3 A.M. Thought #11

What is the point? / I ask the empty room

And the response calls me back / from the despair of the meaningless void

There is no point / declares a booming, echoing voice

I don’t understand.

You’re searching for meaning / through goals along time

You carry with you ideas of progress and growth / of destruction and descent

Only when you eclipse your understanding / and realize the full reality of NO TIME

Will you will find that your idea / your question no longer apply

Just because there is nothing / except the concurrent, forever present NOW

Does not mean that living life in time is meaningless

Find the meaning / live your life.

All the Factors that Impact My Relationship

Dream: 29/2/2017

I’m with a guy. We live in the 1950s and we’ve been together a long time. We got together because we were both smart and we went to the same school. It seemed like a good match. Only, we’re not attracted to each other any more. He and I both like other people, but we can’t break up because society won’t let us. I constantly bring people over so that we can avoid each other’s company. We drink to drown our sorrows and numb ourselves to this life we created. Boy do we drink. When we’re drunk, we act on our base urges and let out some of the pent up energy. There are so many sexual advertisements around. We’re both completely frustrated. I was watching TV at a party when a black and white ad of a naked man and woman having sex around a giant coke bottle came on. The bottle was 3 times their size. The advertisement clearly meant for the coke bottle to look like a penis. We leave the party and head home together, but we have nothing to say to each other.

Thoughts/Meaning

There’s a lot of different threads to this dream. Clearly, I’m a little sexually frustrated. My partner got diagnosed with Crohn’s disease about a year ago and it has caused a dip in our sex life. Beyond that, there’s the obvious theme of sexual and subliminal advertising which is everywhere in western society. I’d also just finishing watching Century of the Self, which is an awesome documentary about how large corporations used Freud’s theory of unconscious drives to manipulate the American public into becoming passive consumers. Additionally, the relationship in the dream reminds me of my parents’ relationship. They keep themselves busy and avoid each other because they have nothing in common. I don’t want that for myself. Maybe that’s what the dream is trying to show me, that there are a lot of different factors that play into my relationships and I need to bring all of them into conscious awareness if I really want things to change.

The Denial of Abuse

Dream: 28/2/2017

I have a sister, who I’m visiting. My sister is the perfect housewife. She’s wearing a cute dress, with done up hair and make-up. Her house is immaculate. In my mind, I keep thinking that she’s super conformist. We get to talking about shoes. I want to borrow some of hers. As I’m putting them on, I’m talking about mom. All of sudden, my sister starts snarling at me and tries to grab my throat, “That never happened! I fixed it! Don’t you say that! I fixed it!” That’s when I realize, my sister spends her whole life pretending that we had a perfect childhood because she can’t deal with it. I wake up, hitting at her to get off of me. In my mind, I’m yelling, “You can’t fix it! It happened!”

Thoughts/Meaning

I had this dream immediately after agreeing to help a friend of mine, who was in the middle of an emotionally intense lawsuit at that time. It felt like this dream was about experiencing things from her point of view (i.e. putting on the shoes in the dream = walking in her shoes). She feels stuck because of old childhood trauma, which she feels unable to move through because her family is in denial. That’s not an uncommon pattern. Abusive families often sweep things under the rug and deny the abuse ever happened. Their denial then forces the victim to question their own memories/experience, which degrades their confidence in themselves and ensures that they’ll stay quiet. This suites the family fine because it means nothing has to change. The abuser can keep on abusing and everyone else can maintain the status quo.  A lot of people end up cutting all ties with their family because this dynamic can literally be crazy making. Sometimes, enough memories and evidence surface that it becomes impossible for the family to remain in denial. At that stage, major changes can begin to take place. I think this dream was showing me that the best thing I can do for my friend is to support her in remaining true to herself and her feelings. In the end, no matter what happened in the past, the best thing she can do in the present is to love and believe in herself.

 

Questioning Perceptions

Dream: 23/2/2017

I’m in Paris. I buy a plane ticket to a city in the Middle East beginning with K. I’m in a rush so I don’t check the ticket. I get on the plane and I end up sitting in the nose of the plane. I wait patiently. Then suddenly, we take off and we’re doing crazy acrobatics because of the wind. I realize I don’t have my seatbelt on. I reach for it and realize it’s one of the over the shoulder ones, like a fighter pilot would use. I clip it into place. After a few minutes, the pilot makes like he’s going to land. We enter a tunnel half filled with water. There are numbers on the wall like the kind you see in subway stations and there are people waiting on platforms placed along the side of the tunnel. The ceiling is made of concrete and looks  striped. When we go past, it has a strange effect and makes me feel like we’re traveling at warp speed. Finally, we fly out the other side of the tunnel and start going back up. Except this time, I’m facing downwards. I can see the tunnel we came out of and what looks like a giant velvet cloth next to it. As we go higher, the velvet becomes a massive statue of a cobra and two dolphins intertwined. I watch it for awhile until a flight attendant comes and asks me what I’m doing. I realize I’m leaning on my harness as though I’m being pulled downward. I sit back. She asks me if I know what’s behind a door in the cabin. There’s only one other passenger in the cabin, a large man with tremendous amount of stuff (old camera reels, food, books, etc…). His stuff is strewn all over the place. We both shake our heads and then agree that there might be a dentist behind the door. The flight attendant might have suggested that possibility. In any case, she leaves and then I hear an announcement. I realize I’m on the wrong plane! I check my ticket and it says I’m on my way to Michigan. I have another ticket that will fly me back to Edinburgh, Scotland. I have a little freak out, wondering how this happened. I look out the window and see tractors on the ceiling. I point them out the other guy, saying they must be flying upside down. But he replies, perhaps we’re not upside down but the world is! I don’t know what to do about the tickets. I wonder if the airline will refund it or give me a new ticket. I can’t decide if I should just go to Scotland or head back to California. I find my thinking about my partner, James, and wondering what he will want to do. That’s when I realize I haven’t seen him in a while and suddenly have a torrent of questions.  Did we pack up the hotel in Paris? Did I grab my phone charger? That’s when I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

The one clear thing about this dream is that it calls my perception of the world into question. Whenever I think I know something in the dream [i.e. I’m going to the city K], it turns out to be wrong. And then I’m constantly having to question my directionality. Am I right side up or upside down? Or can I be either depending on what I’m using as my frame of reference? I think the dream is trying to shake me out of my traditional perception of the world [i.e. planes don’t fly through subway tunnels…or do they?], but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a way of opening up my consciousness to let new ideas in?

Negative Intentionality

Dream Series: 17/2/2017

Dream 1:

I’m watching Star (the main character from the TV show Star) do her thing. She’s preparing for a show and she’s nervous. Her show involves a table. I offer to help her move it and in the process, I break a glass. She looks at me and says I did it on purpose. I want to lie, but she’s right, I did. I want to perform and I’m jealous of her. A woman comes over and sees the situation. She knows exactly what’s going on. She tells me I can’t go to the party where Star is singing because of what I’ve done. She tells Star to go get ready. It’s some kind of Santa party.

Dream 2:

I’m with some friends. We’re standing at the beginning of a long tunnel. Suddenly, a bug flies into my face and falls down. I freak out and step on it by accident. I pick it up and it’s wings are broken. I decide to see if it will fly away. I leave the tunnel entrance and go next door where there’s a giant staircase that goes up and up and up. At the top, I try to release the bug, but it’s damaged. I wonder if I should kill it, put it out of its misery. Suddenly, it latches its legs around the middle finger of my right hand. I immediately clench my hand, expanding my finger and causing its legs to snap off. Now it’s really damaged! I put it down on the stairs and walk away. I feel guilty but I don’t want to be the one responsible for ending its life.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think these dreams are about taking responsibility for negative intentions that I have in my life. When things go wrong,  people like to say things like “Well, accidents happen.” But what if they don’t? What if there’s a negative intention behind some accidents? In the first dream, breaking the glass looks like an accident, but it’s not and everyone knows it. I want to rattle Star. I secretly hope she’ll perform poorly because I want to feel about myself.  In the second dream, I repeatedly injure the bug, but then I won’t do the merciful thing and end its life. It’s like I accept my negative intentions up to a certain point. Past that point, I stop them. The interesting thing is that when I think about negative intentions that I have towards people, I generally find it very easy to justify those intentions. Letting go of negative intentionality has been hard for me. I think because it stems from deep conditioning around seeing people as the Other (i.e. it’s us vs them). Still, I’m working on it. To be fair, even identifying that I have these negative intentions feels like a big step to me, like I’m willing to reclaim all of who I am, not just the parts that are pretty and nice.

The Old is Falling Away

Dream: 11/2/2017

My fingernail is split into ribbons. I pull them back. Underneath is a new, perfectly healthy nail. I wonder how I’m going to get rid of the old one which is still attached. Should I bite it off? Clip it? Or just wait for it to fall off.

Thoughts/Meaning

I think this is a positive sign about my healing process. The old masks and layers that I used to protect myself with have been shredded and are on the brink of falling away entirely. Underneath I find I’m strong and healthy. Now I’m learning to let go and not fall back into old pattern just because they’re easy!

Possible Lucid Dreams?

Dreams from 10/2/2017

Dream 1:

I didn’t remember much of this dream. I only wrote down fragments. Apparently there was something about trying to tame a giant dinosaur. I was working with someone who was absolutely brilliant but socially inept. He seemed to get better the more we worked together. There was also a cheetah involved somehow.

Dream 2:

I’m with a man. We’re running from some bad people who want to hurt us. Suddenly, I realize that I can fly and that just by pointing my fingers at someone in the dream I can make them fly as well. I point at one of the bad guys, and he starts floating up into the cloud with me. He’s shocked at first, but then he recovers and starts thinking nasty thoughts. Immediately he can’t fly anymore and he falls to his death. I think, “He deserved that” and then I can’t fly anymore either. I start falling. I wake up before I hit the ground.

Thoughts/Meaning

No idea if these were lucid or not. There’s definitely evidence in the second one that I knew I was somehow in control though…

Food is My Coping Mechanism

Dream: 8/2/2017

I’m at some kind of camp. Only everyone here is really sad/angry/negative. I pick a sleeping bench and try to talk to some people. They all seem exactly the same. One of them says, “You’re going to suffer, you better get used to it.” I’m a little affronted. I ask several of them how they cope in this place. A girl points to one of the boys and says, “Sex.”. Another hands me a bottle of alcoholic cider and says, “Alcohol.” I wonder how I ended up in this place. One of the girls sees my face and laughs. “You’ll get used to it,” she says. Suddenly, the head of the camp comes into our room without knocking. He is giving around 50 people a tour. He doesn’t engage with us, but his helpers do. They’re really funny. One of them helps me fix a nearby fan and we laugh when it sprays me with water. After the tour is over and the visitors are gone, people start throwing all their stuff into bags. I don’t know what’s happening. Eventually, someone says, “grab your shit we’re going!” Going where? Why? No one answers me. We leave the bunk room and enter an amazing library. I enjoy looking at all the books, but then I start freaking out. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know what I might need. I run around looking for things. I’m starting to feel kind of crazy, when someone grabs me and shoves me into an RV. Inside there is a random girl I don’t know and the guy who’s mother runs the camp. The guy says that we had better eat. He shoves a massive plate of fruit in front of us. It has 5 bananas, plus multiple peaches and plums. I look at the guy confused. He tells me to eat because at camp food is not guaranteed. Sometimes they just won’t feed us. Other times the food might be incredible. The guy opened up a cooler filled with half rotten pasta as an example. I look at the fruit, which isn’t enough to keep me going by itself. The guy sees my face and takes pity. He pulls out a microwavable lasagna. “Alright,” he says pulling up at a beach. “You can have this but only because I know where you’re going.” I wonder what that means right before I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

So this dream is clearly about my childhood and the coping mechanisms I developed. In the earlier part of the dream, I get shown how some people cope [suffer through it, have sex, use alcohol, etc…], but later in the dream I get shown how I cope [food]. I have such a weird relationship to food. When I was a kid we either starved (if mom was drunk and couldn’t be bothered to cook) or we ate really well. The bunk room in the camp represents my life as a kid. I wanted out [to pack up my shit and leave], but there was no where to go. My only escape was found in books [the library]. In them, I found evidence that life could be different and that my situation wasn’t normal. Eventually I escaped by growing up [got pulled onto the RV and driven away from camp]. But even as an adult, I’m still using old coping mechanisms. I still look at what’s healthy and think it’s not enough. I still eat breakfast sometimes and then think I should eat a second breakfast because there might not be any dinner later. I think the dream is trying to show me that my issues with losing weight go way deeper than just counting calories and eating healthy. There’s some childhood traumas that need to be unwound. Once that happens my relationship to food will change naturally.

Sex with the Air

Dream: 2/2/2017

I’m working with Chloe/Lucifer from the TV show Lucifer. I know Lucifer loves Chloe, but I want to have sex with him. I go to his club, but he’s not there. I get into his bedroom and speak my desire. Suddenly, I feel a pressure and I feel like I’m having sex with the air. I can feel him and see him psychically even though I know he’s not there physically. My body moves into all kinds of impossible positions. I like what’s happening, but I’m entirely sure it’s pleasurable. Earlier, I overheard Lucifer talking to his father (God). They were crying because Lucifer said he had erectile dysfunction and his dad said that didn’t happen to men in his family. Eventually, Chloe walks into the bedroom and sees me. I can tell she wants to bust Lucifer (or at least expected to), but I wave my hand around to show he isn’t there.

Processing Suggests Potential Experiment

Dream: 30/1/2017

I’m a little boy (Annikan Skywalker?). I’m in a bombed out city. Kevin Costner and a teenage girl have decided to look after me. Something bad is coming and we need to hide. With the help of someone in an ambulance, Kevin Costner starts to barricade us and several hundred other people into a building that looks middle eastern. When it’s done, he and the paramedic leave together. We have no idea where they’re going or why. The paramedic returns later asking for help unlocking his door, but no one wants to admit we’re still in the building. What if it’s a trap? I decide to go down and talk to him. It takes ages because I’m injured. When get to the street, I pop open the ambulance door. Kevin Costner is inside. He jumps out and we all go into the building together. A few hours later, I find them doing experiments. Three women end up exploding from the inside out. Kevin Costner says, “Damn Virginia! I told her to wait!” He knows he won’t get paid now.

Thoughts/Meaning

The day before I had this dream, I watched Star Wars, Hidden Figures, and an episode of Colony. In the episode I watched, 3 people were randomly exploded when trying to climb over the wall. This dream is clearly my brain trying to process everything I watched that day. I wonder what my dreams would be like if I cut off the input stream of media in my life. What would I dream about if I didn’t watch any movies or TV and if I didn’t read the news? Maybe I should try it for a week and see? Would that be enough time to detox or would I need to go longer? Also, I wonder how visual media impacts dreams compared to books. I’m not cutting out books though. I don’t think I could go a week without reading a book!

Escape from the Attic

Dream 29/1/2017

I’m trapped in the attic of a house. I can’t find a way out. I feel like my mom’s side of the family (especially my twin cousins) has been here before. I manage to find my mom and ask her how to get out. She says there is a way, but it hasn’t been used in years. She says there’s a secret corridor, but it’s old and dusty and likely to be very scary. I don’t care. I’ll try it. I need to get out. I wake up before I get to the tunnel.

The Little Boy and the Violent Man

Dream: 29/1/2017

I’m with an incredibly controlling, abusive man who gets me to do what he wants through threats and violence. I’m terrified of him and I conform, but I’m always looking for ways to escape. At some point, I find my way out into a room with a big piano. I drop the backpack I’m carrying and start banging on the piano keys, trying to attract attention. I hope someone will come. The violent man comes into the room. He’s prepared to be nice and he tries to sweet talk me. I can feel the fear getting the better of me. I’m terrified of him, but I would rather die than go back to the gilded cage. Suddenly, a little boy appears and demands to know why I haven’t treated his backpack better. I try to calm him, hoping the violent man won’t find out that the little boy gave me the backpack. The boy is really upset. He keeps talking about how he’s been really good to me. For some reason, I fly into a rage at his words and start screaming, “That’s not what you’re mad about!” The boy is just like the violent man. He’s super manipulative. He points out the positive things he does for me, thinking that will somehow make me forget all about the abuse. I’m disgusted that the boy and the man are the same. Suddenly, we are surrounded by women. They seem to come from everywhere. I feel relieved. I can’t get away from the man or the boy on my own. The women were attracted by the noise. Someone came. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I dreamed this after asking my divine self to show me why the ‘grass is always greener’ idea keeps coming up for me around careers (i.e. why when I just get going with something I always decide it’s not right and I don’t actually want it). It’s like a part of me want to go along with things in order to stay safe [the terrified woman at the beginning], but there’s another part of me that knows its not right and that I have to follow my own path [the woman who wants to escape]. So I always end up conflicted, pulled in two entirely different directions and never able to move forward. I think the abusive, controlling man represents how I view society (i.e. patriarchal and threatening). I feel pressured to conform in order to survive and yet I have an intense need to rebel at the same time. There’s no winning. I don’t know if there is a solution, but the dream seems to suggest that connecting with women and my own feminine nature is part of finding my way out of the conflict.

Bootcamp

Dream: 24/1/2017

I was in some kind of awesome bootcamp. We climbed trees and did strength training, but it was fun!

Kitchen in the Sky

Dream: 19/1/2017

I’m pretending to be a waitress at a fancy LA show. Someone puts me on a chair that suddenly whips several stories up into the air. The show is taking place in a hanging glass room, 10 stories up in the air. The room doesn’t seem to have a floor. You can see straight down to the street below. I’m holding a sign that I need to hand over, but I can’t move because I’m terrified of heights. Someone kindly wheels me around the square kitchen in the sky. Everyone working there seems to be walking on air. I hand over the sign. I get off the chair and freak out. I’m going to fall! I cling desperately to a nearby fridge, dangling. A guy comes over at laughs at me. I don’t understand why he’s laughing until I look down and notice a faint shimmer near my feet. I lower myself a little and my feet touch something solid. The floor is made of glass! I just couldn’t see it before. I step fully onto the glass floor and start to relax. The waiters around me aren’t laughing merely smiling.

Drowning in a Tunnel and Waiting in the Rain

Dream Series: 18/1/2017

Dream 1:

I’m at some kind of Seaworld Park. It’s owned by a friend of mine. He wants me to stay there. He assigns someone to show me to my room. We end up underwater in a tunnel with lots of doors. My guide points to a door (which I guess leads to my room) then swims out and locks the door to the tunnel. The tunnel is completely full of water. I try to open the door to my room but I can’t. I can’t open any of the doors. I start to panic. I’m drowning. Somehow I make it into one of the rooms at the last possible minute (or I drown? I’m not sure, the dream skips a bit here). Next thing I know I’m in the parking lot trying to get a ride away from the park. Finally an asian girl agrees to take me. I ask her if she’s a taxi driver. She says, “No, but I can smell your desperation. Get in!” I go with her. We end up on a beach having lots of fun. There’s a boat in the distance. I wonder if I should tell my friend where I am.

Dream 2:

I have a big test tomorrow in a subject I know nothing about. I’m walking along when suddenly I realize I’m supposed to meet my friend, Leanne. I call her. She asks where I am. I tell her at the cross road near One Tree Hill, a volcano in Auckland. It’s pouring so I head to the bus stop for shelter. There are lots of people at the bus stop and they all look so happy and care free. I’m pissed that I have a test tomorrow and can’t join them. Without thinking, I get on the bus when it comes. About a block later, I scream at the bus driver to stop and end up getting off in the middle of an intersection. I run back to the bus stop where I’m supposed to meet my friend. I wake up before she arrives.

Thoughts/Meaning

In both dreams, I’m powerless. I’m surrounded by water [emotions] and dependent on a friend to get me out of the situation. When I take things into my own hands [get on the bus], I end up needing to go back to where I started. That’s the way I behaved for most of my life. I followed other people’s rules. I controlled my impulses. I was “good”. Behaving that way kept me safe. At least, that’s what I told myself. Being a strong woman who makes her own decisions and trust herself completely…that fascinates me but also terrifies me.

Stalking My Golden Shadow

Dream: Undated, Early 2017

I want to get in contact in with Sanaya Roman, a well known channel. Somehow I know where she lives. I go to her house, intending to meet her. She isn’t home, but her door is unlocked. I go inside. At first, I just intend to leave a note. Then I think, I’ll skype her. Only I realize she’ll know the call is coming from inside her house and that would seem creepy. I realize I should go before she gets home. The house is amazing, very beautiful and immaculate. I look at things, picking them up and turning them over. I pick up a glass decanter and look at the way it refracts the light. When I go to put it down, I notice that the counter is wet. The decanter is full of ice. “Oh shit,” I think. They could be home at any minute! I freak out and check to make sure I haven’t moved anything too much. Then I run out of the house. As soon as I’m out, I see Sanaya and her partner coming down the drive. There’s a big party next door. Someone points at Sanaya and yells, “Is that Taylor Swift?” It confuses Sanaya for a moment and gives me a chance to get away. The woman at the party screams my name and says, “You’re back so soon,” as though I’ve been on break or something. I wake up worried that Sanaya will realize what I’ve done.

Thoughts/Meaning

So Sanaya is kind of celebrity to me [hence the Taylor Swift reference in the dream]. I think her work and her books are amazing. For a long time I wanted to be her. With that in mind, I’m pretty sure this dream is about recognizing my Golden Shadow, the positive traits that I project onto others because I refuse to recognize them in myself. Rather than acknowledge my own higher self gifts and abilities, I consider patterning myself after someone else who is successful [I stalk Sanaya in the dream]. It seems less threatening than following my own path. Except, it never works [it’s not my house and I don’t belong there]. I have to forge my own path. We all do.

Interestingly the night I had this dream, I accidentally trespassed through a residential apartment complex. While I was trying to find my way out, I felt a bit voyeuristic. Maybe this dream was also partially trying to process that experience?

Drowning in Toxic Memories

Dream Series: 6/1/2017

Dream 1:

A man takes me to the site of what appears to be some kind of chemical spill. There’s two lakes right next to each other and they’re covered in a weird white foam. The air is filled with dandelion fluff and a strange milky white substance that sticks to my hands and face like spiderwebs. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I know it’s toxic to stay there.

Dream 2:

I’m in the ocean. I live there. I really want to see Hawaii. I hitch a ride with a bunch of whales, careful that they don’t notice me. I’m on the run. When we get to Hawaii, I make a dash for the shore. The whales come after me. They’re vicious. I barely make it to the shore. I start to run up a some steps into the jungle. As I do, I notice I’m breathing. I’m breathing AIR! It feels so different but really good. I feel liberated. At the top of the stairs, I see a baby tiger. He’s playing. Then he sees me and scrambles to get away. I try to tell him I’m not dangerous, but he won’t listen. He runs to the end of the cliff and jumps off with a little growl. I run up the cliff, afraid to find out what happened to him. Turns out there is an amazing waterfall slide right there. The cub is playing at the bottom in the sand. His dad comes up behind me. He’s a tiger, but he’s also human. He claps me on the shoulder. His son is jumping up and down, “Did you see it, dad? Did you see it?” The tiger man laughs. “It’s just like camp dad,” the cub says. “Only better!” The cub wants his dad to try the waterslide. Hid dad jumps down and I can see his leg is bigger than the slide tuber. There is no way he can use it. I get a strange sense of foreboding and hear the words, “Later I would learn a local tip about putting apple cider vinegar in the water and to notify the local police about any intended water use from the imprisonment.” Then I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I read somewhere that dandelion fluff represents childhood. To me, these dreams are about being overwhelmed by my memories of childhood trauma. In the first one, I’m caught in a web and the air is so thick with dandelion fluff that I can barely breathe. I know that being immersed in old childhood pain is toxic, but I don’t know how to get out. In the second one, I’m literally immersed in my emotions [I live in the ocean], but I don’t notice how heavy they are until something changes [I get out of the water and breathe air]. Then it’s obvious that I’m not meant to be living in old wounds. It’s time to let go. To turn to the strong, happy child [the tiger cub] instead of the wounded one. It’s time to remember that sometimes my family was supportive and kind, that even the darkness there were moments of joy. It wasn’t all bad. But adult me has trouble with this [the tiger dad gets stuck in the waterslide] and resists opening up to new ways of seeing things. I’m keeping myself in prison, which is the final message.

 

 

On the Jungle Path

Dream 3/1/2017

Jessica, my younger sister, and I are both on an adventure in Europe, living out of cars. We park in a field but she doesn’t want me next to her so I park across the field. Somehow there are fences between us and I feel very disturbed. I don’t remember there being fences when we first arrived. I can’t see Jessica anymore. I look around. Out in the corner of the field there is a way past the fences. I go through the opening, but it doesn’t take me back to the field. I end up on something called the Jungle Path. I suspect I’m in New Orleans. The jungle path is a series of shops that are connected by a pathway of symbols within interlocking hexagons. When I walk on them, the hexagons light up. I find it exciting until I hear a scream. A shopkeeper is getting robbed. I hide behind a sculpture. The robbers shoot the shopkeeper and leave. I run to him, ask him if he wants me to call 911. He doesn’t have a phone. I tell him I’ll find one and go call an ambulance. He nods. I go, but no one seems to have a phone. Finally, I find a store with a phone, but I can’t remember the address of the shop where I left the man. I’m about to give up, but I don’t. I walk back until I can see the number.  The man is lying in front of #5 on the jungle path. I go back, call the ambulance, and tell them where to find him. When I step out of the shop, I run smack into my parents. Their arms are linked and they’re very drunk. They want me to go with them, but I tell them I have to look after my car. Dad snaps his finger and my car starts rolling down the street. There’s no driver inside. I go running after it, but it’s going too fast for me. Finally it crashes into a garage. The entire left side is dented, but otherwise the car is fine. I get in and park it somewhere safe. Then I go to check on my parents. I don’t find them, but when I’m walking on the jungle path, I realize that if I pause on a hexagon long enough things start to happen. I step on a tiger symbol and the energy of the tiger surrounds me. I am suddenly able to do amazing things! I can climb walls and make massive jumps. I’m really excited about my new abilities when I wake up.

Chased through a Lab

Nightmare: 30/12/2016

I’m stuck in a lab. All the corridors are white and it feels like a labyrinth. There crazy men in the building. You can tell where they are by the fact that they sing. They have cuts all over them. If they catch you, they cut you. Leanne, a friend from my waking life, and I run away from them. we run and run. There are certain doors that only the men can go through and only if they’re carrying metal. The mad men have a dog. I want to pet it, but it might warn them where we are. They find us anyways. One of them is babbling about the cuts. “Do you want to see the cuts on my heart?” He asks as he keeps coming towards me. I scream at him to stop and leave me alone, but it doesn’t have any effect.

Insecurities

Dream 30/12/2016

I’m in some kind of apprenticeship program with a group of other people. The boss decides to fire us all at once. We get told via these insane letters in boxes. At the job, there was nothing to learn, no skill to master, no way of knowing the expectations. None of us knew what our job was supposed to be, let alone why we were being fired from it. We were all going through some kind of debrief when I realized, “Just ask!” So jumped up and ran out of the classroom. I noticed that I was wearing one running shoe and one black boot. The other boot was laying in the middle of field outside the classroom. I went to get the boot. While I was putting it on, the other people in my class ran past me. They realized why I left and they wanted to be the first to ask the boss. They get to the head honcho. He looks like a complete asshole. He’s incredibly rich and I’m convinced he doesn’t care about people. My classmates ask for their jobs back and he says “I thought you’d never ask.” I get my job back too, but I’m resentful. Asking had been my idea and I didn’t get any recognition for it. We all go back to work. We’re sitting in front of the computers when a guy sitting next to me leans over and says, “You’re not going to make it.” I get really angry and I storm out yelling, “You don’t know me!” I head for the bus stop. My watch says 9:30 pm and I freak out. Have I really been working that long? When I get to the bus stop, however, it turns out it’s only 5:30 pm. I feel relieved. I’m waiting for the bus when someone comes to get me saying it’s time for a test. I follow them back to work. We go into some kind of mansion with lots of rooms and get told that each room holds a clue and we have to solve the puzzle. Again, we have no other information. The others head for the obvious rooms, but I see what looks like a wall to ceiling freezer door. It takes me awhile to figure out how to open it. Success! Then, I’m inside and I start looking around. I have no ideas what’s useful and what’s not. I see animal shaped ice cube molds and wonder if they mean something. Meanwhile, someone else cracks a different room. Suddenly, I bite down and one of teeth cracks and bursts out of my mouth. It falls onto the ground and I stare at it before collecting all the pieces and hiding them. A girl convinces me I should try another room. I follow her. The others have managed to open a door that goes to a golden inlaid spa facility, but no one in the spa is relaxed. We check it out, but we get told not to touch anything. We decide to head back. On the way, we get stopped by 3 ladies at tea. They talk to us and suddenly another tooth (a molar) shatters in my mouth and falls all over the floor. I’m mortified. I bend down to pick up the pieces. The tooth looks all spongy and grey on the inside. I wonder if it’s rotten and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

**From Dream Dictionary – “Dreams of broken/chipped teeth suggest the character to be poor, uneducated or dumb”

To be honest, those are my childhood fears of how I would be seen. I’ve been reading a lot recently about changing how you learn and becoming more innovative. I’ve also been wondering why I spend so much time in front of the TV instead of doing things I love. I guess there’s a few weird beliefs about learning and doing things that I need to look at reassess. I’m afraid of people seeing or thinking of me as being less than capable. Literally, the foundations of how I was taught to learn were rotten. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t bite down and digest new experiences because a) I always compare myself to other people, b) I’m worried about how society [the boss and the ladies at tea] will see me, and c) I need be the best in order to feel adequate. Basically, I think this dream is about my insecurities.

Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

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