Negative Intentionality

Dream Series: 17/2/2017

Dream 1:

I’m watching Star (the main character from the TV show Star) do her thing. She’s preparing for a show and she’s nervous. Her show involves a table. I offer to help her move it and in the process, I break a glass. She looks at me and says I did it on purpose. I want to lie, but she’s right, I did. I want to perform and I’m jealous of her. A woman comes over and sees the situation. She knows exactly what’s going on. She tells me I can’t go to the party where Star is singing because of what I’ve done. She tells Star to go get ready. It’s some kind of Santa party.

Dream 2:

I’m with some friends. We’re standing at the beginning of a long tunnel. Suddenly, a bug flies into my face and falls down. I freak out and step on it by accident. I pick it up and it’s wings are broken. I decide to see if it will fly away. I leave the tunnel entrance and go next door where there’s a giant staircase that goes up and up and up. At the top, I try to release the bug, but it’s damaged. I wonder if I should kill it, put it out of its misery. Suddenly, it latches its legs around the middle finger of my right hand. I immediately clench my hand, expanding my finger and causing its legs to snap off. Now it’s really damaged! I put it down on the stairs and walk away. I feel guilty but I don’t want to be the one responsible for ending its life.


I think these dreams are about taking responsibility for negative intentions that I have in my life. When things go wrong,  people like to say things like “Well, accidents happen.” But what if they don’t? What if there’s a negative intention behind some accidents? In the first dream, breaking the glass looks like an accident, but it’s not and everyone knows it. I want to rattle Star. I secretly hope she’ll perform poorly because I want to feel about myself.  In the second dream, I repeatedly injure the bug, but then I won’t do the merciful thing and end its life. It’s like I accept my negative intentions up to a certain point. Past that point, I stop them. The interesting thing is that when I think about negative intentions that I have towards people, I generally find it very easy to justify those intentions. Letting go of negative intentionality has been hard for me. I think because it stems from deep conditioning around seeing people as the Other (i.e. it’s us vs them). Still, I’m working on it. To be fair, even identifying that I have these negative intentions feels like a big step to me, like I’m willing to reclaim all of who I am, not just the parts that are pretty and nice.


Stalking My Golden Shadow

Dream: Undated, Early 2017

I want to get in contact in with Sanaya Roman, a well known channel. Somehow I know where she lives. I go to her house, intending to meet her. She isn’t home, but her door is unlocked. I go inside. At first, I just intend to leave a note. Then I think, I’ll skype her. Only I realize she’ll know the call is coming from inside her house and that would seem creepy. I realize I should go before she gets home. The house is amazing, very beautiful and immaculate. I look at things, picking them up and turning them over. I pick up a glass decanter and look at the way it refracts the light. When I go to put it down, I notice that the counter is wet. The decanter is full of ice. “Oh shit,” I think. They could be home at any minute! I freak out and check to make sure I haven’t moved anything too much. Then I run out of the house. As soon as I’m out, I see Sanaya and her partner coming down the drive. There’s a big party next door. Someone points at Sanaya and yells, “Is that Taylor Swift?” It confuses Sanaya for a moment and gives me a chance to get away. The woman at the party screams my name and says, “You’re back so soon,” as though I’ve been on break or something. I wake up worried that Sanaya will realize what I’ve done.


So Sanaya is kind of celebrity to me [hence the Taylor Swift reference in the dream]. I think her work and her books are amazing. For a long time I wanted to be her. With that in mind, I’m pretty sure this dream is about recognizing my Golden Shadow, the positive traits that I project onto others because I refuse to recognize them in myself. Rather than acknowledge my own higher self gifts and abilities, I consider patterning myself after someone else who is successful [I stalk Sanaya in the dream]. It seems less threatening than following my own path. Except, it never works [it’s not my house and I don’t belong there]. I have to forge my own path. We all do.

Interestingly the night I had this dream, I accidentally trespassed through a residential apartment complex. While I was trying to find my way out, I felt a bit voyeuristic. Maybe this dream was also partially trying to process that experience?

Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.


I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.



Needle Jabbed by a Child

Meditation 30/11/2016

I was doing another LightBody meditation. In the middle, I started to feel really self-recriminatory. I had a vision where a priest and a young boy were in the room with me. It felt like they were both different aspects of me. I tried to convince the boy that he didn’t need to be afraid. I was tempted to punch the priest, but remembered to send love instead. The boy agreed with me, but then he jabbed a needle into my neck. I ignored it and someone nearby (a guide?) pulled it out.

Behind the Attraction

Dream: 13/9/2016

I’m back in high school, sitting in the bleachers. My eldest sister introduces me to a guy that she likes, then goes off with her friends to perform. The guy and I start talking. He’s blond and rather old. His face is craggy. He wears a baseball cap. Something about him is magnetic. I can tell he’s slept with my sister but he doesn’t actually like her. I have to do a medical school thing. Before I go, I tell the guy that Jamie’s British friend who he’s been oggling is not available. He looks at me, surprised that I can read him. I can tell that he likes me. He tells me to go do my thing and then come find him. I notice that he’s incredibly tall. I go to the open area nearby where the medical teachers are getting people to look into microscopes (periscopes?). They’re made for tall people, and I have to stand on my tippy toes to see through the lens. When I look, I see nothing but a girl on the other side of the field. I yawn. This class will be boring. I ask the teacher when the lecture will be and she looks at me blankly. “Just follow me…” she says. I shake my head. I go over to another teacher.  “It’s so….dear, I don’t know…” Now I’m annoyed. I want to go back and see the guy! Finally, I run into a teacher who asks me if I’m hormonal. I say, “No, I’m just stressed because I want to do good in this class.” I’m walking with her. She walks down some metal stairs and starts reciting a riddle and about wheat and nuts. We go to the bottom and I say chaff because I think that’s a what a bundle of wheat is called. She smiles and claps her hands and says, “You’ll do fine!” She tells me where the lecture will be held and when. I leave her. I run back to the quad, but I run into a lot of blocks. There are people blocking the stairs. There are scores of people trying to get through the gate. Twice people think I’m someone else. I notice that if it’s a guy, I’m immediately excited. I’ve been starved for male attention and affection. Eventually, I find him. He smiles at me. We walk to an area that’s quieter. It’s so easy to talk to him! And he likes me! Upon a bridge in the distance, we see 4 giant dobermans walking along. The bridge is super high and they’re so big that they block the cars. I point at them. The guy nods, then looks at me and pulls me into his arms. “Do you have a boyfriend?” He asks. My hands are on his lower stomach, which is slightly distended in a lump. I push away. “Yes,” I say. “You’re being stupid,” he says, “being with someone like that.” He tells me how James can’t give me what I want, etc… I realize how ugly this man actually is. I wake up.

Note: I had this dream after spending lots of time rubbing my abdomen and wondering why I sometimes look and walk like I’m pregnant.

Gypsy Circus in the Desert

Dream 17/7/2016

I’m attending a gypsy circus. The landscape is really dusty and desert like. My sister, Jaime, and her son are there. The kid keeps pushing open the metal gates that stand between the audience and the show. Jaime keeps picking him up and closing the gates. Then, he opens them when a tiger is pacing back and forth. My inner rescuer kicks in. I grab him and think angrily that someone should padlock the gate during shows.


Children (my inner child?) can expose what we believe to be the most dangerous part of ourselves [the tiger]. They aren’t confined by the societal rules and regulations [the gates]. Instead, they are true explorers, open to the possibilities. My child is trying to open the gate within me, to help me have new experiences [the gypsy circus], but I keep shutting them because I’m afraid [wandering in the desert].

I had this dream right after watching The Legend of Tarzan for the 2nd time.  The whole story of Tarzan is about man’s connection to his inner nature, which Western society sees as wild and uncontrollable and therefore unacceptable. They literally beat him and break him down so that he can ‘civilized’. I guess there’s a part of me that worries that if I truly connect with my instinctual self and Mother Earth that I will become too wild, too unacceptable. There is a part of me that wishes I was happy just being ‘normal’. That part of me wants what my sisters have: a family, a house, children, etc… For many years, I’ve made that part of me out to be weak and easily controlled, but what if it’s not? What if it’s natural? Maybe it’s time to venerate the different aspects of myself. To honor the part of me that wants to experience and grow and serve and teach, and to honor the part of me that wants to have the simple joys and pleasures of a normal life. Both are parts of me. I thought for a long time that one excluded the other, but they don’t. I can have both, be both.

Don’t Trust the Ring Leader

Dream 14/7/2016

I am part of a kidnapping plot. We’re in an old warehouse. There are 3 of us. Our ring leader is a smart man, but he can be very moody. We’ve kidnapped my mother and a little girl. They beg us to let them go, but we won’t. I believe we’re doing it for a good cause. Then it comes on the radio that a female author who writes crime novels has been getting her stories from a real-life criminal. Turns out its our ring leader. I feel betrayed. He says that he’ll help us let the hostages go. He has a silent alarm that he can trigger. It will go off in an hour, giving us time to get organized and cleaned up. Me and the other guy notice that the ring leader has bags and bags of uncooked pasta. He planned to be here for a long time. Whatever was happening wasn’t what he expected. I look around and realize that there’s no way I can clean up all my fingerprints and get away without getting caught. I wonder why I ever trusted the ring leader to begin with. I beg him to them go. I’m sure he plans to kill them.


My Higher Self

Dream 7/7/2016

There is a part of me that knows that everything is perfect, that I am perfect. This self is unlimited and uncensored and so happy it’s almost impossible to contemplate. She spoke to me last night.

The Dangerous Parts

Dream Series: 1/7/2016

Dream 1

I have a dream that I can create anything I want instantly. The trouble is that different parts of me want different things. So whenever I make something, another aspect of me  unmakes it or destroys it. There are lots of parts of me that want to use alien technology and have ideas that futuristic. Interestingly, I see these parts of myself as sick and dangerous.

Dream 2

I’m in the car with Anastasia. She’s smoking. We’re talking about relationships. She really wants to see a movie but doesn’t know which one. I’m not fussed. All the movies seem the same. It’s pouring rain. I leave the car. When I get back, there’s a bum trying to talk to Anastasia. He looks really eccentric and dirty. When I go to get the car, he touches me and suddenly I feel like my face is magnetized to his chest. He’s enjoying my powerlessness. I use all of my will and manage to rip away. I’m worried my skin came off in the process. I get in the car and we drive away.


There’s a lot of common themes between the first dream and the dream from the night before. Once again, I’m split inside. Parts of me want one thing but other parts of me sabotage it. And once again, I see certain parts of myself as dangerous. I’m definitely trying to work something out around that…

The second dream is really interesting. I’m sure I did actually meet Anastasia in the dream, but I feel the bum is a representation of a part of her. On the surface, she’s a nice person but underneath she’s incredibly manipulative. The dream is showing me that I’m getting pulled in and it makes me feel powerless.

I think these dreams are linked because in becoming aware of the parts of myself that I see as dangerous, I’m becoming more aware of the unconscious, dark parts of others.



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