The Little Boy and the Violent Man

Dream: 29/1/2017

I’m with an incredibly controlling, abusive man who gets me to do what he wants through threats and violence. I’m terrified of him and I conform, but I’m always looking for ways to escape. At some point, I find my way out into a room with a big piano. I drop the backpack I’m carrying and start banging on the piano keys, trying to attract attention. I hope someone will come. The violent man comes into the room. He’s prepared to be nice and he tries to sweet talk me. I can feel the fear getting the better of me. I’m terrified of him, but I would rather die than go back to the gilded cage. Suddenly, a little boy appears and demands to know why I haven’t treated his backpack better. I try to calm him, hoping the violent man won’t find out that the little boy gave me the backpack. The boy is really upset. He keeps talking about how he’s been really good to me. For some reason, I fly into a rage at his words and start screaming, “That’s not what you’re mad about!” The boy is just like the violent man. He’s super manipulative. He points out the positive things he does for me, thinking that will somehow make me forget all about the abuse. I’m disgusted that the boy and the man are the same. Suddenly, we are surrounded by women. They seem to come from everywhere. I feel relieved. I can’t get away from the man or the boy on my own. The women were attracted by the noise. Someone came. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I dreamed this after asking my divine self to show me why the ‘grass is always greener’ idea keeps coming up for me around careers (i.e. why when I just get going with something I always decide it’s not right and I don’t actually want it). It’s like a part of me want to go along with things in order to stay safe [the terrified woman at the beginning], but there’s another part of me that knows its not right and that I have to follow my own path [the woman who wants to escape]. So I always end up conflicted, pulled in two entirely different directions and never able to move forward. I think the abusive, controlling man represents how I view society (i.e. patriarchal and threatening). I feel pressured to conform in order to survive and yet I have an intense need to rebel at the same time. There’s no winning. I don’t know if there is a solution, but the dream seems to suggest that connecting with women and my own feminine nature is part of finding my way out of the conflict.

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Drowning in a Tunnel and Waiting in the Rain

Dream Series: 18/1/2017

Dream 1:

I’m at some kind of Seaworld Park. It’s owned by a friend of mine. He wants me to stay there. He assigns someone to show me to my room. We end up underwater in a tunnel with lots of doors. My guide points to a door (which I guess leads to my room) then swims out and locks the door to the tunnel. The tunnel is completely full of water. I try to open the door to my room but I can’t. I can’t open any of the doors. I start to panic. I’m drowning. Somehow I make it into one of the rooms at the last possible minute (or I drown? I’m not sure, the dream skips a bit here). Next thing I know I’m in the parking lot trying to get a ride away from the park. Finally an asian girl agrees to take me. I ask her if she’s a taxi driver. She says, “No, but I can smell your desperation. Get in!” I go with her. We end up on a beach having lots of fun. There’s a boat in the distance. I wonder if I should tell my friend where I am.

Dream 2:

I have a big test tomorrow in a subject I know nothing about. I’m walking along when suddenly I realize I’m supposed to meet my friend, Leanne. I call her. She asks where I am. I tell her at the cross road near One Tree Hill, a volcano in Auckland. It’s pouring so I head to the bus stop for shelter. There are lots of people at the bus stop and they all look so happy and care free. I’m pissed that I have a test tomorrow and can’t join them. Without thinking, I get on the bus when it comes. About a block later, I scream at the bus driver to stop and end up getting off in the middle of an intersection. I run back to the bus stop where I’m supposed to meet my friend. I wake up before she arrives.

Thoughts/Meaning

In both dreams, I’m powerless. I’m surrounded by water [emotions] and dependent on a friend to get me out of the situation. When I take things into my own hands [get on the bus], I end up needing to go back to where I started. That’s the way I behaved for most of my life. I followed other people’s rules. I controlled my impulses. I was “good”. Behaving that way kept me safe. At least, that’s what I told myself. Being a strong woman who makes her own decisions and trust herself completely…that fascinates me but also terrifies me.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

Asking #7

An Asking: Undated, sometime in late-2014

Help me to fully see, understand and heal my love mask. Help me bring to the surface and process any issues still related to this false solution that I present to the world. I ask my guides and my angels to help me fully understand and heal any family beliefs about physical safety that I am carrying in my system. Help me give back and clear any beliefs that I will starve or die violently or experience the apocalypse. Help me to release any thought patterns or beliefs that were imposed on me via my familial heritage about physical safety or my body. Help me to heal this so that I may incarnate fully with love and respect for my physicality. Help me to live consciously in all areas of my life. Amen.

*A lot of my askings actually sound like prayers and end with Amen. Maybe I was never asking, maybe I was always praying…

**I wrote this asking after a series of memories around getting my period as a young girl returned to my consciousness. My mother didn’t handle it well. In fact she dealt with it by not talking about it. I was essentially left to figure things out on my own. I bet that’s true for a lot of women in our culture. We’re made to feel that our body is somehow shameful and so speaking about quite natural parts of our development becomes taboo. I wish it wasn’t like that. I’m also starting to realize that part of uncovering and honoring the inner feminine is to honor and love the outer feminine. I have to learn love and accept my body, which is hard in a society where your value as a women is often perceived as being connected to how you look and how much you weigh.

Asking #6: Finding Juanita

An Asking: Undated, sometime in late 2014

Where is the pain in my heart chakra from? Please show me what my sexual issues are about. Help me to become clear so that I can heal. Help me see what keeps me from accessing my inner feminine.

*At this time, I was obsessed with Shania Twain’s song Juanita, which to me represents every woman’s search for her inner wild feminine.

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