Dream Series: 17/2/2017
I’m watching Star (the main character from the TV show Star) do her thing. She’s preparing for a show and she’s nervous. Her show involves a table. I offer to help her move it and in the process, I break a glass. She looks at me and says I did it on purpose. I want to lie, but she’s right, I did. I want to perform and I’m jealous of her. A woman comes over and sees the situation. She knows exactly what’s going on. She tells me I can’t go to the party where Star is singing because of what I’ve done. She tells Star to go get ready. It’s some kind of Santa party.
I’m with some friends. We’re standing at the beginning of a long tunnel. Suddenly, a bug flies into my face and falls down. I freak out and step on it by accident. I pick it up and it’s wings are broken. I decide to see if it will fly away. I leave the tunnel entrance and go next door where there’s a giant staircase that goes up and up and up. At the top, I try to release the bug, but it’s damaged. I wonder if I should kill it, put it out of its misery. Suddenly, it latches its legs around the middle finger of my right hand. I immediately clench my hand, expanding my finger and causing its legs to snap off. Now it’s really damaged! I put it down on the stairs and walk away. I feel guilty but I don’t want to be the one responsible for ending its life.
I think these dreams are about taking responsibility for negative intentions that I have in my life. When things go wrong, people like to say things like “Well, accidents happen.” But what if they don’t? What if there’s a negative intention behind some accidents? In the first dream, breaking the glass looks like an accident, but it’s not and everyone knows it. I want to rattle Star. I secretly hope she’ll perform poorly because I want to feel about myself. In the second dream, I repeatedly injure the bug, but then I won’t do the merciful thing and end its life. It’s like I accept my negative intentions up to a certain point. Past that point, I stop them. The interesting thing is that when I think about negative intentions that I have towards people, I generally find it very easy to justify those intentions. Letting go of negative intentionality has been hard for me. I think because it stems from deep conditioning around seeing people as the Other (i.e. it’s us vs them). Still, I’m working on it. To be fair, even identifying that I have these negative intentions feels like a big step to me, like I’m willing to reclaim all of who I am, not just the parts that are pretty and nice.