Dream 30/12/2016

I’m in some kind of apprenticeship program with a group of other people. The boss decides to fire us all at once. We get told via these insane letters in boxes. At the job, there was nothing to learn, no skill to master, no way of knowing the expectations. None of us knew what our job was supposed to be, let alone why we were being fired from it. We were all going through some kind of debrief when I realized, “Just ask!” So jumped up and ran out of the classroom. I noticed that I was wearing one running shoe and one black boot. The other boot was laying in the middle of field outside the classroom. I went to get the boot. While I was putting it on, the other people in my class ran past me. They realized why I left and they wanted to be the first to ask the boss. They get to the head honcho. He looks like a complete asshole. He’s incredibly rich and I’m convinced he doesn’t care about people. My classmates ask for their jobs back and he says “I thought you’d never ask.” I get my job back too, but I’m resentful. Asking had been my idea and I didn’t get any recognition for it. We all go back to work. We’re sitting in front of the computers when a guy sitting next to me leans over and says, “You’re not going to make it.” I get really angry and I storm out yelling, “You don’t know me!” I head for the bus stop. My watch says 9:30 pm and I freak out. Have I really been working that long? When I get to the bus stop, however, it turns out it’s only 5:30 pm. I feel relieved. I’m waiting for the bus when someone comes to get me saying it’s time for a test. I follow them back to work. We go into some kind of mansion with lots of rooms and get told that each room holds a clue and we have to solve the puzzle. Again, we have no other information. The others head for the obvious rooms, but I see what looks like a wall to ceiling freezer door. It takes me awhile to figure out how to open it. Success! Then, I’m inside and I start looking around. I have no ideas what’s useful and what’s not. I see animal shaped ice cube molds and wonder if they mean something. Meanwhile, someone else cracks a different room. Suddenly, I bite down and one of teeth cracks and bursts out of my mouth. It falls onto the ground and I stare at it before collecting all the pieces and hiding them. A girl convinces me I should try another room. I follow her. The others have managed to open a door that goes to a golden inlaid spa facility, but no one in the spa is relaxed. We check it out, but we get told not to touch anything. We decide to head back. On the way, we get stopped by 3 ladies at tea. They talk to us and suddenly another tooth (a molar) shatters in my mouth and falls all over the floor. I’m mortified. I bend down to pick up the pieces. The tooth looks all spongy and grey on the inside. I wonder if it’s rotten and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

**From Dream Dictionary – “Dreams of broken/chipped teeth suggest the character to be poor, uneducated or dumb”

To be honest, those are my childhood fears of how I would be seen. I’ve been reading a lot recently about changing how you learn and becoming more innovative. I’ve also been wondering why I spend so much time in front of the TV instead of doing things I love. I guess there’s a few weird beliefs about learning and doing things that I need to look at reassess. I’m afraid of people seeing or thinking of me as being less than capable. Literally, the foundations of how I was taught to learn were rotten. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t bite down and digest new experiences because a) I always compare myself to other people, b) I’m worried about how society [the boss and the ladies at tea] will see me, and c) I need be the best in order to feel adequate. Basically, I think this dream is about my insecurities.

Hidden in the Water

Dream Series: 26/12/2016

Dream 1:

I’m on a beach at the base of a cliff. I’m with a bunch of people. Suddenly the waves start getting bigger and bigger. I run towards them, realizing the only way to survive is go through them. I dive into the base of a wave and dolphin my way to the top. My lungs burn and I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I do. Then the wave is carrying me. I flip onto my back so that I can breathe. I’m expecting the wave to pull me over the edge and into the churn but it never does. I worry about the people on the shore, but the waves never even get near them.

Dream 2:

I’m with my dad. We go home and find that the house is flooded. We go upstairs and there is sand coming through the light fixtures. One of them has water pouring through as well. I walk around the bannister, which is square and goes around the room following the walls. I see my cousins. They’re sleeping, but they’re underwater. I’m afraid they’ll drown. I try to wake them up but dad stops me, saying it’s only 4 in the morning. I see them gently rise to the surface, take a breath and then subside again. One of them looks at me, floats up out of the water and goes right past me into the bedroom. Dad is looking for mom. I know she’s under the water too. Dad says she’s prostituting herself and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Water usually means something subconscious. Something is underwater, hidden. In the first dream, I’m willing to face whatever it is, but the danger I fear turns out not to be real. I’m pretty sure the second dream represents the pattern of sexual abuse that’s associated with my family. We keep it all hidden, but it’s there [the girls surface only when they need to in order to survive]. The truth is we’re all drowning in the secrets, the lies, the shame, and the blame.

Maybe the combination of dreams is trying to show me that I should just face these aspects of my family and deal with them head on. It’s only when we deal with the fear that we realize there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Needle Jabbed by a Child

Meditation 30/11/2016

I was doing another LightBody meditation. In the middle, I started to feel really self-recriminatory. I had a vision where a priest and a young boy were in the room with me. It felt like they were both different aspects of me. I tried to convince the boy that he didn’t need to be afraid. I was tempted to punch the priest, but remembered to send love instead. The boy agreed with me, but then he jabbed a needle into my neck. I ignored it and someone nearby (a guide?) pulled it out.

Two Hospital Dreams

Dream 30/11/2016: Hospital in the Statue of Liberty

Something happens, and I get taken to a hospital. The hospital is actually at the top of the statue of liberty, in the crown part. Everything is smashed up and graffitied. The hospital staff doesn’t know what to do with me. I end up on floor 15, which is empty. I’m under a big glass dome. I lay down and sing. When someone finally notices me, they take me downstairs. A nurse puts a thing in my right shoulder. It sticks out and has a series of holes in the top where IV tubes can be connected to it. I notice a guy who is constantly putting new tubes into his shoulder device. He looks very wilderness. He spots me watching him and says, “Wait until they take it out, you’ll finally be able to breathe again.”

Dream 14/12/2016: All Alone

I’m in the hospital. I’m pregnant, possibly going into labour. I’m not scared but I’m trying to figure out how to tell the doctors why I never got a check-up or an ultrasound. I’m all alone. No one comes to talk to me. Eventually I wonder if I’m dilated and put my hand down there to check. It comes back covered in blood and I start screaming for help. No one answer me and I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

I don’t know what these dream mean, but I think it’s interesting that in both of them nobody notices that I need help. I guess sometimes I feel like I’m always supporting others, but if something serious happened who would support me?

The Burning Tree

Meditation: 29/11/2016

I was listening to a LightBody meditation, when I realized that I often resist moving into really blissful, flowing states of consciousness. Whenever I start to feel “too good”, there is a part of me that gets scared and shuts everything down. That part of me believes I don’t deserve to feel good and that I will be punished for trying to experience something I don’t deserve. It’s definitely related to some old religious conditioning. Gee thanks Catholic school! Anyways… Near the end of the meditation, I got an image of myself floating on my back above a single perfectly round tree in the middle of a massive green field. While I’m floating, someone (me?) sets the tree on fire and my body gets burned. It burns into ashes, which are carried away by the wind.

Thoughts/Meaning

Given that I was dealing with some old religious conditioning, the symbol of a burning bush is pretty dramatic. It was after all the way God spoke to Moses (from Exodus: “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”). Interestingly, my burning tree destroys me completely. Maybe that’s my real fear, that if I did come into contact with God there would be nothing left of me. I would just burn up and be destroyed.

Lifted Up and Marked

Dream (?): 25/11/2016

I’m laying in bed. Suddenly an energy starts pulling at my feet and I start sliding down the bed. I can’t see anything though. I’m not afraid, but it’s uncomfortable. I’m convinced this whole time that I’m awake and in my body. When my feet get to the end of the bed, I feel a force go under my body and start lifting me up. It lifts me up until I’m standing. I don’t know what’s happening, but I keep repeating, “I call light to myself. I call light to myself.” I black out. The next thing I know, I feel myself being lowered back down to the bed. I feel like a wind is under me, giving me a gentle landing.

As soon as I touch the bed, I sit up. Was it real? Was it a dream? Was it an out of body experience? I don’t know. What I do know is that a few hours later, I noticed there were a few small, perfectly circular marks in random places on my body. Those weren’t there before. I’m still not sure what exactly happened or what it means. The marks are still there over 7 months later…

Bullied at a News Conference

Dream: 24/11/2016

There’s a news conference going on. A reporter is about to say something negative about Trump. Suddenly his supporters (big white men) switch places with people until she is surrounded by a circle of bullies. She bravely faces the camera and says that they often use this tactic of intimidation. A man goes to stand behind her and with her. He is protecting her. I feel myself called to stand with them. As soon as I’m in the circle, I can feel a nasty energy being sent to us. I feel compelled to speak. As soon as I do, I feel myself going into hysteria and leaving my body. I mostly notice because my feet leave the ground. I cross my arms over my chest and turn inward, calming down before finishing my words. I go back to my seat. I’m afraid I hurt the cause by being vulnerable.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream is definitely about some deep fears I have about persecution and being seen. With the current climate in the US, these fears feel really relevant. It’s interesting that the dream ended with me thinking that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That’s definitely a societal conditioning that needs to be worked out.

 

Worried About Mom’s Opinion

Dream: 22/11/2016

I won an award, a big one to do with school. The event is tonight, and I know I need to go home and get ready. I’m leaving campus (at the Auckland Domain) so I call an Uber. It drives right past me. The driver calls, and I try to explain where I am. He can’t seem to understand. I end up having to walk. When I finally get home (to my childhood home on Oak Knoll), I have only 15 minutes before I have to turn around and leave again. I jump in the shower. Mom has picked out the shampoo and conditioner. I know I don’t have time to blow dry my hair and that she’ll be pissed, but there’s nothing to be done. I get out of the shower and start to look for something to wear. For some reason, there is luggage everywhere! There are lots of lots of hiking packs. I know what I want isn’t in the packs, but I can’t stop fussing with them. Finally, I decide to go back to the bedroom. I go into my underwear drawer, looking for a bra, but every one I grab is completely f*d up. Sitting in the drawer are all these weird wooden masks with gold dots on them. They make me feel really pissed off. I go looking for some socks, knowing I want to wear black ones.  I can’t find anything but the nude socks that mom likes. I’m really angry now. I’m already 1/2 hour late to the event. I go into my sisters’ closet. They have a bunch of colorful maxi dresses with designs. I decide on a blue one, hoping it won’t make me look fat.  I take it back to my bedroom. I hear the speakers calling out the names of the awardees. I realize that because I’ve been so worries about mom and what she’ll think, I’ve missed the whole thing. I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

Definitely need to stop worrying so much about what my family thinks/wants and start living for me. I’m missing out on life because there’s a part of me that still wants to win their approval.

Two Cockroaches

Dream 14/11/2016

My whole family is camped out in a skyscraper. My sister, Jessica, decides to come to the bathroom with me. We’re talking when all of a sudden a huge dead then another alive cockroach falls out of my vagina into the toilet. We both freak out! We wonder if we should tell the parents but I’m so disgusted and embarrassed that I wake up.

Thoughts/Meaning

This dream occurred right after I had a bit of a breakthrough and decided to share everything about myself with my partner. I’d been holding back because I was worried about how he would see me, but also because I was afraid to face certain issues. I was so afraid that I would rather break up and avoid them than face them. I’d basically been blocking and projecting my stuff onto my partner for weeks. It was good to finally talk about it all! Also, the dream happened the day after I took my yoni egg out after getting it ‘stuck’ for 2 days.

Cockroaches can apparently mean a few things in dreams. Click here to read about some of the possible meanings. The fact that they came out of my vagina is extremely symbolic. Cockroaches are renowned for living in dirty places and growing up Catholic, I was taught that being female is dirty. There’s actually an awesome article on how being Catholic affects your mindset about being female, being sexual, etc… Click here to read it.

 

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