thoughts/Meaning

There’s a lot of common themes between the first dream and the dream from the night before. Once again, I’m split inside. Parts of me want one thing but other parts of me sabotage it. And once again, I see certain parts of myself as dangerous. I’m definitely trying to work something out around that…

The second dream is really interesting. I’m sure I did actually meet Anastasia in the dream, but I feel the bum is a representation of a part of her. On the surface, she’s a nice person but underneath she’s incredibly manipulative. The dream is showing me that I’m getting pulled in and it makes me feel powerless.

I think these dreams are linked because in becoming aware of the parts of myself that I see as dangerous, I’m becoming more aware of the unconscious, dark parts of others.

 

 

Healing a Grudge

Meditation Upon Waking: 25/6/2016

Had a vivid dream, but couldn’t quite pull the memory to the surface. Got to thinking about Dianna (an ex-teacher who was invested in keeping me small). There is still a part of me sending mean thoughts her. I go to investigate. There is a part of me that is very “eye-for-an-eye”. I want to punish Dianna for what she did and how she hurt me. I talk to that part of myself. I tell her that nothing happens without our consent on some level and that she is using these past events to stay powerless. She says it’s still uncomfortable and painful. Something unravels and she lets go of her grudge against Dianna. There is a golden door that we pass through. On the other side is a meadow. A man is standing there. This part of me runs up and kisses him. He’s a version of my partner James, but stronger and more self-assured. He thanks me for bringing back his wife. Then he talks to me about my James. He says I need to honor James’s gentle, quietness because when I get extremely busy (which I will), this peace will be necessary.

I Can Protect Myself

Nightmare: Undated

I’m in a room with Salma Hayek. We’re talking and suddenly the conversation turns abusive. She begins verbally using me. Then I fall to the floor and she tries to physically abuse me. She’s yelling all kinds of things about dictators and power and Sydney. I keep trying to yell “STOP!”, but at first nothing comes out. I can’t make a sound. I have no voice. Then suddenly I can whisper it if I put the full force of my being behind it. I whisper it again and again and again. Every time I whisper it, it creates a force field around me that starts to drive her back. Still, she tries to get me. I keep holding her at bay and saying stop. My voice is getting louder and louder. Finally I wake up and yell “STOP!” at the top of my lungs. I see a spirit flung away from my body and then run out the door. Now that I’m awake, I know the spirit can’t hurt me. It doesn’t have any power over me any more.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is definitely about claiming my power back. It was more of an experience, than a dream. Some deep part of me got activated, and I felt SO strong when I yelled that final STOP! and flung the spirit off. The dream made me realize at an incredibly deep level, that I’m actually safe. I can protect myself, and I don’t need to be afraid.

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