The Little Boy and the Violent Man

Dream: 29/1/2017

I’m with an incredibly controlling, abusive man who gets me to do what he wants through threats and violence. I’m terrified of him and I conform, but I’m always looking for ways to escape. At some point, I find my way out into a room with a big piano. I drop the backpack I’m carrying and start banging on the piano keys, trying to attract attention. I hope someone will come. The violent man comes into the room. He’s prepared to be nice and he tries to sweet talk me. I can feel the fear getting the better of me. I’m terrified of him, but I would rather die than go back to the gilded cage. Suddenly, a little boy appears and demands to know why I haven’t treated his backpack better. I try to calm him, hoping the violent man won’t find out that the little boy gave me the backpack. The boy is really upset. He keeps talking about how he’s been really good to me. For some reason, I fly into a rage at his words and start screaming, “That’s not what you’re mad about!” The boy is just like the violent man. He’s super manipulative. He points out the positive things he does for me, thinking that will somehow make me forget all about the abuse. I’m disgusted that the boy and the man are the same. Suddenly, we are surrounded by women. They seem to come from everywhere. I feel relieved. I can’t get away from the man or the boy on my own. The women were attracted by the noise. Someone came. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I dreamed this after asking my divine self to show me why the ‘grass is always greener’ idea keeps coming up for me around careers (i.e. why when I just get going with something I always decide it’s not right and I don’t actually want it). It’s like a part of me want to go along with things in order to stay safe [the terrified woman at the beginning], but there’s another part of me that knows its not right and that I have to follow my own path [the woman who wants to escape]. So I always end up conflicted, pulled in two entirely different directions and never able to move forward. I think the abusive, controlling man represents how I view society (i.e. patriarchal and threatening). I feel pressured to conform in order to survive and yet I have an intense need to rebel at the same time. There’s no winning. I don’t know if there is a solution, but the dream seems to suggest that connecting with women and my own feminine nature is part of finding my way out of the conflict.

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Drowning in a Tunnel and Waiting in the Rain

Dream Series: 18/1/2017

Dream 1:

I’m at some kind of Seaworld Park. It’s owned by a friend of mine. He wants me to stay there. He assigns someone to show me to my room. We end up underwater in a tunnel with lots of doors. My guide points to a door (which I guess leads to my room) then swims out and locks the door to the tunnel. The tunnel is completely full of water. I try to open the door to my room but I can’t. I can’t open any of the doors. I start to panic. I’m drowning. Somehow I make it into one of the rooms at the last possible minute (or I drown? I’m not sure, the dream skips a bit here). Next thing I know I’m in the parking lot trying to get a ride away from the park. Finally an asian girl agrees to take me. I ask her if she’s a taxi driver. She says, “No, but I can smell your desperation. Get in!” I go with her. We end up on a beach having lots of fun. There’s a boat in the distance. I wonder if I should tell my friend where I am.

Dream 2:

I have a big test tomorrow in a subject I know nothing about. I’m walking along when suddenly I realize I’m supposed to meet my friend, Leanne. I call her. She asks where I am. I tell her at the cross road near One Tree Hill, a volcano in Auckland. It’s pouring so I head to the bus stop for shelter. There are lots of people at the bus stop and they all look so happy and care free. I’m pissed that I have a test tomorrow and can’t join them. Without thinking, I get on the bus when it comes. About a block later, I scream at the bus driver to stop and end up getting off in the middle of an intersection. I run back to the bus stop where I’m supposed to meet my friend. I wake up before she arrives.

Thoughts/Meaning

In both dreams, I’m powerless. I’m surrounded by water [emotions] and dependent on a friend to get me out of the situation. When I take things into my own hands [get on the bus], I end up needing to go back to where I started. That’s the way I behaved for most of my life. I followed other people’s rules. I controlled my impulses. I was “good”. Behaving that way kept me safe. At least, that’s what I told myself. Being a strong woman who makes her own decisions and trust herself completely…that fascinates me but also terrifies me.

Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Some People Want to Stay Cursed

Dream: 10/11/2016

It’s me and a woman. We’re each holding our energy. The woman has me on a power spot and is trying to change my energy dark. I know it’s because of a certain artifact. I call for James. He grabs the artifact and I tell him to get away. As he moves away, the woman’s power lessens, but she knows what I’m doing and manipulates him to come back. Each time, I manage to break her hold on him and every time he gets a little further away. The last time, she loses all her power and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream happened the night after a session I did where the woman didn’t want to work with me. I thought it was because she was afraid of what would come up, but later I realized that she was just so deeply invested in her issues that she doesn’t actually want healing. She pretends to want to change because she knows every one expects her to, but she herself isn’t actually interested in working out her issues. She’s happy being reactive and attacking. I woke up from this dream feeling really calm, but with a sense that  I needed to remember this and write it down. There’s no fear or worry, just an awareness that it means something important. When I debriefed about the session with a friend of mine, she mentioned that I’m well protected. I know that. We all are. I give thanks for that. But it’s interesting… In the dream, I wanted to break the spell on the woman not only for me but for her so she could be free. Only it turns out she wants the curse because it makes her feel powerful, and in that case there is nothing I can do.

I Blow Up at George Clooney

Dream: 8/8/2016

I’m a child (10-11 years old). I’m working in some kind of lab. I love my boss, but he’s very secretive. One day, I go to work and find the entrance (which looks like a well) surrounded by men in black suits. Seeing that I’m going somewhere, they start to question me. I make up a story and lie through my teeth. I know my boss is in the lab, but I also know they can’t get him if I don’t say anything. Eventually, they leave me alone. I wait next to the entrance for hours, but my boss never comes out. I decide to go home. On the way home, a car picks me up. My boss is in the car, along with a team of people. Everyone is dressed in black. They’re going to unmask the criminals (George Clooney and Julia Roberts). Except, just as we’re on our way, the building next to us goes up in fiery flame. The car is rocked. I get out. It’s smoky. I go to a nearby door. There’s an elevator. I get in and go to level 5.  As soon as I hit the number, the elevator goes up so fast that I float for several seconds before landing on my feet. I walk out and I’m at an extravagant restaurant. I walk over to a waiter, who eyes me questioningly. I tell him I’d like to look around. He seems to understand my predicament and points to a nearby stairway. I go down and am in a room with beautiful porcelain hanging on all of the walls and sitting in the cabinets. The lights are soft. I go to look in a cabinet when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see George Clooney and Julia Roberts heading for dinner. I duck my head down, hoping they won’t recognize me. They swoosh past. I follow them. At the restaurant, I see my Aunt Debbie. She’s dressed up really fancy. She’s surprised to see me, but invites me to join her for dinner. I mistake Colin Wilson for her husband. My aunt steers me towards our real table. George Clooney is giving a speech. I can’t take it any more. I boil over and stand up, calling him a liar. Everyone looks at me waiting for proof. I start talking about an English newspaper article regarding his maid which he had buried. My evidence is flimsy and people start to get up and walk about. George Clooney smirks at me. I’m only a child after all, easily discredited. Later, I’m in a room surrounded by paper. I’m sitting with a jury from the department of justice, trying to convince them to let me look at their records. Like the others, they deny me, but I’m not deterred. I know I’m right!

Meaning/Thoughts

I think that George Clooney and Julia Roberts represent my parents. When I was a kid, I felt that they were hiding something vital. Later when I was a teenager, they revealed that my eldest sister was only a 1/2 sister and that we had another 1/2 sister who lived with her mother. I’ve often felt that all the secrets made our family dynamics really toxic. As a child, I protected my family. I lied to keep up appearance, like they taught me to. In the dream, I lied to the men to protect the lab. But secrets always have a way of catching up with people [the nearby building blows up]. Eventually I have to stand up for the truth [I call George Clooney a liar]. Only, I have no proof. I have only my memories, which no one believes. I feel like I’m on trial [the jury from the department of justice]. People know things, but they won’t reveal them [they won’t let me see the records]. Everyone is in denial about the family dynamics except me. I guess that’s because everyone else has something to gain from things staying the same.

Don’t Trust the Ring Leader

Dream 14/7/2016

I am part of a kidnapping plot. We’re in an old warehouse. There are 3 of us. Our ring leader is a smart man, but he can be very moody. We’ve kidnapped my mother and a little girl. They beg us to let them go, but we won’t. I believe we’re doing it for a good cause. Then it comes on the radio that a female author who writes crime novels has been getting her stories from a real-life criminal. Turns out its our ring leader. I feel betrayed. He says that he’ll help us let the hostages go. He has a silent alarm that he can trigger. It will go off in an hour, giving us time to get organized and cleaned up. Me and the other guy notice that the ring leader has bags and bags of uncooked pasta. He planned to be here for a long time. Whatever was happening wasn’t what he expected. I look around and realize that there’s no way I can clean up all my fingerprints and get away without getting caught. I wonder why I ever trusted the ring leader to begin with. I beg him to them go. I’m sure he plans to kill them.

 

Dark Shapes

Dream 9/7/2016

I’m in some kind of lab. I’m on an escalator. For some reason, I miss the get off point and the escalator carries me down into the dark basement. I’m going to be chopped by the blades. I take my socks off and stuff them into the gears. The escalator stops. I look around, wondering if there’s a phone. I decide I don’t want to stay in the basement a second longer and climb back up the escalator. When I get back to the top, I see a lab tech carrying tons of stuff. I think, “Cool, I’ll follow this guy and I can tell them about the broken escalator.” Only I realize he’s stealing the equipment and pawning it off. There’s a whole industry where people are buying stolen lab equipment, particularly safety glasses (the big ones that shield half your face). I decide to leave the building. I see my friends (two guys). They’re moving somewhere. They stick a recycling bin in the car and I know there is no where for us to sit. Suddenly, another car comes and we all pile in. They’re playing some kind of game, which is giving off dark shapes. They don’t believe it’s effecting other people until Anastasia and I say so. They keep playing. Suddenly, there are dark shapes everywhere. They’re getting at me, pulling at me. Someone wraps their arm around my head/neck. I bite at their arm. I know I can say no. I stop fighting and yell “NO! NO! NO!”, and somehow an invisible chain that was on my wrist breaks. I wake up.

Also, at some point in this dream, I’m sitting with two old ladies. I know there are socks in a nearby drawer. I get up and take them, putting them on. One of the women tells me I shouldn’t cover my feet. Her friend tells her to leave me alone. My feet are my feet!

The Dangerous Parts

Dream Series: 1/7/2016

Dream 1

I have a dream that I can create anything I want instantly. The trouble is that different parts of me want different things. So whenever I make something, another aspect of me  unmakes it or destroys it. There are lots of parts of me that want to use alien technology and have ideas that futuristic. Interestingly, I see these parts of myself as sick and dangerous.

Dream 2

I’m in the car with Anastasia. She’s smoking. We’re talking about relationships. She really wants to see a movie but doesn’t know which one. I’m not fussed. All the movies seem the same. It’s pouring rain. I leave the car. When I get back, there’s a bum trying to talk to Anastasia. He looks really eccentric and dirty. When I go to get the car, he touches me and suddenly I feel like my face is magnetized to his chest. He’s enjoying my powerlessness. I use all of my will and manage to rip away. I’m worried my skin came off in the process. I get in the car and we drive away.

Thoughts/Meaning

There’s a lot of common themes between the first dream and the dream from the night before. Once again, I’m split inside. Parts of me want one thing but other parts of me sabotage it. And once again, I see certain parts of myself as dangerous. I’m definitely trying to work something out around that…

The second dream is really interesting. I’m sure I did actually meet Anastasia in the dream, but I feel the bum is a representation of a part of her. On the surface, she’s a nice person but underneath she’s incredibly manipulative. The dream is showing me that I’m getting pulled in and it makes me feel powerless.

I think these dreams are linked because in becoming aware of the parts of myself that I see as dangerous, I’m becoming more aware of the unconscious, dark parts of others.

 

 

Healing a Grudge

Meditation Upon Waking: 25/6/2016

Had a vivid dream, but couldn’t quite pull the memory to the surface. Got to thinking about Dianna (an ex-teacher who was invested in keeping me small). There is still a part of me sending mean thoughts her. I go to investigate. There is a part of me that is very “eye-for-an-eye”. I want to punish Dianna for what she did and how she hurt me. I talk to that part of myself. I tell her that nothing happens without our consent on some level and that she is using these past events to stay powerless. She says it’s still uncomfortable and painful. Something unravels and she lets go of her grudge against Dianna. There is a golden door that we pass through. On the other side is a meadow. A man is standing there. This part of me runs up and kisses him. He’s a version of my partner James, but stronger and more self-assured. He thanks me for bringing back his wife. Then he talks to me about my James. He says I need to honor James’s gentle, quietness because when I get extremely busy (which I will), this peace will be necessary.

I Can Protect Myself

Nightmare: Undated

I’m in a room with Salma Hayek. We’re talking and suddenly the conversation turns abusive. She begins verbally using me. Then I fall to the floor and she tries to physically abuse me. She’s yelling all kinds of things about dictators and power and Sydney. I keep trying to yell “STOP!”, but at first nothing comes out. I can’t make a sound. I have no voice. Then suddenly I can whisper it if I put the full force of my being behind it. I whisper it again and again and again. Every time I whisper it, it creates a force field around me that starts to drive her back. Still, she tries to get me. I keep holding her at bay and saying stop. My voice is getting louder and louder. Finally I wake up and yell “STOP!” at the top of my lungs. I see a spirit flung away from my body and then run out the door. Now that I’m awake, I know the spirit can’t hurt me. It doesn’t have any power over me any more.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is definitely about claiming my power back. It was more of an experience, than a dream. Some deep part of me got activated, and I felt SO strong when I yelled that final STOP! and flung the spirit off. The dream made me realize at an incredibly deep level, that I’m actually safe. I can protect myself, and I don’t need to be afraid.

Asking #8

An Asking: Undated, sometime in early-2015

Help me heal the belief and fear that there will be negative consequences to pursuing this path. I am ready to release this. Help me do so. Help me clear this so that I may go forward on my journey unfettered of the past.

Help me to heal the masochistic structure. I am ready to release this rage, this issue with authority, this weight. I am ready to break free of this pattern of holding in and accepting/doing what an external authority wants because it’s safe. I say NO!

Examining Social Conditioning

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1

James and I are climbing all over stuff suspended from a hotel ceiling. There are old train cars, giant clocks, etc… It’s fun, but I decide to take a break. James says he wants to climb some more. Suddenly, the stuff starts turning like a giant machine, cogs in a wheel. I start screaming, yelling out to see if James is okay. A person drops from really high. I run over. It’s Elaine. She tries to get up but collapses. I tell her not to move and I yell out for the staff to get an ambulance. It takes forever. James is fine and rushes over, helping me with Elaine. She ends up with her head in my lap. I’m crying. She tells me she’s not going to make it. I tell her to hang on. She’s prepared to die. The ambulance finally comes. The paramedics are dressed in ebola suits. I tell them she has no family here and they let me go with her.

Dream 2

Sam comes to dinner with me and Mary Anne. He parks outside. We hear a crash and run outside. Some jerks are repeatedly bashing all the cars in the carpark as they drive past. His car is totaled. We find out it’s an activist group. I track them down and ask them to pay for the damage. They’re all black. I keep saying dude to sound cool. They won’t pay. I threaten to sue because you can’t just damage other people’s personal property. They say that’s exactly the idea that they’re against. I realize this group is very dangerous and I back out of the room.

Thoughts/Meaning

These are definitely dreams about social conditioning, but I’m not sure exactly what they mean. I think the first one references the idea that if I look too deeply into my conditioning there will be some kind of backlash [Elaine’s fall/death] because new ideas are contagious [her body was collected by people in hazmat suits] and the powers that be need to keep things as they are [cogs in wheel supporting a bigger machine]. The second one is about how my life is structured around a lot of these social beliefs [e.g. the idea of personal property]. I’m afraid that if these go away, chaos will break out [the gang bashes up all the cars]. That’s what I’ve always been taught, right? That without society and societal rules, mankind will degenerate into a chaotic, violent mess. Only, I think that’s just another a belief that keeps us invested in social structures. If we’re convinced we’re evil and need to be controlled, then we’ll let ourselves be oppressed. We might even help the oppressors because we think it’s necessary. It’s interesting how much this parallels religion. Society tries to keep us from knowing ourselves just as much as religion does. If we know ourselves, then we know we’re not actually evil. And if we’re not evil, then we don’t need protecting or controlling because we can trust ourselves. How different life on this planet would be if each of us completed trusted ourselves!

The Egyptian Priest

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I am in an airport, going on a trip. On the way to my plane, I bump into my cousin Amber. She’s going the other way. I stop. Lindsay takes my bag and I give Amber a big hug. Then I realize I’m going to lose the people in my group and I let her go. We never said anything, just gave each other a big full bodied hug. I get to my gate, but my destination isn’t listed on the screen. Instead, the plane is going somewhere else, but it doesn’t say where. I realize Lindsay left my bag with the group and I have to go find it.  When I get my bag, it accidentally gets put on a conveyor belt where they’re looking for contraband and contamination. I tell the guy it doesn’t belong there. He says “I’ll get it back”, but he doesn’t mark it or anything. I know he’s an Egyptian priest so I don’t argue, but I have a feeling it’s gone for forever. I wait for my bag and slowly the airport fades away and I’m in the desert. The priest is working on a project there. The Prince has come and wants to take up all his time, but the priest is busy. The Prince is beautiful, but he only cares about power. I look at them and think “the one who doesn’t try is the powerful one.”

The Man in the Machine

Nightmare: Undated, sometime in late-2014

There’s a man in a machine. He’s going to kill me, so I have to kill him first. He looks like Jim Carry. I know we’ve done this dance before. He gets out of his machine and attacks me with a knife. I lacerate his forehead with scissors. He’s going to kill me. Then I turn and see his son shitting blood in the next room. I suddenly become unimportant as he rushes to take care of his son. I see an image of his son as healthy, on a ride with a girl. She’s asking about his mom. He says he likes her because she sounds like his mom in her messages.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what this dream means. I think it’s interesting that an incredibly violent figure [the man in the machine] is transformed into a loving caring father, and that my perspective which is at first one of instinct [I protect myself] turns into one of curiosity [watching his son’s memories]. I wonder if maybe my dream life is trying to tell me that things are never as simple as they seem. People that hurt others are often hurting inside themselves. It’s also interesting that this dream came right after asking to know more about my inner feminine. Perhaps the dream is showing me that by fighting against patriarchal values [the ghost in the machine], I’m becoming what I most fear [someone violent] and that the true way forward is to see what’s underneath the surface [the sick child and his memories]. In his memories, the boy wants his love-interest to be like his mother, which is a classic mythological theme (see Oedipus).

Arrested by the FBI

Dream: Undated, sometime in late-2014

I’m under house arrest by the FBI for starting a cult based on a children’s book. I really want to escape, but I also feel I should somehow deal with the situation.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is a short dream! Hmm..well…. Starting a cult about a children’s book clearly references how I built a lot of my identity on what happened to me as a child. The adult me [the FBI]  is trying to help me break free of that identity. But like any cult, it’s not simple to escape. My entire idea of who I am was based around the idea that I’m a survivor. Bad things happened to me as a kid and I got through them, came out stronger. It’s not a bad myth to live by because there’s power in being the person who has overcome things. At the same time, it’s completely based on being the victim. I don’t want to see myself as the victim any more. I don’t want my entire life to be about the pain that I endured. I’d rather that my personal myth be based around the positive experiences I’ve had and the positive qualities that I possess. I’d rather be the hero of my story than the victim of my past.

Afraid To Be Feminine 

Dream: Undated, sometime in late-2014

I’m starting at a new school. I meet a guy called Barbi (a character from Under the Dome), who seems super cool. There’s a young girl I’m also interested in, but she’s skittish. Something happens and Barbi ends up in a courtyard surrounded by men in face masks. I know they can’t hurt us, but some of the other boys at school seem agitated. When we break it up, Barbi grabs one of the masked men and yells “I know this isn’t you. Why don’t you go to the place and have sex?” Then he turns and pours water all over me. I splutter and ask why he did that. He says “I want them to think I peed on you.” I flip out and try to punch him. It doesn’t hurt him and he laughs at me, which makes me even angrier. I run away and see that the little girl I was interested in has turned into a cat. She turns back into a little girl and we stare at each other. After a while, she changes again. I’m petting her when Barbi comes and finds me. I don’t make it to class that day because Barbi and I sit around talking. We want to buy an artist colony. Barbi already has tons of resumes, so he thinks it’s possible. At some point, I have to go to the bathroom, but the whole school only has urinals. I peed through my underwear trying to use a urinal and I want to get changed. Jess brings me a bag of clothes, but they all belong to Jamie and they’re super manly. I choose a dress in the end, although I wear tights with it because I’m afraid it’s see-through. I can’t find Barbi so I decide to go to an aquarium, but I can’t get the price right. Eventually, I use my credit card to pay. The ticket guy says, “You have a monthly limit on that. You might want to call them.” I go to the aquarium, but it’s only when I’m leaving that I realize I didn’t go on any of the crazy rides. I’m not upset though because they all look super dangerous. Dad picks me up. Barbi is in the car with him. As we’re driving home, we stop on a bridge. I look out onto the water and see a ship like Titanic cresting a wave. It rolls on its side and then flips over. I think, “Oh that’s bad…”, and then I realize it’s a chain reaction. The ship hits another ship which hits another ship. It happens so fast, one of them hits the bridge and dad hits the gas. We make it off the bridge before it collapses. I look left and see the ground is beginning to flood. “This is going to be the worst ecological disaster in history,” I say. The harbour is full of shipwrecks now. We drive the rest of the way home in silence. I’m holding Barbi’s hand. I ask him where he lives so we can drop him off. He gets quiet. My dad says, “I’ll drop him off at his mother-in-law’s house.” I ask Barbi if he’s married. He nods. You can tell he doesn’t want me to know. I can tell there are major problems with his marriage. I tell him there must be a story and he nods. I feel like this won’t kill our relationship, but it is definitely a major roadblock to it. 

Thoughts/Meaning

I didn’t write anything at the time. The only lead I have is the asking (#4) that I wrote the night I had this dream. In that context, I think the dream is all about my hidden, unconscious issues with sexuality, relationships, and aliveness. Barbi represents my ideal man. In Under the Dome, he’s smart and sexy and mysterious. He’s also incredibly skilled, and he looks out for other people (i.e. he’s a good guy as defined by American culture). But I’m aware that things aren’t that simple. Even good guys have dark sides [the men in masks] and can be possessive  [wants people to think he peed on me, like marking territory]. In the dream, Barbi acknowledges that sex is a way to calm down his dark side (a very Freudian belief) and I find out the same thing. I run away because I’m angry and end up petting my pussy [the cat]. Once we reconcile, I feel good, but I can’t shake the idea that I’m the man in the relationship [there are no ladies bathrooms and someone brings me manly clothes]. I feel that way a lot in relationships actually! To counterbalance that, I try to be feminine [put on a dress], but I’m uncomfortable with being a woman [wear tights to cover up my body]. The aquarium represents my emotional view of womanhood. I want to show it off but it has to be contained and non-threatening  [I don’t go on the dangerous rides]. Only you can’t keep it contained. I run across it all the time [the bridge], but normally I block it out. I avoid it. Why? Because I’m afraid that if I stop and look, it will swallow me up and destroy me [sinking the Titanic]. I feel like this because so much of my world view is predicated on how I view my feminine self [chain reaction with the ships]. And that is of course tied in with how society sees the feminine. I’m worried I won’t be able to survive in the world without these beliefs [it’s the worst ecological disaster in history]. In the end, it’s clear I don’t value my femininity very highly since I’m willing to stay with Barbi even though he’s married. Or maybe I’m just afraid of the vulnerability that being feminine and sexual brings.

A Tapeworm, A Boat Ride, and A Carnival

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

Dream 1

I’m in a medical exam room. There’s a guy on the table but they don’t know what’s wrong with him. The doctor tells him to throw up. He ends up pulling a giant tapeworm out of the guy’s mouth. There’s a little girl in the room who’s curious. She asks her mom something and the mom completely over-reacts. The mom grabs a piece of the tapeworm and rubs it all over the girl’s face. The girl starts to cry and the mom looks pleased. I’m standing there wondering what’s wrong with her.

Dream 2

Malcolm, Lana and I are going jet boating, but we’re running late. Everyone is on the boat and it leaves without us. A lady on the boat gets it to stop, and I manage to swing myself from the dock into the back of the boat. Malcolm can’t make it though. He’s too big. The boat ride is super jerky, and I don’t particularly enjoy it. 

Dream 3

A group of us get dropped off on an island that used to be a theme park. It clearly hasn’t operated in years. A guide emerges and says to break up in groups and enter through the stalls. He goes in one and it falls apart. It’s empty. The others begin sinking into the ground. My team gets in one and it lets us out in front of an old decrepit house. We find a card that say “find where they heal people”. We begin searching. I find myself paralyzed in the foyer. To the left, I can see a dinghy corridor which is blocked off by hundreds of gravestones in the form of crosses. Then I notice a staircase. I go up the stairs, but first I have to climb through a window shaped like a vagina. Upstairs is a liquor store. I think they probably used the room as a healing space before it was covered in booze. 

Thoughts/Meaning 

The first dream is definitely about power/control and feeling contaminated [the tapeworm] by family patterns. The second one is about trying really hard to fit in [getting on the jetboat] but realizing it’s not worth it because I’m just along for the ride and I’m not really living. The third one is more complicated. I think it represents all the things that stand in the way of me becoming myself. The theme park represents social conditioning. The crosses represent religious conditioning. The vagina shaped window represents issues with sex and sexuality. And behind all of that, at the very center, is addiction [the liquor store]. My family line is riddled with it, particularly alcoholism and gambling. But even in the dream, it’s clear that underneath all of those beliefs and issues, the potential for healing exists. 

Hiding from Godzilla

Dream: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

I’m in a big city with a few friends. It’s me, a guy and 2 kids. We’re having a good time when suddenly I realize that the city is under attack by Godzilla. It’s not safe. We’re near a bank. I get us inside. It’s rainy and really windy. It’s a close call that Godzilla doesn’t see us. One of the kids wanders outside and the guy has to go and get her. When they come back inside, we notice that there is now a big locked/unlocked sign on the door. Suddenly, people can tell it’s a safe place and they want to come in. I let them in until it’s full. A man whose kids are inside is stuck outside. I let him in. I tell everybody to move over, make space. Then, we hear someone coming and we get really quiet. A cop comes into the building. I realize we never locked the door. I quietly get up and lock it, hoping not to be seen. I’m not. The cop goes up the stairs. Everyone stays quiet. Suddenly, a blonde girl yells, “we’re safe!” We tell her to shut up, but she doesn’t understand. She keeps talking way too loudly. The third time she says it, the cop hears her. I’m terrified we’ll be found. The guy I was with in the beginning looks at me. He grabs the talking girl and runs through the door. The cop has his pants around his ankles. He runs down the stairs and outside, ass hanging out. He’s looking for the culprit, but they’ve gone down a nearby drain. I wait for them to come back, but they’re enjoying their freedom. They’re dancing underwater and singing funny songs. The guy says he’ll bring the girl back at 1 am, which is curfew time. It will be the last chance for them to reach us before the building shuts down completely. I wonder if they’ll come back. They seem happy out there, almost like there’s no danger at all.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is a dream about how I felt as a child. Godzilla represents my mother. I’m terrified of her. She’s an all powerful destroyer. To be safe, I lock parts of myself away, especially parts she doesn’t  like. I hide in a place where I control who comes in and who goes out. The cop represents my eldest sister, Jaime. She was older and meant to protect me, but in reality she saw me as someone to prey upon and hurt. As a kid, I tried not to be noticed, to be quiet and stay safe, but parts of me are loud [the yelling girl] and it doesn’t always work. The masculine part of me [the guy] protects me by taking the loud part outside. I become tough and that strong part of me feels alive [dancing and singing outside]. But I keep the other parts of me locked up. It’s still not safe for them. When will it be safe to come out? It’s time to let all the parts of me come out of hiding. Note: I woke up from this dream at 1am, curfew time…

Escaping PE

Dream: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

I’m with a group. We’re going swimming/running. Mrs Reed, my PE teacher from high school, is yelling at us. She believes you should work out until you’re skinny. According to her, if you’re not skinny, it’s because your lazy. When we get to the work out place, I can’t find a secure place to put my stuff. I end up hiding it under someone else’s bag. I go for a drink of water, but the water comes out of a fish tank and I think that’s weird. People are lapping me because I’m taking too long to get ready. I get on the track and start running, but I hate running so I start to jump instead. I jump and jump and I jump so high that I’m above it all. After a while, I realise I can fly and control my path using my arms. I jump one final time and feel like I’m swimming in the air. The gym class has stopped and they’re watching me. I realize I’m in a harness and my grandma is next to me in another harness. There’s a piece of dead skin in my harness and she keeps trying to get it. In doing so, my harness completely tangles and I fall out. I’m hanging there, feeling scared when I wake up. 

Thoughts/Meaning

I feel like American society places a lot of expectations on women [workout, be skinny, keep up, etc…], but that none of those things have value for me [I just want to fly away]. I don’t like being controlled. I want to be free. Except  when I finally get away from the society  [I’m swimming freely in the air], I find I’m still constrained  [the harness]. I carry with me old family patterns  [dead skin] that need to fall away. The problem is that those patterns are all I know, so I’m afraid to let them go.

Coerced into Marriage

Dream: Undated sometime in mid-2014

I’m pregnant and about to have a baby out of wedlock. My mother arranges for my cousin Rachel to take the child, but only if we get married. During the ceremony, I don’t pay any attention and keep trying to read the newspaper. After we say our vows, I become incredibly angry. I see James and he’s crying. He says that we’ll never be together properly now. I hug him and reassure him and realize that I’ve made a huge mistake by going along with the charade. I track down Rachel and ask for an annulment. She says she already looked into it, and the answer was no. “Your mother is watching you like a hawk,” she says. I want to tell my mother to go f**k herself, that it’s my life. Rachel asks if I want to see the baby. We go over to her car. The baby is tiny.

Thoughts/Meaning

My cousin Rachel is physically very beautiful, and I think in the dream she represents what my mother wanted me to be (skinny, pretty, etc…). I tried to live up to my mom’s standards [i.e. I marry Rachel], but only because I felt she wouldn’t accept me otherwise [watching me like a hawk]. In order to cope, I try to distract myself [reading the newspaper], but it doesn’t work because I have serious internal issues [my unwanted baby] that I don’t know how to deal with. I try to escape my mother’s control [ask for annulment] but I still don’t want to take full responsibility for my own life [leaving the baby with Rachel]. Basically, I think this dream was trying to show me how invested I was in blaming my mother instead of taking control over my own life.

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