Done with School

I am reading Deschooling Society. It reminds me of a dream I had a few months ago. In the dream, I’m at All Hallows, a Catholic school I used to attend. All the students are out in the yard. It’s like a giant PE class. I feel like the teachers are mistreating the students. I’m really annoyed. Suddenly, I remember that I have a PhD. I stand up, yelling “I have a PhD! I’m done with this stuff, done with school. DONE!” My PhD advisor is there. She and a few of the teachers try to convince me to stay, but I’m adamant. I know it isn’t the place for me anymore. As I walk out, I notice that my advisor is crying tears of joy.

Thoughts/Meaning

I’m going to be completely honest. I have a really negative opinion of traditional western schooling. I think it kills creativity and originality and is basically a system for indoctrinating western social values into the masses. There’s a great Ted talk about how school kills creativity and all kinds of fabulous books and blogs on the subject. At the same time, I consider being educated an absolute blessing that completely shaped my life. I think this dream is about me finally breaking away from my western values and learning to think for myself. I’m done with learning what other people think is important. I’m ready to find out what’s important to me and to formulate my own opinions.

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Osiris Nightmare

Nightmare: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I am held captive with a male friend. A group of women chop off his hands and feet. I see him sitting there, dismembered and I start to scream and cry. I’m not upset that it happened. I’m upset because I didn’t do anything to prevent it.

Meaning/Thoughts

Reminded me a lot of the Osiris myth… Also reminds me of a dream I had years ago. In that dream, I’m driving away from a crime scene. I’m really nervous that the cops will come after me because my prints are all over the crime scene. There isn’t a body, but there is a lot of blood. I know that I dismembered the body and hid all the pieces. I left an empty pair of boots sitting where the body should have been.

The Man Inside My Head

Dream: Undated, sometime in early 2015

I’m sitting near a window at night with a friend, chatting about life, having a laugh. Suddenly, I realize that a man is staring in at us from the dark outside. His face is conveyed by a black, almost featureless mask that is terrifying when the light catches it. I yell at him, but he doesn’t go away. Says he’s just watching. Creep! I close the blinds, but he sticks his face in through them. I punch him with the end of a pole and he stumbles back. Then I close the curtains and my friend and I continue. The next night, I sit by another window. I am visiting someone else and the man is there peering in. I realize that he is watching me all the time and that there is nothing I can do. I wake up terrified and disturbed.

Meaning/Thoughts

The man is the personification of the patriarchal values that come from my cultural conditioning and live deeply entwined with my thoughts. I guess if you’re a western woman exposed to Christianity, you end up with a controlling man inside your head.

Chased by a Cop and Dinosaurs

Dream Series: Undated, sometime in early 2015

Dream 1:

I’m being chased by someone. I think he’s a cop. He’s always one step ahead of me. When I go to get on the train, I have to run because he’s there. He finds me in the street. I’m always on the run, never any peace and I’m exhausted. Finally, I make it to the airport and I think I’m about to get away for good. But then I see him and something inside me cracks. I call a friend and tell him, “It’s over. I give up. I can’t fight anymore.” The police guy turns and looks at me. I stand there no longer running and then I wake up.

Dream 2:

I’m on an island, on a beach. Suddenly, a hoard of dinosaurs comes running towards me. I run in fear, but I’m not fast enough. They catch up, but then run right past. I get out of their way. They continue running and I’m awed that they didn’t eat/hurt me. I find myself nearing a gift shop. The lady inside saw what happened. She brings me inside and gives me a ring, which looks like an upside-down teacup with a pearl on top.

Meaning/Thoughts

These dreams are about facing my fears. In the first one, I have to face my fear [the cop] before it will stop chasing me. In the other, I don’t have to face anything, only realize that there was nothing to fear to begin with [the dinosaur’s didn’t eat me].

The Man in the Machine

Nightmare: Undated, sometime in late-2014

There’s a man in a machine. He’s going to kill me, so I have to kill him first. He looks like Jim Carry. I know we’ve done this dance before. He gets out of his machine and attacks me with a knife. I lacerate his forehead with scissors. He’s going to kill me. Then I turn and see his son shitting blood in the next room. I suddenly become unimportant as he rushes to take care of his son. I see an image of his son as healthy, on a ride with a girl. She’s asking about his mom. He says he likes her because she sounds like his mom in her messages.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what this dream means. I think it’s interesting that an incredibly violent figure [the man in the machine] is transformed into a loving caring father, and that my perspective which is at first one of instinct [I protect myself] turns into one of curiosity [watching his son’s memories]. I wonder if maybe my dream life is trying to tell me that things are never as simple as they seem. People that hurt others are often hurting inside themselves. It’s also interesting that this dream came right after asking to know more about my inner feminine. Perhaps the dream is showing me that by fighting against patriarchal values [the ghost in the machine], I’m becoming what I most fear [someone violent] and that the true way forward is to see what’s underneath the surface [the sick child and his memories]. In his memories, the boy wants his love-interest to be like his mother, which is a classic mythological theme (see Oedipus).

Asking #6: Finding Juanita

An Asking: Undated, sometime in late 2014

Where is the pain in my heart chakra from? Please show me what my sexual issues are about. Help me to become clear so that I can heal. Help me see what keeps me from accessing my inner feminine.

*At this time, I was obsessed with Shania Twain’s song Juanita, which to me represents every woman’s search for her inner wild feminine.

Arrested by the FBI

Dream: Undated, sometime in late-2014

I’m under house arrest by the FBI for starting a cult based on a children’s book. I really want to escape, but I also feel I should somehow deal with the situation.

Thoughts/Meaning

This is a short dream! Hmm..well…. Starting a cult about a children’s book clearly references how I built a lot of my identity on what happened to me as a child. The adult me [the FBI]  is trying to help me break free of that identity. But like any cult, it’s not simple to escape. My entire idea of who I am was based around the idea that I’m a survivor. Bad things happened to me as a kid and I got through them, came out stronger. It’s not a bad myth to live by because there’s power in being the person who has overcome things. At the same time, it’s completely based on being the victim. I don’t want to see myself as the victim any more. I don’t want my entire life to be about the pain that I endured. I’d rather that my personal myth be based around the positive experiences I’ve had and the positive qualities that I possess. I’d rather be the hero of my story than the victim of my past.

Kidnapping a Masochist

Dream: Undated sometime in mid-2014

*Trigger warning – contains sexual violence

I’m a man. I’m looking for a girl (romantic?) that has been kidnapped. A lady helps me get directions to the mansion where she’s being held after I almost crash a helicopter looking for it. When I get there, the kidnapper has the girl all tied up in a room with a big M on the wall in red. He isn’t paying any attention to her because his men are trickling into the room. He’s clearly planning something. I challenge him to a duel once he realizes I’m there. He laughs and then we fight. I’m no match for him, but he doesn’t kill me because he’s distracted by his men. He has his assistant take the girl and throw her in a cell. They put me in a room nearby. When they let me out, I demand to see the girl. The guy has just come out of her room naked and I’m convinced that he raped her. I go in and she’s pulling white styrofoam balls out of her hips/vagina. I ask if he hurt her. She says no. He couldn’t get her wet so he got frustrated. I see a small hole in the window and suggest that we jump. She laughs. “They won’t kill me,” she says. “I asked them not to.” I nod but don’t understand.

Thoughts/Meaning

The M stands for masochism. A lot of this dream reminds me of fifty shades of grey. At around the time of this dream, there was heavy advertising for the first movie. So maybe this is me processing that? I think that movie is horrific by the way since it essentially promotes abusive relationships based on power/control as the road to happiness and fulfillment. In the dream, the theme of male dominance is clear. What gets to me is the psychology of the so-called victim. She has a chance to escape but doesn’t take it. Instead she tries to assert herself within the one-sided situation. To me, that’s the worst part about the masochistic psychology, the victim ends up hurting themselves further in order to find some way of feeling empowered within a completely hopeless situation. They’re attached to the system because it gives them a place and role, even if it’s a negative one. Eventually in order to exist within it, they become as manipulative as their abusers and the cycle repeats.

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