Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Gypsy Circus in the Desert

Dream 17/7/2016

I’m attending a gypsy circus. The landscape is really dusty and desert like. My sister, Jaime, and her son are there. The kid keeps pushing open the metal gates that stand between the audience and the show. Jaime keeps picking him up and closing the gates. Then, he opens them when a tiger is pacing back and forth. My inner rescuer kicks in. I grab him and think angrily that someone should padlock the gate during shows.

Thoughts/Meaning

Children (my inner child?) can expose what we believe to be the most dangerous part of ourselves [the tiger]. They aren’t confined by the societal rules and regulations [the gates]. Instead, they are true explorers, open to the possibilities. My child is trying to open the gate within me, to help me have new experiences [the gypsy circus], but I keep shutting them because I’m afraid [wandering in the desert].

I had this dream right after watching The Legend of Tarzan for the 2nd time.  The whole story of Tarzan is about man’s connection to his inner nature, which Western society sees as wild and uncontrollable and therefore unacceptable. They literally beat him and break him down so that he can ‘civilized’. I guess there’s a part of me that worries that if I truly connect with my instinctual self and Mother Earth that I will become too wild, too unacceptable. There is a part of me that wishes I was happy just being ‘normal’. That part of me wants what my sisters have: a family, a house, children, etc… For many years, I’ve made that part of me out to be weak and easily controlled, but what if it’s not? What if it’s natural? Maybe it’s time to venerate the different aspects of myself. To honor the part of me that wants to experience and grow and serve and teach, and to honor the part of me that wants to have the simple joys and pleasures of a normal life. Both are parts of me. I thought for a long time that one excluded the other, but they don’t. I can have both, be both.

Poet in the Basement

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I had a dream that I knew wasn’t real. I can’t remember the beginning, but at some point I was sent (banished?) to a beach. When a got there, I was covered in flowers. I brushed them off and started to climb up the dunes. There were ancient, Sanskrit markings everywhere. When I reached the top of the dunes, I realized I was in Auckland but not the current Auckland. I went to my favorite market and everything was different. I realized I had traveled back in time to the 1980s. Eventually I found a bar. There was a poet in the basement. I knew him, but I thought he was crazy. Hermoine (from Harry Potter) and a random guy were with me. They left the bar, but I became enchanted with a hanging teacup with tea and lemon in it. It was beautiful and made of ceramic. At first, I though it was floating, but then I saw a string holding it up. Hermoine came back for me, but when we tried to leave together the way out was blocked by a mangled body. She screamed. I found another door. Outside, we waited to take an elevator. Someone was after us. He had a helicopter. The random guy with us decided to sacrifice himself and led the people chasing us away.

Meaning/Thoughts

I don’t know if this dream means anything. Apparently, I was struck by the amount of flowers in the dream. I wrote that there were flowers on the beach and in my hair and in the pub. Maybe it has something to do with creativity starting to bloom? I find the poet in the basement pretty symbolic, especially since I thought he was crazy. That’s a definitely a metaphor for how I view my creative self. It’s also interesting that Hermoine is there. She probably represents my analytical, rule following side…

Leaving the Silo

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m in a silo far from civilization. Resources are limited. One of the men went to get help. When he comes back, I don’t believe what he’s saying. I go to investigate. I find another silo nearby where a plane has crashed. Three men are wounded but alive. I go to help the nearest one. He is laying in a field that looks like New Zealand hills and even has sheep. His arm appears to be broken, but he’s happy to see me. We get him cleaned up. I can tell he’s a good person, but I start to think it will be dangerous to take him back to where I came from. I can’t decide if we should help the other two guys. If we do, what will we eat, etc…

Meaning/Thoughts

This dream definitely has themes about feeling unsafe in life and not being able to go back to the tribe for support, but mostly it’s about me reading Wool!

Afraid To Be Feminine 

Dream: Undated, sometime in late-2014

I’m starting at a new school. I meet a guy called Barbi (a character from Under the Dome), who seems super cool. There’s a young girl I’m also interested in, but she’s skittish. Something happens and Barbi ends up in a courtyard surrounded by men in face masks. I know they can’t hurt us, but some of the other boys at school seem agitated. When we break it up, Barbi grabs one of the masked men and yells “I know this isn’t you. Why don’t you go to the place and have sex?” Then he turns and pours water all over me. I splutter and ask why he did that. He says “I want them to think I peed on you.” I flip out and try to punch him. It doesn’t hurt him and he laughs at me, which makes me even angrier. I run away and see that the little girl I was interested in has turned into a cat. She turns back into a little girl and we stare at each other. After a while, she changes again. I’m petting her when Barbi comes and finds me. I don’t make it to class that day because Barbi and I sit around talking. We want to buy an artist colony. Barbi already has tons of resumes, so he thinks it’s possible. At some point, I have to go to the bathroom, but the whole school only has urinals. I peed through my underwear trying to use a urinal and I want to get changed. Jess brings me a bag of clothes, but they all belong to Jamie and they’re super manly. I choose a dress in the end, although I wear tights with it because I’m afraid it’s see-through. I can’t find Barbi so I decide to go to an aquarium, but I can’t get the price right. Eventually, I use my credit card to pay. The ticket guy says, “You have a monthly limit on that. You might want to call them.” I go to the aquarium, but it’s only when I’m leaving that I realize I didn’t go on any of the crazy rides. I’m not upset though because they all look super dangerous. Dad picks me up. Barbi is in the car with him. As we’re driving home, we stop on a bridge. I look out onto the water and see a ship like Titanic cresting a wave. It rolls on its side and then flips over. I think, “Oh that’s bad…”, and then I realize it’s a chain reaction. The ship hits another ship which hits another ship. It happens so fast, one of them hits the bridge and dad hits the gas. We make it off the bridge before it collapses. I look left and see the ground is beginning to flood. “This is going to be the worst ecological disaster in history,” I say. The harbour is full of shipwrecks now. We drive the rest of the way home in silence. I’m holding Barbi’s hand. I ask him where he lives so we can drop him off. He gets quiet. My dad says, “I’ll drop him off at his mother-in-law’s house.” I ask Barbi if he’s married. He nods. You can tell he doesn’t want me to know. I can tell there are major problems with his marriage. I tell him there must be a story and he nods. I feel like this won’t kill our relationship, but it is definitely a major roadblock to it. 

Thoughts/Meaning

I didn’t write anything at the time. The only lead I have is the asking (#4) that I wrote the night I had this dream. In that context, I think the dream is all about my hidden, unconscious issues with sexuality, relationships, and aliveness. Barbi represents my ideal man. In Under the Dome, he’s smart and sexy and mysterious. He’s also incredibly skilled, and he looks out for other people (i.e. he’s a good guy as defined by American culture). But I’m aware that things aren’t that simple. Even good guys have dark sides [the men in masks] and can be possessive  [wants people to think he peed on me, like marking territory]. In the dream, Barbi acknowledges that sex is a way to calm down his dark side (a very Freudian belief) and I find out the same thing. I run away because I’m angry and end up petting my pussy [the cat]. Once we reconcile, I feel good, but I can’t shake the idea that I’m the man in the relationship [there are no ladies bathrooms and someone brings me manly clothes]. I feel that way a lot in relationships actually! To counterbalance that, I try to be feminine [put on a dress], but I’m uncomfortable with being a woman [wear tights to cover up my body]. The aquarium represents my emotional view of womanhood. I want to show it off but it has to be contained and non-threatening  [I don’t go on the dangerous rides]. Only you can’t keep it contained. I run across it all the time [the bridge], but normally I block it out. I avoid it. Why? Because I’m afraid that if I stop and look, it will swallow me up and destroy me [sinking the Titanic]. I feel like this because so much of my world view is predicated on how I view my feminine self [chain reaction with the ships]. And that is of course tied in with how society sees the feminine. I’m worried I won’t be able to survive in the world without these beliefs [it’s the worst ecological disaster in history]. In the end, it’s clear I don’t value my femininity very highly since I’m willing to stay with Barbi even though he’s married. Or maybe I’m just afraid of the vulnerability that being feminine and sexual brings.

Teachings of Tom Mason

Dream: Undated, sometime in mid-2014

I’m sitting in a truck with Tom Mason (from Falling Skies) and another guy. We’re waiting for his sons who just went into a warehouse, scouting it out. I can feel something isn’t right. I look in the rearview mirror and see that people are coming out of the warehouse. I react too late. A big girl tells me to turn off the truck. I pull the key out but nothing happens, the engine keeps running. She laughs and say, “We need to work on that.” Earlier in the dream, I remember sitting with Tom and he said, “You can be with anyone when it happens. You might be on a plane or a bus or a ferry, and suddenly those people become all you have.” I remember thinking, he’s lost and needs a boost. I told him he was the best teacher I ever had because he made things real, he made them matter. Then suddenly Tom decided to tell me a secret. He told me how to defy gravity using water.

Thoughts/Meaning 

No idea if there’s a deeper meaning to this dream or not. Looks like memory processing to me. I would like to know how to defy gravity using water though…that would be an awesome secret!

Live, Die, Repeat

Dream: Undated, sometime in 2014

I’m a detective in a crime ridden city. I finally find a guy that loves me and I just want to go home with him. I get cornered by a street gang. I make a wrong move and get killed. I think ‘F**k’, and then the end game screen comes up and I realize it’s a game. It says “Start Over or Go Back To Last Decision?” I really really want to be with the guy who won’t remember me if I start over. So, I go back to the last decision. I do something else, but they kill me again. This happens a few times, until I do something drastic. Rather than fight, I turn and run and get hit by a car full of stolen drugs. No indication if I live or die after that, but one of the gang members comes over and says he can’t wait for Game 2.

Thoughts/Meaning

Definitely influenced by the movie Edge of Tomorrow… In terms of meaning, I think the dream is about how we repeat the same cycle or pattern over and over again until we finally decide we’ve had enough. At that point, we’re willing to risk the possible hazards of new choices and the unknown. It doesn’t always have a happy ending, but at least we’ve broken free of an endless repetitive loop!

Kidnapping a Masochist

Dream: Undated sometime in mid-2014

*Trigger warning – contains sexual violence

I’m a man. I’m looking for a girl (romantic?) that has been kidnapped. A lady helps me get directions to the mansion where she’s being held after I almost crash a helicopter looking for it. When I get there, the kidnapper has the girl all tied up in a room with a big M on the wall in red. He isn’t paying any attention to her because his men are trickling into the room. He’s clearly planning something. I challenge him to a duel once he realizes I’m there. He laughs and then we fight. I’m no match for him, but he doesn’t kill me because he’s distracted by his men. He has his assistant take the girl and throw her in a cell. They put me in a room nearby. When they let me out, I demand to see the girl. The guy has just come out of her room naked and I’m convinced that he raped her. I go in and she’s pulling white styrofoam balls out of her hips/vagina. I ask if he hurt her. She says no. He couldn’t get her wet so he got frustrated. I see a small hole in the window and suggest that we jump. She laughs. “They won’t kill me,” she says. “I asked them not to.” I nod but don’t understand.

Thoughts/Meaning

The M stands for masochism. A lot of this dream reminds me of fifty shades of grey. At around the time of this dream, there was heavy advertising for the first movie. So maybe this is me processing that? I think that movie is horrific by the way since it essentially promotes abusive relationships based on power/control as the road to happiness and fulfillment. In the dream, the theme of male dominance is clear. What gets to me is the psychology of the so-called victim. She has a chance to escape but doesn’t take it. Instead she tries to assert herself within the one-sided situation. To me, that’s the worst part about the masochistic psychology, the victim ends up hurting themselves further in order to find some way of feeling empowered within a completely hopeless situation. They’re attached to the system because it gives them a place and role, even if it’s a negative one. Eventually in order to exist within it, they become as manipulative as their abusers and the cycle repeats.

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